beside myself

2010 year in review

2010-12-30T21:54:00.003-05:00

January - Exciting for me as I got a new job! I started on the 19th. Hubby to Toronto for meetings. My car in the shop with a not so cheap repair. And we mourn the loss of a (very) loved one.

February - New owners to the house that we rent an apartment in, but they didn't kick us out. People who lived upstairs (and who were insanely inconsistent with the heat) moved out. New owner moved in, and minus some extra noise from renos, all in all, not too bad. We also decided we were ready to start house shopping. My sister and her family visited us. Finally got $$ back from the Province from damage to my car on the 401 last August.

March - Lots, and lots of houses were looked at... All the ones in town were too expensive for what you get, so we started looking further out. Not much else exciting happened. We found the house we like! First offer basically rejected, so we offered more than we were hoping to have to pay, but still a good price and a good value.

April - Offer accepted, money arranged, house inspection done, gave notice to landlord... everything ready. Now begins the packing! Went to Sudbury for Easter, cousin's daughter's baptism. Some more car repairs, not too bad this time. Boo (kitty) got spayed, no more "Goopy Boo!"

May - Didn't actually do any packing in April, started this month. At least 1/3 of our stuff was still packed from the move last October. Hubby in Toronto again for meetings. Later in the month we took possession of the house, scrubbing and cleaning, ripping out carpets, and a week later we moved in! Got help from my brother and two guys from the church. Took about 4 hours to load/travel/unload, not too shabby! Went to Sudbury for Mother's Day - 'little' bro was in town too!

June - house set up, yard work, more house set up, more yard work. Fun! Got new hours at work, so I no longer work Mondays.

July - pretty much settled in and just living. My (not so new anymore) job going great. Hubby gets a raise! Spent a day at the beach with yet another sister and her boys.

August - just living... My sister from another province visited us, twice! AWESOME. We started a puzzle while she was here, which started my puzzle-a-holic-ness. Also spent a day boating with another sister and her family. I actually went knee-boarding too!

September - Went to Sudbury for our good friends' 10th anniversary vow renewal ceremony, was nice! Hubby in Toronto for meetings. This time I went with him and visited my sis and family, and some friends. Good time. I started teaching Sunday School at church. Sad that an Uncle passed away.

October - Our good friend got married on Thanksgiving. Visited my brother and his family. Furnace guy came to clean/service our 40 year old boiler... almost shut us down for good, but thankfully he got CO emissions back down, and we're good for (hopefully) another year. Hubby's got benefits now, so to the dentist we both go.

November - Hubby super busy with work. Levi (our almost 13 year old cat) died near the end of the month, still miss him. To take my mind off it I decorated and put up our Christmas tree - the earliest ever (too early!)

December - Busy with Christmas parties, extra activities and the like. Got a new kitten, she's cute, cuddly and crazy! Both of us had time off at the end of the month, lots of visiting of family here and there. Oh, and we may FINALLY have a family doctor.

All in all, a good year! Looking forward to 2011, and hopefully not so busy! House renos... here we come!

northern zen

2010-08-15T13:26:00.004-04:00

It's easy to be relaxed when you live in an environment that is mostly peaceful, an environment that is not in a rush, people like to take it easy. But even then, life can get busy. Balancing work, hobbies, play, visiting, etc... can be tough.

Lately we've been fortunate to do some visiting and to have people visit us. It is always nice to reconnect with family and friends. What is especially nice about many relationships that we have: maybe we don't always talk on the phone or see each other in person as much as we'd like, however, when we do get-together, we can pick up where we left off, like no time has passed. To me that is a relationship with love, one that is not strained by grudges and second-guessing, a relationship that is honest, and they are ones that are cherished.

Sometimes, however, I think of relationships that I do not have that at one time I did. I try not to have any regrets, but there's still a quiet longing for something that isn't there. Don't get me wrong, I understand there's only so much that I can do, and I will not dwell on what I do not have. Perhaps its the naive dreamer in me that hopes for things that are unlikely. I will not lose hope, but I will accept the way things are, and the way things will be.

Most of the time I am truly content. A state of comfort, a sense of well-being. I feel I belong, and I feel I am home. I enjoy life and I enjoy work. I have changed some since moving here to the north - I am calmer for one. I have learned to slow down and enjoy things, which is simple to achieve when virtually everyone around you is doing the same thing. In this state of mind, and in this place of living, its quite easy to see the good in things, easier to look on the bright side.

I feel blessed, and for that I am truly grateful.

2 out of 3 ain't bad

2010-06-22T15:51:00.004-04:00

Its been just over 5 and a half years since my Mom passed away. I never knew that I would lose my father too.

No, he has not passed away, but he has moved on. He's moved on so much that he seems to have forgotten most of the life: family, friends, children, that he had while Mom was still alive.

Father's Day was a bit of a tough day, tougher than Mother's Day. You see, I have accepted that Mom is better off in heaven. Mind you there are still times that I grieve and miss her terribly, but I realize that she's still with me in spirit, and always in my heart.

Mom being gone because she's been taken home to heaven is a very good reason for someone to be gone. Dad being gone because he chooses to not be a part of my life is tougher. How do you grieve for someone who is still alive, and well (as far as I know...)

I couldn't call my Dad on Father's Day. I am not even 100% sure if I really wanted to, but even if I did, I had no way to call. He has moved to a new home, and has not provided me with his new contact information. I know I have done my diligence by ensuring he received my new address and phone number, but he has not returned the favor.

I try not to be bitter about the situation, but to me it feels as though I care a lot more than he does. Every now and again it takes its toll - on me. If he was a 'friend' or acquaintance I would have written him off already, but he's my Dad, and no matter what, I still love him. But I cannot continue to fret over the man, he has his life, and all I can do is hope that he is happy with it.

Besides... I have 2 other Dads (hubby's father and step-father) whom are reachable, and whom I have a better relationship with.

As they say... 2 out of 3 ain't bad!

irony of the e

2010-05-03T19:59:00.006-04:00

Last month I wrote an entry about our fiasco with ING and our mortgage. Jeff had said something to the supervisor at ING that made me chuckle.

The issue was the fact that we deposited more than one item at a time. Jeff had said "to save paper, no?" Apparently she didn't appreciate that comment. Then Jeff said to her, "you know, I do good work, I try and be good to the earth, and this is how I am rewarded?" I don't think the lady had a response for him.

But the thought did strike me that he had a point. ING is a bank that is mostly paperless, and branch-less unlike traditional banks. One might think that for such an e-forward (as in digitally, or electronically forward) they would appreciate the savings and efforts, but no. Thankfully God appreciates it, and after all, its done for Him and for that reason alone its worth doing!

the un-unmortgage

2010-04-15T18:15:00.007-04:00

Business can be tough... Take the business of getting a mortgage, or house insurance. Here describes two interesting, yet equally incomprehensible (if you ask me) decisions made by two companies.

First came the issue with house insurance. Lets rewind for a moment to August 2005 when we first purchased our home down south. We had house insurance through Allstate. We sold the house Sep 30, 2009. We (unfortunately) do not have tenant's insurance.

In April of 2006 we got vehicles and insured both of them with Allstate. We have had this policy ever since.

We asked Allstate for a quote on house insurance for the new house we are buying. Their decision? Declined. Why? Well, basically they told us that we have no history or loyalty with them. You see, from closing date to closing date, over 6 months will have passed, so we are apparently brand-new disloyal customers. No amount of discussion was going to change their minds, and the lady's attitude wasn't very friendly or helpful to the situation. (I will not name the specific lady, but I do not mind naming Allstate itself, as I believe these are Allstate mentalities and methods of practice, and not necessarily the "fault" of the individual, they were just doing their jobs).

Second issue came with Mortgage. We applied with ING Direct (and a couple of other places: A mortgage broker, and RBC). We were pre-approved by all 3 sources - nice! ING had the best rate, so we decided to go with them. We sent them all the paperwork they requested.

Then they asked for additional paperwork, provided. Then some more, again, provided. We were declined. Why? You see, my husband works for a not-for-profit organization. He is a regular salary-paid full time employee just like anyone else who works there. Just so happens that he is also one of the founding members, and just so happens that his brother is the President & CEO.

This was a problem for ING. Somehow this translated into them not being able to verify his income (even though we provided pay stubs, deposit records, letter from employer, etc...). They classified him as being self-employed. No amount of discussion was getting anywhere, their decision was final.

There was another slight problem too, a silly thing if you ask me. We both get paid via an actual cheque that we have to deposit. Because we can't have the funds be held, we have to deposit at the teller. We deposit both at once, and they show up as one deposit on the transactions. ING could not confirm that the deposits matched the pay stubs, even though all but a few were provided (and the few could easily have been provided). Apparently they didn't want to do the "math" to add the two pay stubs together and see they matched the deposit.

(I make note that I do not hold any ill-will towards our account rep, he did everything he could and we appreciate that. I disagree with the organization.)

We are fortunate though. These two experiences (that in my opinion should not have happened), could have broken the deal of buying the house, we'd be in trouble! But we had those other approvals, and we have other insurance connections. Nice to say that we have an almost equal mortgage rate from RBC, and we have a property insurance policy and a much better vehicle insurance policy with another organization (its great to have family in the business).

As for ING and Allstate, they do not get any of my business. Our 11+ year old savings account with ING will be closed (all the money transferred out, waiting to close it until they pay current interest earned). Our vehicles will no longer be insured with Allstate. Their business policies are not acceptable to us, and we will not do business with them.

flourish by detachment

2010-04-09T19:52:00.005-04:00

Sometimes we are put into interesting situations. Take starting a new job, for instance. No matter how well you can read people, an interview (or more than one) can only tell you so much. Only time reveals how things are, whether they be good or bad. When you are fortunate enough to enter a work place that has very little negatives that is great.

But what about those places that are in disarray? Maybe the prior management/administration really fouled things up... Maybe the person who had the job before you was so well loved that your presence becomes insult to them... Maybe people got so used to doing things a certain way that any change (even good changes that truly are NEEDED) becomes a hindrance and you are resented for representing that change. With any of these types of situations, time spent in a new role can be very difficult. After many years of experience in the 'field' one may learn how to better deal, but even like the newbie, some things are just too much to handle.

How long do you spend in such an environment? How much effort do you put forth just to be met with resistance at every step? How much can one take? Would anyone in those shoes question a decision to just walk away?

Too many workplaces become the main source of stress in life. Its bad for health, not just our health as the newbie, but those who were there before our time. Its uncomfortable for everyone, and the worse the relationships get, the more the work suffers. It brings pleasure to no one, no sense of accomplishment, and certainly no sense of reward.

Sometimes the situations are so dire that animosity is everywhere, and emotions run high. Everyone seems to be working against each other, rather than together. To that new person just starting out, this can be very discouraging. There are some professions where this disappointment can be overcome simply with a new place to go to work, but for others, it can make or break a long career ahead.

If newbie is going no where, and no one around them is getting anywhere either, wouldn't it just make sense to part ways? Would anyone blame the newbie?

* No, this post is not a real story, not one that is happening to me. Though it's roots do lie in the truth, I've simply created a hypothetical situation based on real-life experiences. Comments are welcome!

an altruistic pursuit

2010-03-03T16:32:00.005-05:00

My work at the church is far from glamorous. I perform relatively mundane tasks, many that are repetitive tasks.

But glamor isn't the reason I applied for the position. I never wanted to be front and center in the spotlight (though when there's a typo in the Sunday bulletin, everyone knows who did it! hehe). No, I applied for the position in an attempt to give back.

I have been blessed with skills and talents. Many of these talents could easily be used for positions that have a much higher gain in terms of finances, or personal recognition. However, those pursuits are not for me.

When I was little and thought about what I would be when I grew up, there were many things that came to mind. I can honestly say that philanthropy was not one of them. However, the reward I feel from doing such altruistic work is far greater than anything I initially could have imagined.

So I am not going to "strike it rich" by being a church secretary. So what! Being rich and materialistic is not in plans for me anyway. When I think of a big house, fancy car, lots of "stuff," I just can't see myself being the one that owns it all. I have what I need, and I love what I am doing, for me, that is enough.

I am also blessed with a husband who feels the same way. He also has a benevolent and generous spirit. Helping each other grow in this regard is a wonderful thing to experience. We both feel that we are not put on earth to conquer, to *have*, or to take more than we need.

Yes, we need to earn a living, to support ourselves and the needs of our household. But while doing that, we are fortunate to do work that we love, work that allows us to directly give back to God while earning income to sustain ourselves. Its the best of both worlds, if you ask me!

avocation

2010-02-03T16:06:00.006-05:00

I have only been there 2 weeks, and I thought I would blog about my new job already.... in a way ...

Its interesting how a person changes. I used to be nervous about starting a new job, not so much anymore. It might sound a bit conceited, but I am never really concerned that I will not be able to handle the work.

The workload is not something that ever really presented challenges for me. Rather, it was the people, not the tasks. No matter where one works, there will be people who are difficult to work with. Accepting this fact makes things a little easier, because I have given up on the idea that I *have* to please everyone, because quite simply, not everyone *can* be pleased.

At my new position, there will be a few people in the difficult category. Its just the way things are. But what I have been, and will continue to, focus on are the majority of people. The majority are kind, friendly, patient, helpful. They are people who genuinely want to not only see me succeed, but seek success in the grand scheme of things. I fall in line with that mentality - really, we need to work together for the greater good. Sometimes this means one has to let things go. Sometimes this means that one has to put aside their personal feelings and do what is best for the team.

To me its relatively easy to do this (at least so far, I am sure I will have my days where its not so easy). I work at a church, so setting my sights on the bigger picture - bringing glory to God - is an excellent motivator. When things don't go well at work, especially at "the church," its not only the people that suffer, but its the ministry that suffers. God doesn't want to see us fighting and failing, He wants us to succeed as much as we want ourselves to succeed.

Putting aside my personal opinions or ideas to create an environment where God shines though is simple, that's what I am called to do in every aspect of my life. "Whatever I do, I need to work on it with all of my heart, as though I am working for God and not man." (slight variation of Colossians 3:23)

life and death, work and play

2010-01-22T19:26:00.004-05:00

Wow, what a busy week it has been, and a busier week on the horizon.

It all started a week ago Thursday when I interviewed for a part-time position. Its a "secretary" or administrative position, one that many people wouldn't deem very glamorous. My response to such a thought is that a secretary or administrative assistant is an integral and vital part of any organization, they are important. Besides, someone has to do all that stuff. I applied and interviewed for the job because I like doing that kind of stuff, and I am good at it.

The following morning I received a call that I was selected as their ideal candidate. They had already spoken to one of my references (left a message for a second, but hand't heard back yet) and were more than comfortable extending the offer to me. After some relatively brief discussions, I accepted. (Everything about it was acceptable, even the pay, which was more than I was expecting!)

So I started already this week. Even though it's only part time, it felt like a busier week. I think I got used to the 3.5 months of not working and having all the time in the world.

Next week we have plans for a trip, meetings for hubby, and visiting for me. I was hoping to get some things done over the weekend, and early next week... But something came up.

We mourn the loss of a loved one. Someone dear to hubby, and someone dear to close friends. Tomorrow we head for viewing, then Monday for the funeral. We pray that she is now with God, happy and healthy, and living in glory.

Sometimes things come up that change our plans. But everything happens in God's time. So a busy week just ended, and a busier week on the horizon. At least we are not idle!

out of character?

2010-01-05T19:52:00.002-05:00

I was going to blog about the people who live upstairs and their apparent lack of courtesy/respect... but lets be honest, we can probably all come up with at least one or two stories per day of people not showing common decency towards one another.

Rather, I will blog about something else, because it is (unfortunately) much harder to find examples of people's actions that are good and nice and perhaps even a little old fashioned by today's standards.

I was at the mall, and there were lots of teenagers at the mall. I have a bit of a stereotype on how teenagers behave, and in my own defence, most of their actions seem to affirm my stereotype - the majority of teenagers lack respect. In fact, the story starts out that very way...

There were 4 boys exiting the mall, I was behind them, and they were behind an older lady with a cart. The boys were kind of weaving around people, it appeared they were in more of a hurry than most of the others. They were definitely in more of a hurry than the older lady, especially when she suddenly stopped moving so she could put on her gloves before exiting the mall. One of the boys banged into her, causing her to drop a glove. The boy continued on.

But the other 3 didn't. While one of these teenage boys stopped to pick up the dropped glove for the lady, the other two were giving the first boy some heck. "You can't just bang into someone like that..." they lectured. Even more surprising (to me anyway) was the next thing they said: "Go back and apologize to her, or we aren't going to hang out with you today."

WOW.

Even more WOW - the first boy did as they suggested. Head down, and looking a little ashamed, he walked up to the lady. "I am sorry for banging into you, and sorry I didn't help you with the glove you dropped."

I think the older lady was as surprised as I was. Seemed a little out of character for teenage boys in the year 2010...

Every once and awhile I need to be reminded that there are indeed good, caring people out there, and I am thankful to have been witness to it. Kinda renews my faith in humanity.

year in review

2009-12-27T13:07:00.006-05:00

It has been a pretty eventful and stressful year. But also a year filled with blessings, many of them unexpected and a couple of them quite sudden. Here are the highlights of 2009.

January

January was a tough month. I was temporarily laid off (seasonal work) and was expecting only part-time work when things resumed next door. Jeff had been doing some temping in December, but January brought along a halt to that. Jeff ended up taking a telemarketing job, certainly not his favorite and way out of his comfort zone. But we needed the money, and I am happy that he did what needed to be done for us. I started job searching, more for a second part-time job, but had applied to some full time jobs as well.

January also brought on the somewhat humiliated feeling of having to borrow money from someone. I wasn't sure if this person would do it, but they came through, and that was a blessed surprise.

There were a couple house showings in January, but no interest. January brought month 3 of the FOR SALE sign out front.

February

Jeff's telemarketing job continues and I am back to work part-time at the greenhouses next door. But things there are busier than expected, and full time work is available to me. However, in the meantime I had been interviewing and was offered a part-time job with more pay. Jeff and I worked some things out with our current employers, and we both ended up working two part time jobs which had us both at work 6 days a week. We "job-shared" at the greenhouse next door (Jeff there when I wasn't, and vice versa). It took a bit to get used to the schedule but more money was coming in.

Again a couple of showings, but no interest in the house. Month 4.

March

March was a better month. First, all our T4s and tax stuff was ready, so I filed taxes. Jeff got a nice chunk of money back, which allowed us to pay off 2/3 of the money we borrowed in January.

Both of us working, me liking my new job much better than Jeff likes his telemarketing one...

March was the end of our listing agreement on our house. We lowered the price, signed for another term, had an open house. Still no interest.

April

Things are running quite well with each working two jobs. More money was coming, bills were being paid, and some back log was being eaten away. We still weren't quite sure where we were going to get the rest of the money owed from what we borrowed in January.

A few house showings, and... no interest :( 6 months!

May

The Spring weather brought on more house showings. Some more detailed interest, and towards the end of the month we saw our first offer! It was a pretty good offer, but conditional on the other people selling their house. We also continued to have other showings, and would have entertained other offers if there were any.

May also brought us a new/renewed contract for a website we had designed and been maintaining for years. This overhaul came with a price, money up front, and the rest upon completion. The upfront money paid the rest of our "loan." And now we just had typical credit card and regular bills.

Work was going well, though Jeff was getting pretty tired of things at the call center, and who can blame him.

June

Well, Jeff finally had enough and decided to leave his telemarketing job. We had done the math and knew that financially we would just squeak by. Especially if our house sold soon, because we had that offer after all.

But the other people's house didn't sell, and they decided not to ask for an extension. So, no offer, back to the house being plain old for sale. We had some showings, and a new offer! Well, don't get too excited yet, it was a pitiful offer that we rejected.

Then the month turned from okay to worse... We were both laid off from our greenhouse job, and were replaced with students when they finished school for the summer. We were grateful to have the job while it lasted, and I will leave it at that.

July

Jeff begins some serious job hunting, and tries to keep busy. I still have my other part-time job and am still working 3 days a week, and its a job I love.

July brought a new offer! Again, this one was conditional on the people selling their house. But our agent was their agent, and we were kept up-to-date on how things were going with their house, and we continued to show ours.

One day at my work I noticed a job posting for "warehouse person" at another branch. I thought that it was something Jeff could do, and gave his info to that branch manager. Jeff was interviewed and was hired, and by the end of the month he had his first pay cheque. In the meantime he had interviewed and even tried out a few other things, but this warehouse job was the one that just worked for us.

The only downside was that Jeff had to get his car back on the road. It was an issue with the catalyst converter, plus he needed an oil change, some brake work,and an e-test. And we needed to renew the sticker. We still didn't have a lot of money up front. But we have retired mechanic friend down the street, and long story short, he and his son (a professional welder) repaired the damage for free! All Jeff had to do was the brakes, which was a struggle (and a long story in itself) but finally done.

August

Things were going well with both our jobs. I was enjoying my two days a week off and getting stuff done at home, and we settled into a routine. There was more money being earned then previously, so we were more comfortable and less stressed.

But the people who offered on our house, nope, their house didn't sell either, and they didn't ask for an extension. Our house was back to being regularly for sale... for a short term... The very next day we had a new offer! This one was conditional only on financing! It was a bit lower than we had hoped for, but still, this was the best overall offer yet! Remember that rejected pathetic offer I mentioned in June? Well, these were the same people with a reasonable offer. It took 5 days, they confirmed their financing, and YES!!!! Jeff and I put up the SOLD sign, a very happy moment indeed. And then the fun began, with just 6 weeks to pack up and move out! This was nearer to the end of the month, closing date Sept 30th (which would be 11 months from the day we initially put it up for sale).

A lot needed to happen in those 6 weeks, as our plan always was to relocate up north. Jobs were needed, and so was a home. Jeff spoke to someone about working from home (telecommuting) for an organization he helped to found. The assumption (based on past experiences) is that it would be a long process, and just hopefully he would be able to start close to our relocate date. The very next day, far less than 24 hours later he received a call and was offered a position! Talk about timing. He then had to resign from his current warehouse job, and in less than a week begin his new job.

The following weekend we made a 1 day trip to up north and looked at 6 apartments. By Monday afternoon we received the call that we got the one we wanted. Now all was left was for me to resign as well, which was tough, because I loved working there.

All of this, and still 1 week of August was left. I began job hunting and we began the process of sorting and packing.

September

What a busy month! I was still working 3 day a week til the end of the month. We sorted the house, I did most of the packing (which is okay, because I had the most time). We had 2 yard sales. We sold stuff on Kijiji and we gave stuff away on Freecycle. We made a trade with our neighbor, they would dispose of all our junk, and we would give them furniture that didn't sell.

Moving day came. No hiccups. It was a busy couple days. Load up on Wednesday, drive up north, Jeff drove the rental, I drove my car with the kitties. Spend night in motel. Unload on Thursday, then drive all the way back down south to return the rental truck. Then drive all the way back to our new home in Jeff's car.

October

The month started out with a whirlwind. The Thursday mentioned above where we unloaded then made the return trip was actually Oct 1st. The first week saw all the boxes unpacked (well, all that were going to be unpacked) and the entire apartment scrubbed from top to bottom. Everything was done in about 5 days.

Then we made a trip to see Jeff's family for Thanksgiving. It was a nice weekend, and such a short drive compared to when we used to do it from down south.

The rest of the month consisted of Jeff working, me job hunting, and trying to keep busy. I did a lot of baking that first month! We also dealt with Cogeco a couple more times than desired, but in the end got a new modem which has been flawless since.

We took advantage of the nice fall weather, explored trails, admired the colors, and saw some wildlife. Beautiful town!

November

Jeff continues to work away. The end of the month marked the end of his 3 month probationary contract, and we are happy to report that they didn't can him and he now has the standard 1 year contract.

I continued job hunting, and trying to stay busy. I scanned all 14 reels of my grandmother's slides, a daunting but rewarding task. I did some more baking. I cleaned twice a week. I made arrangements with the landlord for $100 off rent if I cleaned the common entry way. Boredom and a loss of purpose starts to set in, but I am not discouraged.

November was also the month where I did something very out of the ordinary - I set up the Christmas tree and decorated the house, and it wasn't even December yet! I don't know what I was thinking...

December

This was a month spent chasing kitty away from the Christmas tree. I did Christmas cards, more baking, more job searching, more walking, more trying to stay busy.

I tried, but failed, to see my sister. Failed because the car failed. Had to get some work done to it, and spent a bit of money, but not to bad when all things are considered. The following week was (a successful) second attempt to go see my sister, and it was a wonderful day.

I had a close call with my poor oak tree. :(

Christmas was quiet, with just Jeff and I and a 12lb turkey - lots of leftovers! Presents consisted of us shopping together. We both got some pants and sweaters, I got new winter boots, and Jeff got a new coat.

New Year's Eve will be spent with my sister, then off to see Jeff's family for a few days on New Year's Day. Holidays wrap up and end on my birthday!

See you next year!

the little things

2009-12-19T22:53:00.004-05:00

I am pleased to say that as we approach 3 months in the clean and friendly city up North that we are still loving it here. There are so many things about it here that are good for us.

But not everything has turned out how I had planned/hoped. Mainly, I am not working yet, despite my diligence in applying for positions. I guess its just not in the plans... yet anyway.

In the meantime I try and keep busy, though some days I find myself bored, and late afternoon naps at my desk with the kitty on my shoulder have become common, so have early mornings in bed reading with a hot cup of tea (and a kitty very nearby, often on top of the book!) I enjoy the freedom and the time that allows me such luxuries... for now anyway.

A lot of little things get done, mainly cleaning (and cleaning up after kitty). Its not a very big apartment, doesn't take long to clean, and with a messy kitty its a good excuse to clean several times a week.

A lot of walking gets done. Little steps, and when we first got here, those little steps (oh, I should say about a hundred little steps up a steep hill) hurt so bad! Oh my, I had to rest nearly 5 minutes at the top. Now we can do that hill a couple times of day and say, thats not so bad.

This little summary of the Northern life is just that: a summary. One that I hope gets the point across that I (we) are happy here, and despite a few little things, it is such a positive change for us. A long time coming, and we are enjoying the rewards of many years of patient anticipation.

its just a tree

2009-12-12T19:36:00.003-05:00

It happened a few weeks ago... One of the people who live upstairs knocked on our door and asked about the tree outside (small, pathetic looking oak tree in a 35 gallon black nursery pot that was sitting near the front door). She wanted to warn us, in a way.

Here is what she told me: The people who own the house next door saw her and asked if the tree was hers, she told them it was ours. The neighbors then proceeded to tell her the tree was ugly and 'dead.' To which she indicated again that it was not hers and they should talk to us. The neighbors then mentioned our landlord's name, saying they were going to complain to him.

She wanted to tell us just in case the tree went "missing" and we were wondering what happened to it. I thanked her then put a note in the pot and moved the tree to the side of the house.

I find a few faults with the entire scenario:

As soon as they were told they should talk to us, they should have. They did not.
The ugly part is debatable, but "dead?" Its winter, all coniferous trees look dead, were they thinking of cutting down the woods too?
What business was it of theirs anyway? Its my tree in "my" yard...

I guess no matter where you live, sometimes neighbors are a thing you can do without.

Oh, the note I put in the tree basically said that it belongs to me, is not dead, rather its dead appearance should be attributed to the fact that its winter. And I politely asked that no one disposes of my tree.

One might think its just a tree, what's even the big deal if they got rid of it? First, its a living tree, why destroy a tree if you do not have to. Second, it wasn't their tree to do anything with. And third, the tree actually has a bit of sentimental value to me.

When I was in elementary school I came home with this little sapling spruce tree. My Mom helped me to pot it and care for it, trimming here, fertilizing there. This little oak tree I now have started out as a tiny little stem with 1 leaf. I remembered Mom's teachings and wondered if I could bring this desperate little oak sapling to life. Sure enough, within 3 years its grown to about 3 feet tall, and (in the summer) looks very much alive.

what is courtesy anyway?

2009-12-09T14:53:00.004-05:00

One thing that seems to really bug me about people in general is courtesy, rather, lack thereof. I think so many things in life could be "better" if people were a bit more old-fashioned in their ways of treating one another. Common courtesy is less and less common these days.

I have been known to blog (okay, rant) about cell phone usage, and to me this is an example of lack of courtesy. Just so happens to be a bigger one, in the regard that lack of courtesy while driving is dangerous and can have serious ramifications.

Nonetheless, there are many other experiences that could be improved if courtesy was considered to be an important attribute. Take my trip to the grocery store yesterday. There was an older lady (not tooo old, but a senior) who was just all over the place in the store with her cart. I witnessed her bang into people, and she bumped my cart once. I tried to notice if she had any discernible ailments, but I didn't notice anything. Perhaps it was her eyesight, she was wearing glasses.

But upon watching her a little, her actions seemed (to me) to be less affected by any ailment and more dictated by her needs at the moment. She needed that item on that shelf, and it didn't seem to matter to her that there might already be people where she needs to be. Hence the bumping into people.

Even if she had legitimate ailments that contributed to her behavior, not once was she heard to utter any form of apology or acknowledgement of the incidents.

The next thing she did seemed to further my opinion that she was just being selfish. I was headed towards the checkout, closer to the available cash than she was. This older, senior lady noticed and picked up her pace, she pretty much was jogging by the time she passed me with her buggy and glided into the checkout just ahead of me. Hmm, I guess she was in a rush, which is exactly what I said out loud to her. She ignored me, and I went to another cash.

You might think the story ends here, but it does not. Coincidently I was parked right behind her in the lot. She was just finishing unloading her cart as I was approaching my car. She put her last two bags in the trunk, closed the lid, and then got into her car. The logical (and considerate) next step after closing the trunk would be to return the cart to the buggy area. No, she chose to leave it behind her car.

In Jessica fashion, I felt the desire to say something to her. I walked over to her window (she hadn't driven away yet). She wouldn't roll down her window (can't say I blame her) but I spoke loud enough for her to hear. "You're just going to leave your cart right there?" I asked, and was returned with a blank look and a shrug. "You're just gonna leave it, right there." I said again, and she nodded! "Suit yourself" I replied and put her cart away as she drove off.

I have been trying to come up with reasons, justifications, excuses, whatever you want to call them, and to try and see it from her perspective. What would cause someone to behave like that? Already stated, my first reaction is that it was done out of selfishness, lack of awareness, and definitely a lack of courtesy. But did she maybe have better reasons?

Was the parking lot icy/snowy? Nope
Was it raining/snowing/freezing cold or some other undesirable condition? Nope
Was the buggy area far away? Nope (15 feet maybe)
Was she in a hurry? I have no real way of knowing that, but even if she was, does that make for a good excuse?
Did she just get a call on her cell and there was an emergency somewhere? Highly unlikely as she wasn't witnessed (by me) to be using a cell at any point.
Did she have ailments (as I had already asked myself inside the store)? None that were apparent... And even if she had no ailments in the store, who is to say that she didn't hurt herself in some way between the store and her car, I wasn't in a position to witness such...

No matter how I try and think of it from her perspective, I have trouble coming up with something that would make her behavior acceptable... The most acceptable would be some ailment related thing, but then where was her consideration for others in terms of apologizing for her actions?

Maybe I missed something...

in⋅ap⋅pro⋅pri⋅ate

2009-12-05T19:13:00.009-05:00

Lately I have been on the topic of the whole disclaimer policy related to being a part of an organization (work, etc) and having to specifically separate that from your personal identity. I am not going to regurgitate those entries, you can read them here, here and here.

What I do want to talk about is what affect such policies may or will eventually have on the hiring process. Will a potential employer ask you about your social online networking or blogs? And what if they did?

I believe that this would be a totally inappropriate thing to ask. I don't think it is a necessary thing, and I think it borders if not crosses privacy invasion.

But I wonder what you think, so I have included two polls (---> look to the right --->)...

I appreciate your comments too.

in⋅ap⋅pro⋅pri⋅ate the opposite of: ap⋅pro⋅pri⋅ate [uh-proh-pree-it]
as defined by Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009, courtesy of dictionary.com
1. suitable or fitting for a particular purpose

also known as: wrong [rawng, rong]
as defined by Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009, courtesy of dictionary.com
1. not in accordance with what is morally right or good
3. not correct in action, judgement, opinion, method, etc.
4. not proper or usual; not in accordance with requirements or recommended practice
6. not suitable or appropriate
8. that which is wrong, or not in accordance with morality, goodness, or truth

or: im⋅prop⋅er [im-prop-er]
as defined by Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009, courtesy of dictionary.com
2. not in accordance with propriety of behavior, manners, etc.
3. unsuitable or inappropriate, as for the purpose or occasion
4. abnormal or irregular

repudiation

2009-11-27T12:18:00.002-05:00

I still have some lingering and somewhat random thoughts related to the theme of the last two blog entries I made. The topic is: employment policies that relate to personal social networking and/or personal blogs, and how employees are being required to include a disclaimer on their personal things that separate them as an individual from them as the team-member affiliated with the employer.

I have been mulling about these ideas for days and still have not come up with a way to properly articulate my thoughts on them. So, I am going to cheat and take the easy way out and just list them as food for thought. Maybe I will add a note or two, but looking for your comments/thoughts as well.

1. Does the requirement of such a disclaimer on personal blogs/identities by existence show we have something to "hide" or possibly be ashamed of?
My thoughts here are kinda like this... By stating that "the thoughts or opinions in a personal blog do not represent the organization" to me gives an indication for the reader/viewer to EXPECT to read something that is not in line with say my day job. Does this disclaimer "set me up" so to speak, in terms of having people presume things before even reading?
These thoughts stem from my belief that people are inherently incapable of being objective.

2. I think that having to put a disclaimer on my personal stuff says more about the reader than me the writer.
I have stated before that while I am able to compartmentalize and separate people at work from people not at work (in terms of who they are and how they may act) and that other people are not. My first, and not necessarily nice or politically correct reaction, is that this fact is actually more of an insult to those others. Therefore such a disclaimer says less about me and more about someone else's ignorance or inability.

3. I believe that what people at work think or know about who I REALLY am doesn't necessarily matter too much in the grand scheme of things.
In the summary of my first entry on this topic I indicated that it really only matters what God thinks. But to extend that a little further, I believe that Biblically God has set my life's priorities for me, and because of this, my "not really caring what strangers think" isn't specifically un-Biblical. The priorities set for me are as follows, in order (which is important). 1. GOD 2. HUSBAND 3. FAMILY 4. FRIENDS and 5. EVERYONE ELSE. So the people I really have to "answer to" are already the ones who know me best and quite frankly, the ones who can see right through me. They know how to "take things" that I say, they know whether or not I am offensive, and when they talk to me I really listen because they get to the root of the issue and I don't have to sort through all kinds of fluff to determine what their problem really is.

I guess that is it for now... But I did have an interesting conversation the other day about this whole topic and how it relates to the hiring process, and what affect my personal blog has on me being an ideal candidate. I have a few interesting things to write about, and even have a poll or two in mind... stay tuned for that!

extended caution

2009-11-24T16:12:00.006-05:00

I am continuing with my thoughts on the topic of disclaimers/warnings/cautions as they relate to having a personal identity that is separate from any affiliations with groups/companies/organizations. I originally blogged about the fact that many places of employment require their employees to put a disclaimer on their personal blog or social networking identity.

In that entry I indicated that though I do not disagree with such policies, I do however feel that something is missing, especially for Christian organizations. Here are a few of those:

1. Individuals have the right to personal thoughts and the expressions of those thoughts
This point doesn't really need a whole lot of explanation, especially from a societal perspective. But lets take a moment and look at it from a Biblical perspective. God created us with free will, free thoughts, and the ability to make choices. I think its implied here that He never intended us to be all uniform in our ways, because He could easily have made us into whatever He wanted. God chose not to create mindless drones. He chose to create us as individuals, and the importance of this is not lost on me. I think that God had planned all along for us to have differing views on things, and to have ideas that someone else may not have come up with. These things spark collaboration and networking, they spark new and creative ways of doing things. Yes, they also tend to spark debates, arguments, hatred and worse. (But that only happens when we take things too personally and allow pride to get in the way of the greater good).
What I am really trying to say here is that if God wanted me to "be just like you" He would have made me that way. The fact that He didn't tells me that I am not necessarily wrong or evil to have my own thoughts on a subject.

2. Individuals have the right to NOT read, watch or listen to things that they disagree with, or are offended by
I have definitely touched on this in various entries over my blogging history. I am going to keep this simple by letting you read this post. The most important line in that entry that I want to highlight here is this:

The last time I started to read something that offended me, do you know what I did? I STOPPED READING IT! And the last time I read an entire thing that offended me, do you know what I did? I contacted that person and had an open and healthy discussion about it!

Too many times people make assumptions. In most forms of communication (even sometimes in face-to-face encounters) its hard to tell the "tone" or implications of writing. Some things are taken the wrong way, taken out of context, etc. Sometimes people assume that you mean things a certain way, simply because they think you are always that "way..."

3. As Christians, we have the responsibility to pray for people who we feel are off-base with their personal facebook statuses, or their personal blog entries.
This is unfortunately the most important part that is too often overlooked. I will speak of personal experiences. I have had people tell me that my words or actions have offended them (no real surprise there) and its not something that makes me proud or happy. In fact it sometimes makes me feel sad and ashamed (depending of course on the issue and/or the person). I have had people tell me that I am a terrible person who needs "help" (help of the professional kind). I have had people say things like "I am only telling you this because I am concerned for you..." A typical but unspoken response of mine would likely be to refer to Luke 6:41-42, but I have found that gets me into even more trouble, and often incorrectly mistaken as a defence mechanism. So instead my "new" typical retaliation is to ask that person "Have you prayed for me?"
This is where it gets interesting... After the initial awkward reaction of fidgeting, staring at toes or ceiling, accompanied by a shade of red in the cheeks, the conversation is often over. Its interesting to me how few (Christians) have replied with the answer YES. Many simply do not respond, but worse than that are the responses that would make me feel that I am not even worthy of being prayed for.
You see the point here is this: As Christians, we are responsible not only to God and ourselves, but we are responsible to each other. We are to hold each other accountable and do what we can (within Biblical means) to maintain or restore each other to a right relationship with God. That is to be our ONLY motive - bringing glory to God. If someone is offended by something I write/say/do, and they do not pray, that is a significant problem.

A typical "disclaimer policy" will read similar to this:
...any personal blogs or other information shared online that could reflect on the [organization] must have a disclaimer stating that the author does not represent the [organization]...

Here is what I think would be a more effective, and more respectful, disclaimer policy:
...we recognize and respect your right to personal thoughts and opinions, however, some readers may not be able to separate your individual avocations from those of our organization. We ask that you make special note such that these misunderstandings can be reduced/eliminated.
...we ask that all of our employees remember that your co-workers are also people who are not necessarily 'just like you' and bear in mind that your differences are what make us work better as a team towards our overall mission.
...furthermore, we promise to pray continually for us all. We pray that no matter our thoughts, words, actions, we will recognize that we are all children of Christ, and we deserve to be treated as such.

warning

2009-11-19T20:04:00.005-05:00

Many companies/organizations out there either have for quite some time or are just instituting employee policies when it comes to personal accounts on social networking (facebook, for example) or personal blogs. They are requiring that their employees put a disclaimer (A repudiation or denial of responsibility or connection -- American Heritage Dictionary) of sorts, stating that this is the personal space of so-and-so and the thoughts, ideas, etc... are not representative of the organization.

Sometimes I think or ask, why do we need to do this? Who I am at work and who I am at home are not necessarily the same, and can't people compartmentalize? The short and easy answer is, no, people cannot...

Just the other day I was watching a re-run of Stargate SG-1 on DVD. The episode dealt with this issue - sort of... it dealt with something very similar anyway, the fact that when you are part of a group, even when you are acting alone, outside of the group, people will make the assumption that you are still acting as part of the group.

Teal'c (an alien) is part of the team SG-1, which is made up of two earthlings from the military, two aliens, and one earthling civilian. In this episode Teal'c decided to seek revenge on another alien, part of a group that has a somewhat weak alliance with earth. The people from earth, the US military to be exact who run the SG program, were worried that his actions would be mistaken as represenative of earth, and would therefore jeopardize and progress made. Teal'c, like me, thought that people should just "know" the difference. But all across the galaxy everyone made the assumption that the SG command were worried about. You see, Teal'c has been an integral member of SG-1 for about 10 years, and often has gone out alone, but on earth business. Why would this be any different, especially because the guy he was going after was a bad guy to a lot of people, and it would even be conceivable that earth would want to "do something" about this guy too.

So, their concerns were justified.

To add to the situation, and to extend the point of people's assumptions... Even when Teal'c specifically told people in the galaxy that his revenge was not an earthling plan, and that he was acting alone, people still had difficulty separating Teal'c the individual from Teal'c the team member.

So, their concerns were not only justified, but if anything, they underestimated the extent of Teal'c's affiliation with earth...

I wonder then, will a disclaimer really even help? Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that organizations flat out prohibit their employees from having personal blogs, etc... I don't think that is right, or fair, or even legal?? But I wonder if a disclaimer is enough...

I wonder if I have to put a disclaimer on my blog because my ideas are so radically different from the organization I work for, then is there a misalignment between me and the organization in general, should I even be working there?

I wonder why the whole warning/disclaimer issue is so one-sided... There are other aspects here, and I will summarize:

Individuals have the right to personal thoughts and the expressions of those thoughts
Individuals have the right to NOT read, watch or listen to things that they disagree with, or are offended by
As Christians, we have the responsibility to pray for people who we feel are off-base with their personal facebook statuses, or their personal blog entries.

Why these things are never mentioned in conjunction with the whole disclaimer thing is (to me) something that is lacking (I do plan to blog in more detail on these three points soon)...

Ultimately... it doesn't matter what I do or do not write, read, watch, say, think, when it comes to other people's reactions to them. Really, it matters what God thinks of it. I may be out of line sometimes, but God will help straighten me out, especially if those people who tell me "you shouldn't write that" also prayed to God "please help her not to write that again, and/or help me understand and be sympathetic..." you get the idea, I think.

lady picture show

2009-11-08T20:50:00.002-05:00

I have been busy this past week with a project that is both fun and not-so-fun, both easy and daunting. Its all a matter of perspective of course...

Well over a year ago I blogged about my grandmother's slides that were so thoughtlessly discarded. For months I was both saddened and angered by that act, and chose to let the reels of slides sit in my closet. I had intended to scan them, someday...

But then we started some projects around the house, and things got busy. Oh well, I will get back to those slides, someday...

But then we put our house up for sale, and at any time there could be showings. Having projects strewn about was not possible, so I had to wait until the house sold, someday...

But it took 11 months from start to finish to sell our house, and the pile of slides just sat there, not being enjoyed, and worse, further degrading in terms of its medium (slides, negatives and photos don't last forever!) I needed to get to them, someday...

This week that day came! I realized that I need to do it now, while I have the time, and not wait for some other day. Its a big project, because there are a lot of slides! Most are nicely sorted into reels (11 of them, though some are only partially full) but there are also a bunch just loose in a bag.

In addition, there are more reels at my sister's house - ironically (or not so much) there were some reels that were not thrown away - the reels with "our" family, ones that my father must've thought meant something to him... (gonna stop that train of thought now, already expressed my frustration in that previous blog entry)...

And after the slides are done, come the box(es) of photographs...

But you know what? With all the bad aspects of doing this project (time consuming, etc), there are so many more good things - like seeing all these cool old photos, like reminiscing when I see a person or place that I have memories of, like knowing that eventually when the project is done that ALL of my family (immediate, extended, etc...) will be able to enjoy them too!

reaching my potential

2009-11-04T11:19:00.001-05:00

** this post was written a long, long time ago, and left forgotten as a draft... but I will post it now anyway... **

I reacted somewhat poorly to a blog entry that a friend made. Not in any way to offend my friend, and I hope I didn't - but I reacted because sometimes I get tired of certain things.

Perhaps its bitterness, or just a longing for what I never had, but I don't always feel so special and privileged in the sense of automatically being more so than a person of color, a black person specifically, as the entry suggests...

Apparently I have more potential of growing up to be of higher class than I was when I was a child than a person of color does of growing up to be white.

Um, no kidding?

Seriously, I know this argument is more than about the color of skin, its the perceptions that people have related to that skin color. It is more likely for me to be in control of my future financial and social status than it is for a person of color to be in control of another's thoughts and opinions of them. However, my class and value, my worth in society are also dependent on other people's perceptions of me.

and it ends...

2009-06-09T11:51:00.002-04:00

About this time last year I started working for our neighbor in his greenhouses. What started out as a summer gig turned into a "we can probably keep you busy until Christmas" which turned into "there is some work after Christmas..."

You get the idea... The summer gig turned into a permanent job, some full time, and some part time. Then this February when I started my other part-time job my husband took over my other days next door and we were both working there.

But as the title of this post indicates.. Its coming to an end, as of the end of next week we are both laid off. Yes, that sucks... But more importantly, I am focusing on the fact that I (we both) were given jobs when we needed them, and had opportunities that we are truly appreciative of.

Now we just wait and see what the future holds. But I have faith in my Lord.

more on my favorite pet peeve

2009-04-16T20:45:00.003-04:00

In case you hadn't gotten it from several of my previous posts, my favorite pet peeve has to be cell phone use. This post is going to be more about sharing two different news stories – yes, real stories that have been in the new somewhat recently, not just my own rantings on the subject.

The first story has to do with the 'fact' (I will use that term loosely for now, because the general population is not in agreement that this indeed a fact) that cell phone usage is ultimately dangerous.

A young woman in Toronto was killed and the only reason for her death was her cellphone usage. Her death was 100% preventable, and in my opinion 99.9% her own fault. Don't get me wrong, I am not at all happy in her death, I think its very sad, and very unfortunate. But it was also preventable. I feel especially bad for the driver of the truck, who couldn't possibly have seen her, as she was the one who walked into the truck. But maybe 0.1% was his fault, because if it were me, I would have noticed the woman on the corner chatting away on her cell, and honestly (this might be the saddest part yet) I probably would have expected her to do something stupid, like walk out in front of my car. I have been driving enough to see cell phone users (both pedestrian and drivers) do really stupid things, simply because they are not paying attention. It is sad that other drivers and other pedestrians now have to be prepared for even more craziness on the roads because of cell phone usage.

This story only affirms my belief that cellphone usage is too disruptive and too distracting to be in place 100% of the time.

The next story has a different twist, no one dies, no one is injured. However, this story also affirms my belief that cellphone usage is very much disrespectful. I do not like it when I am almost side-swiped, cut-off or rear-ended on the streets by cellphone using drivers. But I also don't like it when I am hit in the grocery store by a cellphone using buggy pusher. If you are anywhere and other people are around, YOU must be aware of your surroundings, and YOU must not infringe on other people's rights to be safe while upholding your own supposed right to talk on the phone wherever you want.

The setting is a high school in BC. Like many schools it has a cellphone ban in effect. And like many schools, the students (and even some teachers) are not respecting the rules. Putting effective disciplinary measures in place proves to be challenging, because (for some reason) these kids (and the few teachers) believe it is their “right” to use their cellphones whenever and wherever they want.
You may have guessed that I certainly don't agree that this is a RIGHT... A privilege maybe, but a RIGHT?? Nope, not in my books.

But back to the school. Seems the teachers and principal were at their wits end with this. The principal did something that is rather brave, and something that I could see myself doing if I were in a similar position, but unfortunately it was also something illegal. He went online and bought a cellphone jammer from China, had it delivered then installed it in the school.

Didn't take long for the students to notice their phones weren't working. I ask – if you (student) was obeying the cellphone ban, how would you have noticed the jammer? Its pretty obvious to me that the only way you could have noticed the jammer was when you went to use your cell and it wasn't working.
Unfortunately though, two wrongs don't make a right. The principal had to unplug and stop using the jammer. I agree with that. What I don't agree with so much are the rest of the arguments made by the students (and some parents, some teachers, even some government officials).

It's illegal to use the jammer. I agree with this, and understand why it is illegal.
It takes away the rights of the cell phone user. Not agreeing with this – its NO ONE's right to talk or text whenever they want, with complete disregard for their surroundings.
It takes away their ability to contact parents/guardians in cases of emergency. Not agreeing with this – there is always another way. Its called a regular phone, as old-fashioned as it might seem. Or a pay phone (even though they now cost a whopping 50 cents!) In cases of emergency, the school office should already know and make that call to the parent/guardian. And if the parent needs to reach the kid – again, call the school office, that is what they are there for.
It is archaic and contrary to the social develop needs of today – Though I understand why this argument is made, I still don't agree. I don't agree that society today should be so wrapped around their little gadgets. And they speak of social development... the last time I spoke in person to someone that does about 95% of their communicating electronically, well, lets just say that it was actually very hard to carry on a conversation with them – its almost as if they didn't even know how to talk in real-life. They kept saying - "wow, communicating is so much easier online." Though I myself use email as my primary method of communication, I am not inept in regular personal face-to-face encounters. And my preference towards email usage has a lot more to do with the fact that email allows both me and the recipient to communicate at a time most convenient to ourselves.

I guess I just wonder about the whole “its my right to use my cellphone” deal. Is it really your *right* to potentially danger yourself and others? Is it your *right* to be distracting? Is it your *right* to be an impaired nuisance or worse? If it is really your *right*, then it should also be MY RIGHT not to be bothered, inconvenienced, endangered or killed by your cell usage. Unfortunately your rights seem to outweigh my rights.

I remember something about my mother – who never had an answering machine or voice mail. She used to say “if its important enough, they will call back.” If its an emergency, someone will find some other way of reaching you, and you can find some other way of reaching them. Unfortunately for that woman in Toronto, she lost her life for her *right* to her cellphone use. And our children are giving up their right to a proper education, because for some reason their *right* to chat with their friends (which I believe is the MAIN reason for their cell using, NOT to call parents in emergency situations – because emergencies just don't happen that often) outweighs their right to be educated.

And this might even stem into another blog entry – what constitutes an emergency these days? I guess that since luxuries have turned into necessities, and privileges have turned into rights, that anything can be considered an emergency.

happenings of late

2009-04-14T19:41:00.002-04:00

The focus of life lately has consisted mostly of work. Working during the day, working during the evenings. Motivation is low, its hard to get motivated to do a whole lot. Its much easier to be motivated to sit around and watch TV. Its easy to forget our problems and frustrations when we are watching someone else's on TV.

If we aren't working, we are trying not to be frustrated and impatient with our house not yet being sold. We seriously didn't think it was going to take this long. But when we set this whole thing in motion late last summer / early fall, we certainly didn't know the market was going to tank and the whole economy was going to crash.

Is it still the right time to sell? Who really knows. Some properties are selling, others are not. Ours is a bit unique as opposed to people who live “in town.” Rural properties appeal to less people, and especially a property that is located right next to a (small) greenhouse operation. I wish potential buyers would believe it when I say that you really don't notice the fans and noise after a week or so, it just becomes part of the environment.

But which is worse? Traffic, honking, cars, people... or the hum of fans that are there to moderate the temperatures in a greenhouse that holds thousands of beautiful plants? I would take the fans any day. But that's what makes the property a bit unique. Not everyone wants to live out in “the sticks” in the first place.

We still think that selling is the right choice for us. Our original goals are still on the table. Other than our house not yet selling, there is nothing to indicate that these goals should not be our goals. We are not receiving any clear (or unclear) messages that we should be pursuing anything else.

In the meantime, patience is a virtue, and we are sure gaining experience in that regard. We are doing our best to make things work, to make ends meet, and to be content. Our relationship is stronger because of it, and our commitment to each other has not faltered. Its interesting how struggles can bring people together, just like sometimes struggles can push people apart.

All I can say is that without the strength and support of my husband, I would never be able to do this – this “game” of wondering and waiting. The support and encouragement we offer each other is something that I will not trade for anything.

the new job

2009-03-28T19:53:00.002-04:00

I have been at my new (second) part-time job for just over a month now. I figured its time to blog about it. It didn't take long at all for me to feel like I fit in here. People here are friendly, easy-going, and they like to have a good time.

Don't get me wrong, we all get our work done, but the philosophy here is that we should have as much fun as possible while doing it. Throughout the day you can hear joking and laughter, and only occasionally do you hear anything “grumpy.”

Like all work places, the grumpiness comes when things go wrong, or when things are just a bit too busy. But that doesn't happen here too often (so far). Its not always easy to gage when things will get busy, because its a customer-driven environment. There are times of the day when the store-front has lots of customers and the phones are ringing off the hook. There are also times when its so quiet, no activity at all.

I like it here. The job itself is super easy. Some days I am actually downright bored, though I do my best to find things to do. But its not the work itself that I like most about being here. Its the people and the environment that has been created. Its far from a stuffy office, that's for sure. I am also sure that some people might get a bit offended in this environment because people here aren't always so politically correct, aren't always worried about hurting someone's feelings. This is not a bad thing. The people here are REAL, and HONEST. They act like they ARE - and they are good people.

I have worked in other places where the people always walked on eggshells because of the constant fear of being offensive, or the constant wondering how someone will “take” what they have said or done. It creates an uncomfortable, and at times, a hostile environment when people can't be real.

I like it here because these people remind me that we are all human, and it is okay to be human. We work together the best we can to get stuff done, to help each other, and quite frankly – to care. I have these experiences with my (first) part-time job in the greenhouses, and now I have it here. Its nice that I can fill 6 work days a week, and 1 day of rest, with honest natural behavior, and (as surprised as some people might be) – people like me!

I have said before, and this job only confirms it, that the issues that I had at my previous place of employment were not all about me. I am beginning to think more and more that they were much less about me than they were about others. This job is affirmation that I just didn't belong there, and I am glad that it didn't work out, and that I didn't try to “stick it out” because the hostility and bitterness I felt everyday as a result of how I was treated (perceived or real) is just not something I enjoy dealing with in my life.

lights... but no camera, no cells, no action

2009-03-15T21:09:00.004-04:00

A long time ago I blogged people's useage (or lack there of) of their lights while driving. I am surprised at how few people realize that not only at dusk, but also during drizzly/foggy/rainy days, that full lights are just a good idea.
Running lights are effective really only when they are your headlights (not dots like my car) and only effective for oncoming traffic. But tail lights should be essential. Say I am driving the speed limit, or just over. You are not. Maybe you are scared because of the weather, maybe you are just preoccupied with something else (talking on your cell maybe). So I come around a corner, and there you are, a slow poke, and I have to hit my breaks harder than I'd like. One might blame me, maybe I'm going too fast. Whatever. All I am saying is that if your tail lights were on, I would have noticed sooner that you were there.
I tend to think things like that are common courtesy. I also tend to think that we as a society have less and less of it as time goes on. Just like we have less and less common sense; less and less morals; less and less love. If we cared a little more about other people, then it would be easier for us to realize how selfish and unobservant we can really be.
Talking on cell phones/texting, even taking pictures on your camera phone while driving tells me that you don't fully *care* about everyone around you. Putting on makeup, or reading something (other than a map, and I still think you should pull over to do that) tells me that you don't fully *care* about everyone around you. Not using headlights and tail lights when the weather or light conditions require it tells me that you don't fully *care* about everyone around you.
Its not just you on the road, we are all on the roads. Your actions could result in serious accidents or worse. Your divided attention behind the wheel could propel your little rocket into someone else's car, whcih cause cascading crashes from there. You could seriously destroy property or other vehicles. You could hurt people and yourself. You could kill people.
Maybe I am being a bit over board on this, but I just want people to get it. When you are driving, you MUST be fully aware of everything going on around you. Even if travelling at slower speeds, but especially at high speeds, the risk is just too great for you to be so in your own little world, so much that you don't seem to have any regard for other people's safety.
I just want people to get it - perhaps reading this list from CAA will help.

some things are good, other(s) not so much

2009-02-15T17:30:00.004-05:00

Lately I have been working really hard at finding the blessings in things, working to be content in all situations. Its easy when things go well, not so easy when things fail.

Like my again broken washer... Same problem as last time, the motor has fried. It makes me wonder if there is a different issue that caused the motor to fry, and I wonder if the service guy last time should have been more thorough. But its all too late, as the warranty on the parts was only for 90 days. How do I find the blessing in that? Okay, on one hand, I don't have to do laundry, because I can't. That frees up time to do other things, like write this blog entry... However, its only a matter of time before I will need to do laundry... I guess a trip to the neighbor's will be in order until we find the means to repair or replace the machine.

But other things are going good. Hubby and I are getting along very well. We have both re-focused our attention on each other, and do much better at treating each other with respect and honor. That is a wonderful blessing.

We had 3 house showings last week, that is cool. One person in particular has shown a lot of interest, and perhaps an offer is coming, now *that* would be a HUGE blessing!

I start a new part-time job this week, that pays more than either of our current jobs. In fact, in order to maximize our time and what we get paid, hubby will also work his current job only part-time. The two of us will then share my current job... Seems strange on the surface, but the benefits outweigh any confusion and annoyance. First, we don't have to put the other car back on the road, as the days I need the car, hubby works next door, and vice-versa. Second, because we will be working a total of 11 days out of the week (combined) and my additional wages, we should be able to take home almost $200 more per week! Another blessing.

Our relationship with our neighbors is very strong, such they aren't just neighbors, or a boss, they are friends. This has proven to be beneficial for both families, as we are able to share, and help each other out when in need. Blessing.

Due to necessity our spending and consumption of resources has diminished. This could be seen as a bad thing, little money... However, I think that once we are in a better financial position it won't make any difference to our consumption, as we both recognize that we were somewhat wasteful in the past. Saving money, saving resources and consuming less is only a win-win for us and the environment. Yep, you guessed it, Blessing!

Okay, keeping tabs? That's 5 things I can easily find the blessings in, and 1, well not so much... I'd have to say that 5 out of 6 is good. Better than good. I'll take it.

"un"wisdom for the ignorant

2009-02-08T20:32:00.007-05:00

I have thought about this post all day, but I am still not sure I will be able to keep my thoughts as coherant as I would like. Bear with me...

The idea started a few weeks ago when I became a more "regular" attendee of LifeChurch.tv. There was this 4-part series called True[ish]. You can watch them via their archives! The pastor was talking about things in this world, in this day and age, that we (even us Christians) hold as true, but in fact they aren't really true at all. Over the few weeks I began to reflect on things that I held as virtues, and I began comparing them to who Jesus was and what He held as virtues. I would like to be able to report that I am "right on track" but I am a sinful human, and I am not anywhere near close to Jesus in those regards. (Nor is anyone else I suspect. And no, that is not a judgement, just a fair comparison of where we ALL stand next to Jesus' examples. Unfortunately we all come up short.)

This pastor of LifeChurch.tv is not what I would refer to as a typical pastor, at least not typical for the denomination I grew up in. Honestly, I don't really think his preaching style would be overly appreciated by most. However, I appreciate how he was able to highlight the absolute truths found in the Bible. He pointed out his own, and all of our flaws, and while doing so, he never once made me feel berated. He did however, remind me how much we fail on a day-to-day basis to act as Jesus' example showed us. How much we fail at "doing justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly with our Lord." Micah 6:8.

I don't really want to get into too much detail on the specifics of his sermons, I really encourage you to watch for youself. What I wanted to focus on is the outstanding question I have, the same question I almost always have when I leave church.

How?

We hear sermons that reflect on Bible passages. We hear what the scriptures mean in layman's terms. We hear how we don't measure up. But to me something is still missing. How do we do it? Where is our tangible check list of things to do or try, our guideline?

Yes, we have the Bible itself, however, it doesn't have these nifty little lists. If you start a new job, or go to learn a new subject in school, you have a trainer/instructor. Then you run through examples to explain the theory. The next step is running through some of those examples on your own, to see how you do, and where you need to make adjustments. One would never try to solve the square root of a number without knowing (or at least have written down) the quadratic equation.

Where is our equation, our list, our instruction manual on the HOW? I get the why. I understand the theory. How do you put it in practice?

has anything changed... for the better?

2009-02-01T21:07:00.007-05:00

Recently I watched this video on YouTube. It is a speech by Severn Suzuki at the 1992 UN Earth Summit. I would highly recommend taking 6 and a half minutes from your busy schedule to listen to this (at that time) young girl, barely a teenager, who says things we should all be saying.

It amazes me that this speech is from 1992. The issues she talks about are still very much present today. I asked in the title of this post - has anything changed? Not for the better if you ask me. Things have really only gotten worse. All of the issue she talks about still exist today, and there are even more issues on top of that!

She is a well-spoken, bold young lady. The things she says really made me pause and think of what I can do about things, now. I do some things already to help the environment. I recycle, big time. I conserve, big time. I re-use things. And with all of that, I try to educate people. However, it is never going to be enough, even if every household in the world conserved as much as possible, there are still all those industrial factories consuming more than I ever thought possible.

I have shared before the website called StoryOfStuff. There is another great video there too, but you will need to set aside about 20 minutes. Educating ourselves and each other is one way that we can hopefully stand united against the governments and businesses of this world that are consuming at such an alarming rate, its scary!

I think that especially as a North American society, we need to stop consumerism. We need to stop planned and perceived obsolescence. What we need to do is go back to perhaps the days of our grandparents, when throwing out a used milk bag was unheard of, because didn't you know that you can wash it and then use it for a storage bag?

I will stop now, before I aimlessly go on and on. Preserving and repairing our Earth is something that we must all do together. But ultimately its a personal choice. Only you can decide if you will think twice about tossing something that really can be re-used. Only you can decide to go green.

we've been that time for awhile now

2009-01-17T21:12:00.010-05:00

I have been reflecting on this passage from the Holy Bible. Its from Timothy, the author of many of the instructions to the "church."

"For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." 2 Timothy 4:3 (New International Version)

As this blog entry title may indicate, I feel that we (all humans) have been in this time already, and probably have since Timothy first wrote this. Maybe even before he wrote it! I think its human nature to surround ourselves with those who are like us, but more than that, I think that people generally like hearing what they *want* to hear.

I heard someone in a church leadership position use this quote: "if you aren't getting the answers you seek, you are either asking the wrong questions or asking the wrong people." It never occurred to this person that maybe they were seeking the wrong answers in the first place! It never dawned on them that the answers they got were in fact 'sound doctrine.'

The "church" has changed its beliefs many, many times since Timothy wrote this. The "church" has altered its rules in order to adapt to the changes in the world. As more and more things become acceptable in society, they become acceptable in the church. Fundamentally this is wrong. We are to be in the world but not OF the world. Meaning, we are to live here, but not to become what is considered worldly as opposed to what is Biblical. We are NOT to change our beliefs every time society changes it's.

Where would we draw the line? We already allow women in office (as deacons, elders and even pastors). We already allow gays and lesbians in office. We already run our churches like businesses as opposed to the 'movement' it is supposed to be. The church is a communion of saints, not a building full of expenses to be managed like widgets on an inventory line. But society accepts women being equal to men, the entire women's liberation movement achieved that for us (didn't do ME any favors!). Society says that its okay, so now the church does too. I ask, if society ever ends up saying that if someone murders your child you will have the right to shoot them, will the church then think that murder is acceptable? Right now that seems ludicrous, but as recent as 10 years ago the church felt that women in office was ludicrous.

If you ask me, its only a matter of time before the church becomes the world. We are called by God to be disciples. We are called by God to teach His word, and to instruct in the ways of God. We are NOT called by God to set aside our fundamental beliefs simply because it might be deemed offensive to society as a whole. If you read the gospels on how Jesus himself behaved as a child and an adult you will find that He was not afraid or intimidated by the world. Jesus broke all kinds of worldly rules and even some church rules - all in the name of what is Biblically appropriate. He showed us HOW to live, and how to be a Christian. He lead by example, so why aren't we following that example?

I have been accused of hating the church. Well, hate is a very strong word. Even the Bible has something to say about HATE. "He who hates his brother is a murderer and no murderer has eternal life." (1 John 3:15). No, I don't hate the church. I do, however, have some issues with the "church" - which is likely apparent to anyone reading this blog entry, or other blog entries I have written. No, I don't hate the church, but I don't like what organized religion has done to the "church." I am a Christian. I believe in God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit. Its organized religion that I have a problem with, and how man (humans) have taken what God has commanded and made it something other than what God had intended it to be.

I am in no way trying to imply that I am perfect, far from it. I am a sinner just like all the other billions of people in this world. I am not even trying to imply that I feel I am better than anyone else. I just feel that the "church" has steered off course somewhere along the way. I could go into all kinds of examples, but this blog entry is long enough already. Bottom line, I feel that everything we need to know is in the Bible, and I feel its pretty explicit. Sure, we are all different and therefore there is a lot of interpretation, however, when some things are written very clearly, I just have a lot of trouble when human beings spin it to be what they want it to be at the time they want it to be that. I have heard the same person use the same passage to either support or negate the exact same cause, the only difference was how that person *felt* at the time. That kinda summarizes my entire point - we read the Bible and take from it, the only thing that changed was us, not the Bible.

In summary, Timothy was very enlightened (of course he would be, seeing as the entire Bible was written with the inspiration and guidance of God through the Holy Spirit). And who would know better what God intended for the world than God himself??? I think we should stop playing God, and stop pretending that we know better than He. To me, that is the greatest sin of all, changing His Word, because His Word is our cornerstone, our instruction manual, our guide of right vs wrong. The more we change it, the scarier this world becomes. Inevitably we will change His Word so much that it will be our words, then we are truly of the world. That's a problem.

hiding... no, just re-prioritizing

2009-01-13T22:15:00.002-05:00

So I haven't been on assbook, sorry facebook, so much lately, and hardly ever on MSN... Someone suggested to me that maybe I am hiding...
No, not hiding. I made a conscious decision to re-prioritize who and what gets my attention. This is the age of information overload. In fact, the average 16 year old makes more decisions in ONE DAY then say my grandfather did in an ENTIRE YEAR. There are so many things that can distract me from what is most important in life.
So, what are my priorities?

God - He has commanded us to obey, and that is what I am trying to do. Ironic though that in order to obey Him, I need His help to do it! And I ask for that, all the time.
Husband - Ultimately he is the one I will (and WANT) to spend the rest of my life with, but if I don't put my focus on him, I am sending the message that he is not important to me. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The rest of our family - Bottom line, family is meant to be there for each other. We might not always get along, but its important to keep those connections. No one said you have to be "best friends" with all your family, but if you can't count on them, who can you count on?
Friends - Hopefully none of our friends take offense that they are not #1 in my life, but keep in mind that #4 is only a close #4, and often some friends end up being closer than some family. Such is life. I am grateful for the friends (and family) that I can always count on.
Play - This would include watching TV or movies. And cause I am such a dork, computer geek stuff, and shoveling the driveway! (I like being outside, and the exercise is great).
Work - Even though for many it consumes more than 1/3 of the day, work is NOT the end all and be all of life. Work can be fun, work can be horrible, but providing for the necessities of life is well, necessary. (I am grateful that I LOVE MY JOB!)
Everything else - pretty much self-explanatory.

So far I think I am off to a good start for 2009. Each day presents something new, but with this attitude, I know I can get through anything. Besides, I never walk this world alone, as Jesus lives in my heart, and the Spirit is always here to guide me. I give praise to God for what I have. Sometimes its a struggle ... but God gives us what we need, not always what we want.

year in review

2008-12-29T19:13:00.007-05:00

I am doing this same meme (questionnaire thingy) that 'Rain did on her blog. Fun stuff. (jessica smirks)

What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? put our house for sale
Did anyone close to you give birth? no
Did anyone close to you die? not really (close, not someone close, that is...)
What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? sell our house
What was your biggest failure of the year? realized too late that some (big and important) things were not as i thought they were
Where did most of your money go? house renos

Compared to this time last year:

Are you happier or sadder? happier
Thinner or fatter? thinner, thanks to manual labor!
Richer or poorer? poorer

What do you wish you’d done more of? communicating with loved ones
What do you wish you’d done less of? stupid assbook, ahem, i mean facebook
What was the best book you read? (still in progress) but Dune, by Frank Herbert (its also a movie, maybe i will watch it sometime)
What was your favorite film of this year? can honestly say that i wouldn't be able to tell you the name of a new movie from this year
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? selling our house and moving
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. you can't trust very many people to be true to their word. a phrase like "my word is my bond" is indeed a rarity these days.

a different christmas

2008-12-23T19:26:00.003-05:00

It is a weird Christmas this year. Its the first year in many that we didn't send Christmas cards. The first year in many that we haven't gotten gifts for the people we always buy gifts for. The first year that we have no real Christmas festivities to attend.

But that's not what Christmas really is anyway. Yes, one aspect of Christmas is spending time with family and loved ones. However, just because you aren't physically in the same place doesn't mean you are not together in a sense, in each others' hearts and minds. And Christmas isn't really about gifts and cards...

Its obvious to me what Christmas is about, remembering Jesus' birth. Sometimes though, the obvious is still a struggle to see, to accept as real. What I am trying to get at is this: somehow I am feeling that its not really Christmas because I'm not doing any of the traditional Christmas things. But how much of those traditions are not really Jesus-loving practices anyway?

I won't go far down the whole consumerism path, but not buying useless junk for people isn't such a bad thing. I do have lots of baked goods in my freezer, so those who I see over the holidays will get that from me. Something I made, something that can be enjoyed, but something that doesn't add clutter or work to someone's life. (okay, maybe some work in terms of working off the calories!)

I am accepting that Christmas can be exactly what this year is for me, a quiet holiday alone with the ONE person who I would share Christmas with no matter what, by choice! Hubby and I will start our own family traditions!

no real surprises here...

2008-12-15T21:55:00.002-05:00

I just read a friend's blog and did this personality test. Thanks 'Rain!
well, honestly, I didn't perceive myself to be so "judging"... hehe

But for a lot of the answers, the ideal choice would have been:

“sometimes both, it all depends on the circumstances!

on my mind

2008-12-15T19:08:00.002-05:00

If I'm not careful, this entry could get a little wonky, I mean who really wants to go too deep into my mind! But there are a lot of things on my mind lately.
There are the typical household worries, like income and being able to pay for the bills. There are employment worries, like whether or not I can afford to be off for 4 weeks... (maybe with the assistance of EI). There's the whole house selling thing, waiting as patiently as possible for the buyer to come along!
And after all that starts the thought pattern of relationships, current, past, and future. The thoughts of my interpersonal skills, and where things have gone wrong in the past. And then there's knowing that I must pick up the phone and make a certain call.
Here comes the daydreaming now, all the scenarios (good and bad) that I can think of play in my mind. Some in vivid detail others not. And dreaming at night, typical extensions of the day time fantasy land.
Yep, lots on my mind. It could be worse, and I'm not getting down over any of it.

all-star fan balloting

2008-11-21T20:07:00.005-05:00

documentation and other things you probably don't like

2008-11-11T21:31:00.004-05:00

Lets face it, most people do not like documentation. Taking notes, summarizing things, and ordering them is not a task that is overly enjoyable to most.
Just like my greenhouse job, not for most people, but good thing I am not most people. You guessed it, I like doing documentation. Its kinda fun to research things and compile notes, learning a lot along the way. It helps to develop good memory and observational skills, its good for my brain.
I document all kinds of things, depending on what I am working on. Right now its a personal but potential business project, and it has me reading about the history of inventory management. Just when you thought documentation couldn't get worse, reading about inventory management, supply chain management, and supply and demand; it's enough to push someone over the edge.
How is it possible that I also find the subject as interesting as documenting it!? I'm a geek, I'm a nerd. Its okay, when someone calls themselves those things they are terms of endearment. Its okay that I enjoy these things that are somewhat abnormal to enjoy. Things that many people would find mundane and tedious are almost the opposite for me. I am who I am. Someone has to do these tasks anyway, so it might as well be someone who doesn't dread the very thought of it.
I like that I enjoy tasks that most people don't. For starters, not many people are doing them, which often means I can work on them solo - very ideal for me! But when there is a team effort, having these tasks taken care of by an eager person rather than someone who feels they are a chore just makes the project/work go that much smoother. (Not that I am speaking from real experiences, this is more of an idealism. History has shown me that my helpfulness and eagerness are not always appreciated, I must learn to alter my approach...).
When it comes to tasks like these, I think of that old adage (my Mom used to say it too) "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." In other words, make the best of every situation. If you have to do something, might as well make it as enjoyable as possible! Grumbling about it certainly won't make it any better (trust me, I have also done my fair share of grumbling too!)

can't make it happen before it's supposed to

2008-11-08T13:16:00.004-05:00

I had this pretty cool opportunity to do something... well, something AWESOME. It doesn't even matter what the awesome thing was, because it is not something that is actually going to happen.
Why? The opportunity was flawed.

It was MY opportunity, not OURS. It was most likely completely unrealistic of me to think it could have happened, and unfair of me to even have suggested/requested it of my 'other half.'
If there was any US in the opportunity, the other was another guy! Don't go reading into it, it would have been a platonic thing, however, still the very thought of that to a husband is indeed scarier than I gave credit to.
If the tables were turned, I would not have been okay with it. Realistically, there probably wouldn't be anything my husband could say that would make me feel comfortable with him being out with another woman, no matter the circumstances, and I just asked him to be okay with it for me. (I am thinking the word hypocrite may apply here!?) I was blinded by my selfish excitement at this opportunity that I didn't stop and think about it. I would have come to this conclusion before even starting down the path, instead of at midnight the night before it was to happen!
It is supposed to be OUR opportunity. There are some basic plans for my husband and I to explore this opportunity together. Its not something that can happen for us right now, but something that is likely achievable in the not too distant future. I am feeling like a heel for thinking that it would be okay for me not to wait for us to do it together.

So the choice or decision was made, and as stated previously, its not happening... just yet. But I do look forward to the day when it can happen, when the circumstances are right. And won't that make the experience all the more better anyway?

now we just 'live'

2008-11-02T20:18:00.004-05:00

It has been a bit of a strange week. Last Sunday night I was still doing odds and ends and cleaning in preparation for the realtor and her photographer to come and take pictures so our house listing. Monday was also a whirlwind, because I worked until 1PM (as usual) and then still a couple odds and ends before they arrived. They came, pictures taken, some things moved around, lots of activity.
Then it hit. Monday night there was "nothing" to do. Its very strange, because for a couple months it was always go-go-go, more stuff to get done. Taking a break almost made me feel guilty, cause there was work to be done. But now its done!
Okay, there have been 4 showings of the house so far, so for the last bit before we leave there is that 'rush' through the house to ensure tidiness, but now that the house is listed, keeping tidy is part of every day living! Its even hard to start some other projects that I might normally do in my spare time, because some of those would make a mess, or at least not be things that are over and done with in 1 evening, and I can't have things laying out.
Its a bit hard for me, and us, and our personality types to have "nothing" to do. But, its still easy to have the evening gone in a flash! For me, between reading blogs, working on my own entries (many of which never seem to get posted, ugh!), chatting with friends and many other things, the time passes relatively well. For Jeff its programming. Soon I hope we are back to work on a project together, maybe not a construction one (I could do without all the clean up for now), but hopefully a programming one. The game we were working on, for example, would be nice!
But all in all... things are good! Been out of the house some, because of the people looking at it) which as put us together doing different activities, including a lot of hiking. Good conversation, exercise, enjoying nature, what's not to love about that!?!

changes

2008-10-25T16:35:00.003-04:00

We have done so much work around this place over the last couple months. Its hard to believe some of the things we accomplished! Many of the projects were fun, and some of them provided some reward and a sense of pride. However, its hard to enjoy it all as a whole when so much around here has too much negativity attached to it.
So rather than having all those projects done for US and our quality of living, those projects have turned into a resale enhancer - we are selling!

meticulousa enjoymenta

2008-10-15T20:02:00.006-04:00

Simply, I love my job!

Many people would think my job is boring, mundane, non-challenging. Good thing I am not like most people. I rather enjoy my job. It suits my personality. My job allows and perhaps even requires me to be meticulously thorough. My OCD is thanking this job!

My daily assortment of repeated tasks are great. First, I get immediate results, and I enjoy the instant gratification that it provides (kind of like how I feel when I mow the lawn, you look back and see obvious results!). Second, like I said, I get paid to be meticulous. I have to take necessary time to look at each plant, to inspect it for bugs, slugs and other gross stuff. I have to take the time to trim them back, and sort them according to size (basically - is it shippable? will it be soon? is it in bad shape? does it look pretty much dead?... sometimes I have 3 or 4 different flats on the go for sorting!) I LOVE IT. I have an absurd love for sorting and organizing, and I am happy when I can achieve such.

Oh, and my favorite plant out of all the hundreds of varieties? That would be the Sedum Kamtschaticum var. Floriferum its just kinda cool, and a cool name taboot.

And speaking of names, I suppose my blog title might need some explanation... think about it!!! but if you still need clarification, feel free to add a comment.

the choice

2008-10-09T18:33:00.003-04:00

Today I kinda feel like I am at a crossroads. I feel that I need to make a choice. An ultimatum is here, though not that anyone specifically or even indirectly gave me one, its just something that I feel.

I feel that I need to choose between two worlds. There is me, the me that is tangible, alive and well. There is me, the me that is virtual, alive and well. I'm talking about facebook, msn, and others, vs me in real life. Its not that I am a different me in terms of my values and *who* I am, its just that they are kind of two different aspects of me.

In real life I have interests that I don't really pursue too actively, and I don't really have anyone to pursue them with. Online is nice because I can find people who have similar interests and I don't feel like I have to subject the people in my real life to things they are not interested in.

However, it really does create a division, and its awkward at best. At what point do I agree that the virtual me has become an idol...?

hockey night in canada* for dummies**

2008-09-28T21:07:00.014-04:00

Hockey Night in Canada *

a fan's perspective on the NHL, though i don't claim to know much about hockey!

* prolly need some sort of trademark symbol or something, as this is the name of a show!
** and guessing those book people want credit too for the "for dummies" saying, so here you are.

Anyway, I'm not really talking about the show itself, rather the "act" of hockey night in Canada. Its hockey night pretty much every night right now, preseason is in full swing. (Preseason games are also known as exhibition games). The preseason games really don't mean anything towards points or standings for the regular season, however, they give the teams a perspective of one another, a chance to feel each other out (literally when there is checking and fighting!) before the regular season starts.

You see every year there are trades, and contract changes, then there are new players from the farm teams, and basically everything you knew about a team last year is out the window, as they are basically new again. Preseason is an re-introduction to one another.

Regular season starts on Sat, Oct 3 with 2 games in other countries - Prague, CZ and Stockholm, SE (hmm, I wonder if overall ticket prices went up to cover the costs of all these overseas games, another blog entry perhaps!) Here everything matters. Each move, each shot on goal, each penalty, each goal, each win. Points are awarded, overall standings develop, and the season continues until spring, with teams from the Eastern Conference (you guessed it, teams from the Eastern half of North America) battle it out with each other, while the teams from the Western Conference do the same.

Then the heat rises, as if the season wasn't intense enough. The feeling and the passion of the game... The desire for each player to win, not just to beat the other team, but to beat themselves, their previous all-time best. The numerous hours of practicing put to the test, and their ability to react, to respond, to adapt, to PLAY is shown. Hockey for me is a sport of great skill combined with pure raw instinct. Borrowing a line from the book "The Power of One" by Bryce Courtenay - "First with the head, then with the heart." (though the sport of choice in the book was boxing, I believe the WILL to win, is as important as the skill, though the WILL does no good without the necessary skills to back it up.)

Yes, the heat is on, because now we are into playoffs. The 8 best teams in terms of overall points from each conference play against each other in best-of-seven game series'. These 8 teams don't meet by random, the best teams play the worst teams: 1st vs 8th, 2nd vs 7th, 3rd vs 6th and 4th vs 5th - so there are four games in each conference going on. After the first round, 4 teams are eliminated, and the rounds continue until ultimately we are left with only the best team from the East and West, who will play another best-of-seven series for the coveted Stanley Cup.

And for the 2008-2009 season, here at the final round of the year, we shall see my Habs (from the East) go up against the West, who? I am not sure, but Detroit again would be a decent call. If I thought the heat was intense watching my boys kick butt during regular season, and into the playoffs, during these final rounds I will be at the edge of my seat, biting my nails, hoping to bring that cup to Montreal.

GO HABS GO!
Happy 100th!

Please, no walk of shame this year, KEEP YOUR PUCK ON THE ICE!
(Thanks RED/GREEN)

NHL.com - For all you need to know about hockey!

"not if you called it a stink plant"

2008-09-26T22:06:00.006-04:00

The title of my blog tonight comes from an episode of The Simpsons. The dialogue was something along the lines of Lisa (or maybe it was Marge?) quoting a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. To which Bart replies, "not if you call it a stink plant."

No, I am not blogging about The Simpsons, though their satirical humor does provide a lot in the way of blog topics! No, today's entry is about music.

I really enjoy music. I like many different genres, but 85 to 90 percent of the time, its rock and roll, or harder. Some people think my music is bad. It seems that electric guitars and drums are pretty much evil (unless plugged into the "holy" outlets in a church sanctuary - there these inanimate objects are suddenly transformed into instruments of worship, magic!)

Granted, some of the lyrics of some of my music are interesting or questionable, but they often make me think. I reflect on them, and can identify with the feelings the artists are trying to represent. I can relate to the situations, to the emotion, to the angst.

On the flip side, there are other genres that, because of the way they sound, are seemingly less evil. They have fun tunes, upbeat, or as I like to call happy-go-lucky. But they only *sound* that way... When you listen to the words, they are no better (if not worse) then my evil rock songs. That is where this blog title comes into play. Telling someone to "F-Off" to a happy-go-lucky tune isn't any less mean than to the beat of drums and hiss of the electric guitar.

Shall we think of some of these lyrics, you may be surprised to see which genre they come from!

"Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored."
"Big dog tryin to get a little kitty to purr."
"Believe in me, sometimes the weak become the strong."
"All you perpetrators be walkin' round frontin', What?, you fakers afraid to stand for somethin'?"
"If there's a fear in me, its not showing."
"I wish I could shut my playboy mouth."
"And if you can take the pain, And you can withstand anything, and one day stand hand in hand with the truth."
"I'm falling down, but I'll rise above this."
"The giant keeps on telling me time and time again 'boy, you'll never win! You'll never win'."

Faint - Linkin Park, ROCK
Dangerous - Kardinal Offishall, POP/HIP-HOP
Believe - Staind, ROCK
Puppet - Thousand Foot Krutch, CHRISTIAN ROCK
Its Not My Time - Three Doors Down, ROCK
Just Dance - Lady GaGa, POP
Amen - Kid Rock, ROCK
Rise Above This - Seether, ROCK
Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns, CHRISTIAN ROCK

I could go on. I could also choose other rock lyrics that don't shed such a positive light on them, just as I am sure there are pop songs that are not all about sex. However, my point is that if you really stop and listen to the lyrics of a song (LISTEN, not hear) and reflect on them, I am guessing you will find a bit more meaning and depth to a rock song than to a pop one. Even some of the worst, like Hells Bells by AC/DC isn't all it appears to be, and if you reflect on those evil lyrics, you might be surprised at what they might be getting at!

Its like judging a book by its cover... Don't judge my music by its sound, because even outside of the church sanctuary the electric guitar doesn't have to be evil!

For full lyrics to all of these songs and more, try AZ Lyrics, I find they are one of the easiest to use, and most complete.

i am the inevitable

2008-09-23T21:50:00.008-04:00

"Perhaps the future is predetermined by the character of those who shape it."

The other day while watching an episode of Stargate Atlantis, I heard this quote...

In the show there were 2 characters discussing whether or not the future was predetermined or "what we make it." I have often had those very questions. This quote is quite interesting to me. In its simplicity it says so much - it suggests that who we are today (our morals, ethics, values, and most importantly, our actions) can in a sense, alter the future. Its the interesting concept that the future is both predetermined and what we make it...

Its hard for me to truly articulate what I *feel* about this quote. But at the least I wanted to share it with others, and wonder, does this quote *do* anything for you?

cup o' ...

2008-09-17T21:24:00.005-04:00

So many great things come in a cup these days. Coffee (well, its probably always come in a cup, tea too) and Peanut Butter (way to go Reese's) . But the thing I'm liking the most lately is CHEESECAKE.

I didn't think they would taste so good, and they are pretty expensive - I think I can make an entire cheesecake for the price of these little cups - however, I am considering them to be a treat, and will refrain from having 2 in one night!

'Rain, if you are reading this, either COME TO CANADIA to get some, or look for it in your stores... by a company called BellaberrY. Just look at this, YUM:

And I love how the French is listed first on the label - parlez vous français?

NOTE: I am not responsible for content (or lack thereof) for sites that I provide links to.

its always a matter of perspective

2008-09-14T20:47:00.005-04:00

... the setting is this... two people having a conversation, call them PersonA and PersonB.

PersonA says: "Its just a [insert worldly possession here], it can be replaced."

To which PersonB replies: "That's easy for you to say."

This is a significant conversation to blog about. I know the details seem vague, but the details are not of importance. Its significant because, as the blog title indicates, its a matter of perspective. Whether or not a worldly possession is easily replaced depends on many things.

1. The 'Replacer'
It depends a lot on the person. A person's financial stability or lack there of will often dictate whether a possession can be replaced. For someone with financial security, a statement like the one PersonA said is pretty easy to make! This decision isn't even always dependent on the value of the possession - people have different levels of financial security, so something really expensive to one, could be considered cheap to another. A response like that of PersonB could lead one to believe they are not of the same level of security as such an apparent brash statement-maker like PersonA.

2. The 'Replacee'
The item itself is sometimes not replaceable, for some obvious reasons: one of a kind, homemade, etc... This dependency is pretty self explanatory.
But taking this a little farther... Some items, regardless of value, worth, or uniqueness, have value in another way - sentimental value. This is a bit of a tricky one, because we all *know* that sentiments are in our minds, they are something we hold close to us, and are technically not related to an inanimate worldly possession. However, the possession, like a photograph, is a trigger to that memory, like a snapshot. Having sentimental attachment to an object is virtually the same instinct as taking a photo of a "kodak moment." PersonA's comments seem to also indicate they have no sentiment associate with the possession while PersonB's reply could indicate they do.

So, this conversation that was overheard, what was it about? Was it about the cost of replacing the item, and whether or not it was easier for PersonA than for PersonB? Or, was it about the sentimental attachment to the item that PersonB had and PersonA didn't?

Both actually.

PersonA was thinking of this possession from strictly a cost perspective, and yes, due to their financial security, made the statement with firmament that the possession is replaceable.

PersonB thought of the sentimental attachment they had to this item, completely ignoring whether or not they could financially replace it (which they could, though not as easily as PersonB).

What I find most interesting about this conversation is that niether of them were at all comprehending or even acknowledging each other's perspectives!

goodbye - but i said hello instead

2008-09-06T09:44:00.006-04:00

I wasn't going to blog about this, but I am going to. For a couple reasons, and actually the least of which is that it is nice to rant and rave in my blog!

I stopped by my former place of employment. It was kinda a whim, I was in the area. I didn't go past the main lobby at first (I no longer assumed I was free to roam about, regardless of the nature of the environment) and I was even whispering so very few would know I was there. I felt very out of place in that building.

But then some people came around the corner and were so happy to see me. People missed me. People made the difference. I ended up going past that front lobby area and roaming about (accompanied at all times, cause I try to be proper, and certainly don't want to do anything that could be somehow in some way used against me).

Uh oh, prolly too late!

While I was sitting in the lobby waiting, a person came through. This was 1 of 3 people that I specifically wanted to avoid at all costs. I had nothing, absolutely NOTHING to say to any of them. I admitted readily that it was my own bitterness that caused me to feel this way. I *knew* exactly what was going to happen with this particular person...

But someone told me it wouldn't happen, that the 3 would be more mature and respectful than to even talk to me! I disagreed, and commended my friend on her faith in humanity, cause mine was not so bold. Its very unfortunate that I was right.

Here's the scene. I am sitting there, magazine in hand. Another former colleague (who I happen to like a lot) was chatting with me. The 1 of 3 came through and saw me. This person did some interesting yet awkward bending down while turning around motion, reminded me of an ostrich actually (if you know who I am talking about, I am guessing you can picture it in your head). Then it came. The *smile* and the very *sweet* "Oh, HI Jessica! How are you???" [end smile here]

Wow. As prepared as I tried to be, I still felt an overwhelming sense of annoyance. I soooo wanted her to prove me wrong, that she wasn't going to be as audacious as to pretend that everything was forgotten, and to pretend that she didn't play a role in the things that have happened, a BIG role.

I soooo wanted this representative of the church, a specific denomination, to be bigger than that. I expected this member, employee, consultant, praise team leader and elder to realize that those kind of behaviors are actually frowned upon not encouraged! I question this choice of church leadership, for two main reasons:

1. The Bible also questions it.
1 Corinthians 11:10 states "For this reason... women ought to have a sign of authority on her head." and more so 1 Timothy 2:11-12 "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or have authority over a man, she must be silent."
Before all you women's rights activists go crazy on me, think of the source! These are not my words, rather the words of God that He gave us in this handy little book called The Holy Bible. How can you or I or anyone question these words? Women in the world, the secular world, the general society, now have "equal rights" (though by the time we reach the glass ceiling we still have our windex bottle in hand to clean the damn thing, women's lib movement did NOTHING to help me be a wife in this world!). Just because of that, we now need to push that movement into the church?
I understand that all throughout history Christianity has struggled to be in the world but not of it. However, when there is no clear direction from the highest leadership of the church to uphold the Word of God, what is one simple member to do? How can the church allow women to be in authority over man when the Bible clearly instructs against it?

2. The Bible also questions it.
Regardless of the "gender issue" the Bible would still question this choice in leader. 1 Timothy 3 talks about the qualities needed to be an overseer or deacon. Things like above reproach, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable... Must be able to manage his own family. Verse 5 specifically asks "If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?"
This particular person in my opinion (bordering on judgement, but I leave that to God, obviously!) is not above reproach, self-controlled, hospitable or respectable. To me, their behavior is despicable, abhorrent, and I loathe the thought of this person being part of the running of anything, let alone a church.
But Timothy also talks about family. As verse 5 suggests, I believe that single people should not be leaders of the church, and probably not even someone who is "just" part of a couple. A church leader should have a family!

I am still disappointed that this person didn't prove me wrong. I got what I expected, because I expected very little of this person. My brother was right, lowering expectations usually means you get what you expect! I just wish it was more satisfying.

So, at the end of the 10 seconds of seething, I managed to mutter a civil one word response to the ridiculous and disrespectful exuberant display.

"hello"

when all I wanted to say was "goodbye"

zen for christians

2008-09-05T21:14:00.006-04:00

I've been reading about Zen.

Well, it actually started with reading this article and its comments about multitasking. Interesting how one led to the other...

But Zen. You can look it up and spend some time reading about, I'd say its well worth the reading. In the meantime I am going to summarize a few points.

Zen emphasizes experimental wisdom
Zen de-emphasizes both theoretical knowledge and the study of religious texts in favor of direct experimental realization
Zen is a 'way' which concentrates on direct experience rather than on rational creeds or revealed scriptures

So what does Zen have to do with being a Christian, and how do I feel they are somehow related? Maybe more so, I think that Christians could use a little more Zen in their lives.

Experimental Wisdom/Realization, Direct Experience - Zen talks about doing and experiencing rather than reading and imagining. As Christians we spend time reading the Bible, and don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting we stop. However, how much time to we spend just *being* in God's creation?

I know of these people, not Christians, who travel quite a distance, packed in a large van, from the city out to the rural area. They do physical labor, don't get paid too well, and are not treated the best. Ask them why they do it - they will tell you, to be with "this" and they kinda do that pointing/shrugging things with their hands up... I think you get the idea, they are referring to everything around them. They work in the fields, with plants, and they LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

To me, that is Zen.

I think Jesus knew Zen. I think he led by example, sure he spoke, but it was his deeds that awed. We are encouraged to explore this earth, and examine it. Its the basis behind science!

I remember a line I heard in a movie, you can question the movie and its suggestions, but one line, a supposed quote from Jesus himself... "lift a stone and find me, break a branch I am there."

Zen for Christians? Zen for me.

what about nobodys?

2008-08-31T20:57:00.003-04:00

I heard this anti-drunk driving commercial on the radio, and I have a bit of a beef with it. What could possibly be wrong with such a commercial? The overall message, DON'T DRINK and DRIVE - nope, nothing wrong with that.

Its the fact that the message couldn't stop there. For some reason we need all these incentives, all these reasons not to. Okay, here is my list.

It's stupid. I don't use that word often, so I will actually apologize if it offends you.

Okay, not much of a list, only 1 good reason I can think of! But the radio commercial included a few more reasons, here are some of them.

You could hurt (or worse) a mother with small children in her car.
You could hurt (or worse) someone on their way home to a family that relies on them.
You could hurt (or worse)... insert some other person of value here

I question these. Not that these people in any way deserve to be hit by a drunk driver, but what about the people that don't have the same value or worth that is implied by this list? What about the nobodys?

What about the guy who just lost his job, on his way home to a house the bank just foreclosed on, a guy with no family, no friends. He does not seem to be cherished by anyone. Why is he not included as an incentive?

I understand that people need these incentives, because logic and reason on their own are not enough to impact them when they choose to get behind the wheel after one or more too many. I understand that the potential of taking away something that is cherished by another can be a powerful incentive, but I have trouble with the whole thing still...

I have trouble that there is some apparent arbitrary assignment of worth. Implications seem to be there that some lives are just more valuable than others. Maybe I am just reading too much into it...

disclaimer

2008-08-29T07:39:00.002-04:00

I have a number of blogs in my reader, not as many as some, but still enough. They range from serious to funny, from friends to strangers...

A few friends have what I call PERSONAL blogs, like this one of mine. But these people, like I used to, work for an organization. In order to eliminate any confusion between a work-related blog and a personal one, these friends feel the need to put a DISCLAIMER on their personal blog.

Please be advised that this blog is the personal blog of so and so and is in no way affiliated with X organization...

I'm sorry, and pardon the language, but NO SHIT! To me, these silly disclaimers say a lot about the potential readers. Its happened to me personally as well, on assbook of all places. Someone read something I wrote, and told me that as a "representative of X organization, I shouldn't write things like that."

First of all, they are my personal feelings and I have a right to have and share them. Rather than lecture me on what I should or should not do, did it occur to these people to try and HELP? Did they ask what is wrong and what they could possibly do for me? NOPE, not even in the slightest. All I can hope is that in addition to their open and public rebuke, that in secret they would pray about it.

Secondly, who I am at work and who I am at home are not always identical. Typically I can be a little more open, a little more "ME" at home, because the close people who surround me understand me and love me for who I am. At work, there are all kinds of people, and very few would be people I would choose to have in my life. They are not so understanding and loving of the things that make me me. In fact, many people "out there" think there is something "wrong" with me and that significant changes are needed, so I am quite reserved, and share little about myself.

And lastly, since when are we not allowed to share what is on our hearts and minds? Especially with Christians? This whole thing of having to warn people that you are not perfect irritates me almost to no end. These lecturers, these people who read my blog and think I am the devil reincarnated... I ask them, where is your mirror? How can you be sure you got that log out of your eyes before addressing my specs, logs, or even the entire forest in my eyes?!?

The last time I started to read something that offended me, do you know what I did? I STOPPED READING IT! And the last time I read an entire thing that offended me, do you know what I did? I contacted that person and had an open and healthy discussion about it! Try it, it works!

... but the pastor said so!

2008-08-26T06:51:00.003-04:00

I came across this YouTube video from a blog I regularly read. Now, I really could care less about US (or Canadian for that matter) politics, but I do care about church politics...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eUkc9GCMEQ

Wow, this is pretty pathetic. At first it also makes me laugh, but then it pretty much makes me sick.

In the original blog entry there is a line "sell us on the idea that ministers have enough intelligence to make us take what they say or recommend seriously." Is this ever true -- that the average pew sitter believes at face value what their "trained and ordained" ministry person tells them! Of course I have found some flaws in that, and I promise not to even include any of my personal anecdotes of things that have "happened" to me!

Flaw # 1 - Pastors are humans, relatively incapable of objectivity...
First of all, they are forgetting that this person, often male, is a human being, full of flaws and imperfections like the rest of us (don't get me wrong, I have my proper respect for the "dominee", however, I do not believe that everything he says goes!) As much as we would like to believe its not true, that pastor/theologian telling you things still has A LOT of potential to say and do damaging things. They are not off limits when it comes to accountability to Christ, and as their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, we are the ones to hold them accountable! I believe that the pastor is my brother/sister in Christ FIRST, and my pastor second. Why do I make this distinction? Again, the accountability factor - we have obligations to each other, to hold and restore each other to right relationships with God, REGARDLESS of our worldly human positions and status. No one has more or less right than the next person, even though our earthly minds very often tell us so. What is GOD saying? That each person on earth has equal potential of being close or far from God!
(And don't even get me started about the fact that some of these pastors are more like wolves in sheep clothing, acting out their personal agendas and calling it church business, or worse, good ministry!)

Flaw #2 - Who's the boss?
Second, in what world does the pastor also adopt the role of CEO for the church? The members of the church technically employ the pastor, so when it comes to the "business" of the church, sure the pastor should be involved, but in control? NO! Why bring this up here? Because that is what we seem to be allowing our pastors to have - full control over every aspect of the church. Maybe its me, or maybe its just cause my last name is French, but it seems to me that we've got it all backwards!
But to be a bit more realistic, I don't think that we should ever be in a position where one person or one "side" has total control. The best way to run a church would be for everyone to actually work together for the greater good of God, and not just trying to satisfy what we think our own needs are. But we are human, and virtually incapable of being that objective!

Flaw #3 - I am cynical
So, this isn't really a flaw with the topic so much as a flaw with me. Will I ever trust another pastor? I know that I must, I am supposed to forgive. I am supposed to give a second chance. I am supposed to not allow these things to affect my spirituality. But they do, because I am also human. They do, because I have yet to see proper accountability of most church leadership. To be honest, this whole video, this whole topic is exactly what I find WRONG with the church.

I have my faith, all you denominations can keep your politics.

just getter dun

2008-08-21T22:17:00.002-04:00

This is the motto of late, just get things done! There are so many projects, its hard to know where to start. We've tried some different methods of determining a starting place - mostly models and ideas that work (somewhat) only in the business world.

But this is life. And life projects done together should be yes, about getting things done, but more importantly, about enjoying things while you do them! Enjoy working alongside someone!

So, rather than apply all these corporate business ideas, lets approach it from a life point of view... Categories/Ratings in priority as follows:

Is it absolutely necessary?
Is it fun?
Is it somewhat necessary?
Is it somewhat fun?
Is it boring?
Is it unnecessary?

By applying these 6 questions (seems silly to ask #6) we've found that its not only a single choice, the key is combining them. Some absolutely necessary tasks might also be the most boring - but you have to do them, so have some kind of fun! Its not always easy, especially when racing against the clock that is the sunset, but it can be done.

I try to be a bit of a comedian, when things don't quite go right (after getting a sense of the "mood") I might throw in some kinda joke about the best way to learn is to do it over and over. Sometimes I get a laugh, sometimes not, but the key is trying!

My sister once told me to follow everything up with a positive - so that's what I'm trying to do in every situation, even right in the middle of things. Its overall affect seems to be positive, so I will keep it up!

... no, i shouldn't

2008-08-08T21:02:00.003-04:00

Continuing the topic of whether or not I should write that letter to the HR people where I used to work. This blog title indicates my decision.

There are a number of people out there who feel I should. You know, whether I should or shouldn't is irrelevant at this point because the decision is made, I am NOT going to. There are reasons, and perhaps laziness is also one of them. For some of those reasons, you can read the comments on my previous post, but the gist of it is - I honestly have bigger and more important things in my life to concern myself with.

This piece of history, recent history, still has me somewhat bitter (no 'Rain, I do not think my lack of sending that email to HR denies me any right to be bitter... do I have any right to be bitter anyway???). I am bitter mostly because of the actions that were taken. Period. Whether or not anyone tries to right it now, I still have a hard time comprehending how any of this happened in the first place!

I need to let go. I need to move on. And in true Jessica fashion, stealing lyrics from Staind, I need to "let some of this anger fade..." And so, from this point forward, I will move on from that period in my life. Not to say it will be forgotten - I have learned a few valuable lessons - but it will no longer be something that is part of my present or future! This makes me happiest of all - complete and utter closure.

Goodbye "denomination X."

should i bother?

2008-08-03T14:17:00.002-04:00

I got a response from the organization I used to work for. Apparently getting all perspectives of a situation is always a good idea. Hmmm. So, its up to me if I send something or not.
I kinda new that already. Was thinking there might be some hint at addressing the part where I said I've been ignored before, or the part where I said their systems seemed to have failed me. No hint at all. So that is why I wonder if I should bother.

Anyway, typing right now is not so easy, as my left index finger is injured! LMAO, an incident with the pruning shears, in my OWN gardens, not even at work, where I used them all day. My oh my...

is it over? or has it just begun?

2008-07-25T20:31:00.002-04:00

I sent an email today to the director of human resources at the organization I worked for. No matter how I try and word this, it will prolly seem like I am harboring on things, or at least unable to move on. Harboring is not the right word, and for once I have not gone looking through the thesaurus for the right one. I am just going to attempt to describe it myself.
I believe in God, and in Jesus, and I believe that without what they are and what they have done, I would not exist, and have no hope of existing. I believe that people who claim this faith have a duty and responsibility to act a certain way - to treat others well, as you would like to be treated. It seems simple, and reality is never as easy as these little adages we learned as children.
Reality introduces all sorts of factors into a situation, and alters behaviors and perceptions. People are these factors. People who say one thing and do another. Hypocrites, but not even quite that. I am talking about something a bit more fundamental. If you ARE what you say you are, then your behavior follows suit - so if you are a believer, a Christian, or as some might say a "Bible-Thumper" then chances are you *know* you are supposed to try your best and be a good person. And when you are not, you are supposed to admit that, and try and do something about it.
I am not saying I am in any way perfect, but I do feel that in a lot of situations I seem to be the only one who recognizes my flaws and tries to do something about it. Yes, I have said before, and will again that no matter what the other person does or doesn't do about their actions, I will take 100% responsibility for mine - which is only 50% of the problem! However, I can do that, and still work hard at getting the other 50% addressed too!
So, that is why I emailed the HR person. I asked a simple question - is there any point in me pursuing any discussion (cause last time you guys just brushed me off)... we will see if there is a response.

Ending on a POSITIVE. Still loving my new outdoor/greenhouse job - killer tan, funny kids, smelly dog, and hilarious grandparents that do a great job of BURNING their grand kids! GO GRANDMA!

sum of its parts

2008-07-17T22:56:00.004-04:00

Washing machine, part 2...

I blogged about my washing machine, and the cost of fixing it vs the cost of purchasing it, and how I somehow doubt that its original cost is actually its value! I am taking a shortcut here, and literally copy-pasting an article I wrote for another purpose. It applies, and I don't think you have to read between the lines too far - especially if you check out the story of stuff.

I often reflect on what technology has done for us. It has provided us with a means to do more. We can communicate more quickly than we can with most other forms; we can share files; we can get information.

Consequently there are other “mores” that we get, those that we don’t enjoy. Ironically, we get more communication, more files, more information. This translates into more of our time being spent using technology, the same technology that was designed and created to save us time.

Let's look a bit more closely at the "more" … More time, more resources, and even more paper. Yes, we are now able to produce things faster than ever before, but to what end? With information at our fingertips, almost at the ease of a button, why are we still printing so many documents?

We spend hours online--social networks, research, games, shopping. US e-commerce spending reached $34.7 billion by the third quarter of 2007. What are we buying—things to make our lives “better?”

With so much time spent online, with this influx of stimulation, and with the time spent earning an income to pay for them, it’s hard to find the time to use our things; Soon they become out of date and obsolete (whether actual or perceived obsolescence). We dispose, and buy more.

We’re a culture of disposable goods, disposable incomes, and possibly disposable values. We are disposing at a phenomenal rate. In six months' time, 99 percent of your current purchases will have been consumed, used, and disposed.

We talk of recycling, composting, and other "earth-friendly" practices (don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we should give up on those) but these only have a slight impact on our overall consumption. The average factory produces 70 times the waste that we do.

[ Want the facts? http://www.storyofstuff.com/pdfs/annie_leonard_facts.pdf
or watch the video: http://www.storyofstuff.com/index.html ]

What can we do? How do we get back to the point where this all started, the point of using technology to aid humanity, and not using it to destroy ourselves? We start now. It sounds simple, and in reality it’s not so simple, but it truly has to start with a different attitude.

We need to think of less as being more. Less intrusion into our time, the time we are meant to spend on other things – Our relationships with people, for example. We need to want less, do less, use less, and in doing so, we might find that what remains is so much more than we might have expected.

and we're back on super high-speed spin!

2008-07-14T22:53:00.003-04:00

I am partially talking about the washing machine. It was fixed today! No new front-load machine, but that is okay, this bill was a little better on the pocket book.

But still, I have to rant about this. It cost me almost $250 to repair my $450 washer that is 10 years old. I hope I get another 6 years out of it based on that ratio!

Furthermore, I'm still not grasping the whole thing. How can the complete machine, with all those parts, all that handling, labor, shipping, etc, be only 50% more than the cost of replacing ONE PART? I understand many of the factors: the company that makes the washer orders parts by the thousands, not onesies/twosies; they manufacture and assemble a lot of it by robotic and other computerized equipment; and they have the capacity to make better deals. Besides, I'm guessing their real labor costs aren't 90 bucks an hour!

Even taking that into consideration, if you add up the sum of its parts, the washer is worth more than its original cost. What does that say to all those along that production line and their wages? What does that say about me as a consumer? I want my good deals, but what is the real cost of those good deals? I'm saving that for another day... (and yes, I know I have a couple other entries with a similar line of a follow up post needed, I will get to it!)

I am still happy to have a working washing machine again! And very grateful to wonderful neighbors who offered me the use of their machine without hesitation, I don't even need to knock to enter their house! Wow, never thought I would have good neighbors.

partially clean clothes just won't do

2008-07-11T16:17:00.002-04:00

Right in the middle of a load, my washing machine stopped working. I hate it when things like that happen! The machine is over 10 years old, so its not like I didn't get my money's worth, but I'm still not ready to spend the money to replace it just yet - a service technician is coming on Monday to take a look.

In the meantime, its nice being on friendly terms with the neighbors, as my clothes are now in their washer. Which reminds me, I need to go get them soon.

privileged?

2008-07-08T18:39:00.005-04:00

Saw this meme on my friend's blog, its about privilege. (It's based on an exercise developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Indiana State University that was originally found on this Yahoo group around class on college campuses.)

Father went to college
Father finished college
Mother went to college
Mother finished college
Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.
Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
Were read children's books by a parent
Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs*
Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs*
Went to a private high school
Went to summer camp
Had a private tutor before you turned 18
Family vacations involved staying at hotels
Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
There was original art in your house when you were a child
Had a phone in your room before you turned 18
You and your family lived in a single family house
Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
You had your own room as a child
Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
Had your own TV in your room in High School
Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
Went on a cruise with your family
Went on more than one cruise with your family
Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

I'm pretty sure this means I was not a privileged child... None of these questions seemingly imply anything to do with race, only class?

'give a little bit more than you have to give'

2008-07-02T16:44:00.002-04:00

I think this is the first time that I have actually used lyrics as a blog title! Thanks Kid Rock and your song "Amen." From the album "Rock n Roll Jesus" 2007.

What does it mean to "give a little bit more than you have to give?" I immediately look at it two ways, first "have to" give meaning - what I am required to. Give more than required. I also see it as "have" to give... More than you physically have... Now that seems impossible on the surface.

I feel that in certain circumstances in my life, and in certain relationships that I have indeed given more than I really had in the first place. There are all kinds of relationship analogies, like the bank account one, where each person needs to withdraw and deposit equally in order to maintain proper balance.

What happens when there is no balance? I think eventually it wobbles out of control, and might even get to a point where it cannot be repaired, a point where no amount of deposits are going to bring that balance where it needs to be.

I guess I struggle with the whole idea, because how the heck do you know what the balance is supposed to be? And how can you tell things are off balance when they happen little by little and you never seem to receive a handy account statement in the mail.

Like any bank account with significant negative balances, the whole idea scares me, and rightly so...

Oh, and I'm "supposed" to follow this up with something positive, so if you got something in this situation that's positive, I'll take it!!!

a comment overheard... now what could it mean?

2008-06-22T20:28:00.004-04:00

I have been indirectly inspired by my friend 'Rain to pay attention to life with a slightly different ear, and to see things with a slightly different eye. Is there really as much racism in this world as she has been noticing?

Of course me being me, I needed to start at the beginning, so I looked up the definition of racism. Don't get me wrong, I *know* what racism is, but how specifically is it defined?

American Heritage Dictionary defines is as:
rac·ism (rā'sĭz'əm) n.
1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.
2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

So based on this definition, in order to be a racist person to make a racist comment, there needs to be at least an air of superiority involved, and typically something derogatory. A racist person/comment would restrict someone from something because of their race, or at least want to.

Point #1 - Sometimes a comment is just a comment...
Not all seemingly racist comments are in fact racist. You make an observation about something, and say it out loud... The observation is an instinctual reaction to something, and based on experiences, either learned first hand, or taught by elders (parents, teachers, etc) you come to some conclusion.
Often these comments and conclusions are deemed as racist, and I feel its because we are tuned into it. I understand the need to be aware, and I certainly agree with methods for prevention; however, I sometimes wonder if it is possible to be "too" aware. Can't a comment just be that?
One should also look at it from the perspective of the comment itself and how it relates to the definition of racism. If the comment is not in any way an implication of superiority, then it doesn't necessarily fit the definition of a racial comment. Is it possible that the comment was made for another purpose? Do we even bother to take the time to reflect on that side of it anymore? Why are we so quick to assume a potentially benign comment is anything but?

Point #2 - Sometimes a person is just a person...
Not all all the people making racial comments are racist. Sometimes people just don't even know they are making a racial comment. See point number one - sometimes they just learn things and assume that those are the way things are. Maybe its racist behavior, but how much can one be held responsible for their ignorance? If you have only ever known things to be one way, and something different comes along, its natural to make an observation of it.
Its not a whole lot different from observing abnormal weather, like a balmy +18 c sunny January day, in Canada - its not expected, and its all people talk about! (Just like the significant below average temperatures we are having lately). Is the only difference that the weather doesn't hear our comments and therefore has no potential to be insulted, or worse, by them?
I certainly agree there are a lot of racist people out there making racist comments, on purpose. People who most definitely know better and cannot fake any ignorance. However, sometimes you are racist by mistake almost. You are educated and you go into the world with that education, assessing the world with these standards...
Again, look at the definition. Can you be sure this person is implying some superiority? If this person is a complete stranger, its probably hard to tell, however, my mom used to tell me to give people benefit of the doubt (easier said than done, I know). But if you know this person, you probably already have an idea where they stand.

There is so much more I could say. I think its important to have racial awareness. I do not accept racism, I do not think we should stand for it. I am in no way trying to indicate otherwise. In fashion that has become typical for me, I just have a desire to present another way of looking at things.

Its easy to make assumptions, and in this day and age, in the culture and society we live in, especially in North America, its too easy to err on the side of caution, or worse - to assume the worst! I wonder how much of that has to do what we project of ourselves into the assumptions... If we took a close look at ourselves, is it possible our own ideals are affecting our observances of others - um YES, hello?!? we are human, and that is one of our flaws, the inability to be completely objective (see flaw #2 from this post).

I challenge this - the next time you (or I) hear something that we assume is a racial comment, ask if its possible its something else. I did this with a comment I overheard recently, and in all honesty, I consider it to be completely harmless.

And, whether its racist or not... have we forgotten to look at any situation as an opportunity? I guess because its late and this post is already long enough, that I will save the rest of that thought for another post!

nhl draft

2008-06-21T12:20:00.014-04:00

I am faithfully keeping up with the latest reports from the 2008 NHL drafts, but I am not entirely sure what it all means! Oh well, I am doing my best.

I used to have someone to help me with this stuff... hmm.

Anyway, to keep up with it all, you can go to the NHL website, or for specific HABS related, here's the summary:

Habs 2008 draft picks
25. Traded to Calgary for Alex Tanguay
56. RW - Danny Kritso - USA (U-18)
86. RW - Steve Quailer - Sioux City (USHL)
116. G - Jason Missiaen - Peterborough (OHL)
138. F - Maxim Trunev - Cherepovets 2 (Russia)
206. F - Patrick Johnson - Lincoln (USHL)

all out of options?

2008-06-20T11:16:00.002-04:00

I have been dealing with something that I have never blogged about... Its something that I will not be going into any great detail on either...

But I needed to write this down, somewhere, and my blog is as good a place as any I suppose!

I feel that my life is just one drama after another, or several simultaneous ones and when one drama finishes, the others that were there, just slightly hidden, now come to the surface and seem pretty serious!

I'm posing this question - what do you do when you feel you are out of options? What if you have tried everything you feel you possibly could, and still could not make something "happen" or "work..." Sure, when I was blogging about my day job, I had same problem: seemingly out of options. That solution was somewhat simple, walk away.

But not everything is so easy...

To quote Linkin Park "sometimes solutions aren't so simple... sometimes goodbye's the only way."
"Shadow of the Day" from the album Minutes to Midnight 2007

if the shoe fits

2008-06-13T23:02:00.004-04:00

Ohhhh they sure fit! Got new shoes again, I'm stoked! Need to go to a graduation next week, and have a "cute" dress. Didn't have shoes to go with it, so I found a pair.

More exciting than the pair of shoes, which I'm pretty happy about, I got to spend time with a great friend. She is in town from Nicaragua, and it was awesome to be able to spend time with her. I am glad she is in my life, I appreciate who she is and what she has to offer the world. She is a great person and her passion is inspiring!

Oh, and again, here's to the shoes, thanks for your help!

drip, drip, drip... no more!

2008-06-10T21:15:00.008-04:00

I'm super happy because the plumbing leak is fixed! What an awesome job this particular person did. I took pictures just to prove it!
Its unfortunate they needed fixing in the first place, as back in August we needed to re-route a couple lines when we got our water softener and UV filter... The person who did that plumbing used compression fittings, and I watched over and over as they over tightened them without listening, seriously, I bought like 10 of them, and went to the hardware store too many times.
Anyway, one of the fittings finally gave way and we had a drip, a little one at first, a normal pail took a day or two to fill. Then spring came, and I needed the outdoor hose, that pressure created problems and the leak got bigger, finally up to almost 2 buckets a day!
So, its fixed... Mr Handy-Man, also known as my husband, did the work! AWESOME!

(with the exception of a bit of burnt wood, you can see it in the first pic, thats funny)

it gets better and better

2008-06-06T09:44:00.000-04:00

Maybe I shouldn't be so happy about leaving my job, but as each day goes on I feel even better and better. I do not regret the decision in any way.

So, what are my plans from here, not really sure. I am enjoying some time of relaxation and decompression. There was a lot to unload, but seems to be disappearing naturally without any effort, so that is good, just taking a bit of time.

I am also glad because I am getting some "stuff" done around the house, and I like that. Its a nice feeling to KNOW you have accomplished something at the end of the day.

2008 Stanley Cup Winners

2008-06-04T22:54:00.004-04:00

GO DETROIT!!!

If my Habs couldn't make it all the way, I am happy that the Detroit Red Wings took home the cup in a 3-2 win over the Pittsburgh Penguins in game six of the series.

It was a great game, pretty intense, especially near the end. I know of many friends who will be sad, and some who prolly think I am a bit of a traitor, going for a team from the Western Conference when my loyalties should lie in the East, but also because Crosby is a fellow Maritimer.

But, I've always been partial to Detroit. And I am super stoked to see them win their 4th cup in 11 years.

a beast of a machine

2008-06-02T21:17:00.002-04:00

I am very happy that the push mower is working. Its a beast of a machine, so finicky. It is a miserable task to try and get it started.

But, I did it, I managed to start it, several times!

I am pretty happy about that, in case you didn't notice. It was nice to be outside most of the day, mowing, other yard work. Best part, I don't really remember thinking about anything during those hours of walking behind "the beast." Its great!

I am so "at peace." (to use terminology that a lot of others are using - asking me, are you "at peace" with your decision... why yes, YES I AM).

Here's to a great day.

Lawn Mower image courtesy of Wikipedia.

time is on my side

2008-05-30T12:28:00.004-04:00

Haven't blogged for awhile... this is pretty significant news...

Yesterday I resigned, effective at that moment.

Now I have all this free time on my hands! YAY!

Seriously, we will be okay, and I will look for another job. Not the end of the world, in fact, it feels pretty good because now I can focus on the more important things in life. So many other things have 'suffered' lately because of the stuff at work, quite frankly, its not worth it.

Sorry if that seems rude, or uncaring, its just the way it is.

one word answers

2008-05-24T09:56:00.003-04:00

'Rain did this in her blog and then tagged me... I love these!!!

One Word
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think!

1. Where is your cell phone? unpurchased

2. Your significant other? office

3. Your hair? medium

4. Your mother? Heaven

5. Your father? moved!

6. Your favorite thing? sleep

7. Your dream last night? forgotten

8. Your favorite drink? coffee

9. Your dream/goal? undefined

10. The room you’re in? home

11. Your ex? dunno

12. Your fear? changing

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happier

14. Where were you last night? home

15. What you’re not? understood

16. Muffins? okay

17. One of your wish list items? stereo

18. Where you grew up? Lakeville

19. The last thing you did? laundry

20. What are you wearing? clothes

21. Your TV? livingroom

22. Your pets? outside

23. Your computer? adequate

24. Your life? decent

25. Your mood? mediocre

26. Missing someone? YES

27. Your car? rough

28. Something you’re not wearing? makeup

29. Favorite Store? Rona

30. Your summer? working

31. Like someone? yes

32. Your favorite color? purple

33. When is the last time you laughed? today

34. Do you cry a lot? NO

35. Who will/would re-post this? dunno

gotta change my focus

2008-05-20T18:31:00.005-04:00

Had a conversation with my sister today, one of the older, wiser sisters (okay, they ALL are! lol). Anyway, she asked me why I never blog about the positive.

Legitimately, I use this blog to write things down, and sort them out. I believe this is likely mostly only helpful to me, sorry readers, especially when I am cryptic. When things are going well, there usually isn't anything to work out. My sister saw this point, cool! :) love ya! But, I also see her point.

So, I need to change my focus, starting every moment of every day. I need to focus more on the good things. I am not saying to ignore the bad, they require their acknowledgment, but they do not need to be the focus. As I quoted Guns n' Roses yesterday, life is not always fair, but there's no point in being miserable all the time.

Well then, what to write about to ensure I include the positive... Hmmm, I'm seriously crazy about my new shoes, how female is that??? Here's a preview of them, what do you think? I just love them, and I think I look good in them! YAY!

resentment more adequately defines it...

2008-05-19T18:33:00.004-04:00

I looked up grievance - because I am writing one right now.

... a complaint or resentment, as against an unjust or unfair act: to have a grievance against someone.
Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

I certainly feel some resentment...

towards the people that have contributed towards this "notice of disciplinary action" that I have received
towards the process that did not take into account the discussions that happened regarding situations
towards the 'fact' that I have indirectly already filed my grievance that day - when I finally was able to speak and explain "my side" of things - and that NONE of what I said was taken into account
towards the 'fact' that ALL of what the "other side" has said was indeed represented
towards the 'fact' that even though I already explained this all, I now get to write it all down as part of a formal grievance process
towards step #1 of the grievance process that states: (after receiving grievance) The supervisor and employee will try to resolve the matter informally.

This last point I want to address for two reasons.

First - I already had informal conversations with my supervisor that have been either denied (also known as forgotten), or not taken into account. Hmmm.
Second - What is the point of going through a formal grievance process just for step 1 to be informal. Hmmm.

And in all this I believe I have given clear indication that I feel this is both unfair and unjust. But I must quote yet more lyrics... Today's winner - Guns n' Roses - Breakdown (Use Your Illusion II 1997)

"Remember in this game we call life, that no one said its fair."

just chasing my tail

2008-05-17T10:07:00.004-04:00

I'm thinking too this is just going to be a continuation of incoherence like my earlier post this week. I feel like I can't get anywhere. I make significant steps in one area, just to have something in another area completely blind-side me. And then the reverse happens. I communicate more, and articulate my feelings more - yes, still sharing (not sure why)... And I get even more grief because people don't know what to expect. Or worse, I make arrangements for something to happen a certain way at a certain time - then I do it. Then later I get a reaction from people that I did something so totally out there, and they act like there was no discussion.

Seriously, am I living three quarters of the time in my own fantasy ???

I am not imagining these conversations, I KNOW they happen, so why do others seem to react as they do? Sure, I accept that sometimes things are misunderstood, that sometimes there are different perceptions, sometimes I don't articulate myself well, and quite frankly, sometimes people aren't really listening. This is why its not always easy to be happy about the way some things turn out, because somehow, some way, someone gets 'hurt' by it. I'm not usually one to be overly happy about a thing that makes someone else so upset (at least outwardly happy, when my hockey team wins, I don't really mind being HAPPY on the inside that my friends' teams have lost!).

I guess what I am trying to say is that I make changes in my life so I can be happier, more pleasant, an all around better person. I am not vain, nor do I want to stroke my ego, but its very nice to feel good about myself, all aspects of myself! This is good. But why does everything good have to have a bad - why do these changes that are necessary in my life, suddenly be so burdensome to people around me - especially when some of those people, well one in particular, are the ones I am changing FOR!

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

way out there...

2008-05-13T21:19:00.003-04:00

Huh?
Seriously, I'm not even sure if this post is going to be completely cohesive, but I will do my best.
There has been so much going on lately, just one thing after another. I find myself wondering when I will just get the chance to live. I have been processing a lot of things, and its hard sometimes to stay focused on any one thing. I know that extended periods of time have elapsed and I have just been staring off into space - I know this because I've looked up and the screen saver has been on - ha ha.
I guess nothing has been processed well enough to be articulated yet. Waste of a post, nah... :)

I almost forgot - YES, the point of the post... sort of. I have taken a bit of time for myself, and its been good.

better seen than heard

2008-05-10T21:21:00.006-04:00

I've had to resort to listening to hockey online. Satellite down, rabbit ears just not quite picking up CBC clearly enough to make out the puck... All I can see in the midst of the fuzz is the players. I cannot see where the puck is so it kind of defeats the purpose, and the station keeps coming in and out.
So, I'm listening. Its not really that bad, cause I can do other things while listening, however, I'm still not familiar with all the players on these teams (Dallas playing at Detroit, I'm sure the Stars won't feel like *stars* after they lose tonight), so I have to refer to the team rosters... Oh well, I would not likely look up the rosters if I was actually watching the game. So I will recognize those as benefits.
But still, there is nothing better than watching hockey live, but if you can't watch it live, at least on a nice crisp clear signal... Silly snowy CBC, you don't really seem like "my" Canadian station, being so hard to tune in... Ironic.

And yes, I am still very much a HABS fan, but 6 of them are now playing in IIHF World Championships (obviously because they are no longer in the playoffs)... But if I had to choose Detroit or Dallas, its the Red Wings, no hesitation. If I had to choose between Pittsburgh or Philadelphia, its the Penguins... But I'm not 100% sure who I am choosing when the Penguins meet the Red Wings in the final, prolly Detroit... just because.

walk away or fight for it...

2008-05-09T18:44:00.005-04:00

I hate blogging about my "work" all the time... I try not to, but always something stupid and ridiculous going on. And it gets me aggravated, riled up, and the cynicism and sarcasm flow with ease. Trust me, this week I have come up with some good sarcastic comments, even I have laughed at myself, to the point of my sides hurting! Its great.
But, it really only *means* something to hear it in person, to hear the tone, see the facial expressions, and the actions! All the world's a stage my friends! I am past the point too where I'm going "deep" and not gonna answer the question someone posed - "what does all that sarcasm get you?" Okay, I will answer the ONE thing I FEEL like answering - gets me some GOOD LAUGHS, and who couldn't use a good laugh?!
And while writing this and listening to good tunes, knowing hockey is on tonight, thinking of all the other things in my life, and I'm not even gonna bother going into any details...
I will summarize to say that it seems I have a decision to make, that I feel there are only 2 options for (tho I'm SURE colleagues will disagree, quite frankly their input is not being sought on this). I have been given an ultimatum, either do something or face the consequences... If I "DO" it, then I know I get to keep my job. If I "DON'T" I could lose it. So, do I walk away - which is a very feasible and desirable option - or, do I stay? Hold on before you suggest "stay" because you might want an idea of what it will mean for me to stay...

Got your life jackets handy? I AM GOING TO ROCK THE BOAT, hope you can swim, cause this boat could capsize...

yay storage!

2008-05-06T19:49:00.002-04:00

Who new having an empty shed could be so exciting!

Its not the shed itself that is exciting, but the fact that it is empty, the fact that my father actually came last Saturday to empty it.

This after, the NOTE, the somewhat ultimatum I gave him on paper and left in his mailbox. But he showed up, and we helped him load his van, twice. It was kinda weird at first, but then it seemed to go pretty good, and ended well. That's good.

And now that the shed is empty, I could finally move my things in it! Big question remains - what to do with the 90 percent empty space because I own basically nothing!

new look

2008-05-06T19:40:00.005-04:00

Its been well over 6 months since I started my blog, so I can safely change the look. Here's the thing though, once you start, you can't stop.
I found a really cool template that I liked, but the ONE element I really wanted to change was being pulled from somewhere else and I couldn't. So I am trying this one. I'm liking the colors, though its pretty plain... Not sure, but we'll see how I feel about it after I blog once or twice.
I'm foreseeing hours spent on my blog look and feel - good things playoffs start up again on Thurs for hockey, it will be awhile before I make changes again...

the habs lost.... man that sucks

2008-05-03T21:54:00.012-04:00

My HABS, for those of you who don't know who the HABS are, shame on you, the Montreal Canadiens, NHL hockey team, are now done for the season. It saddens me. We entered the playoffs as the lead team in the Eastern conference, the most points, super hot. We had a tougher series against our rivals Boston than I thought we would, but pulled through and took that series in round 1 of the 2008 playoffs.
That is exactly what I expected tonight, for us to pull through. We were down 3-1 in the round 2 series against the Flyers (Philadelphia) - yah, I'm not giving you an easy link to their website, look them up... We were doing so well in the first period, and our all time favorite goalie, Price - who still ROCKS SO HARD by the way, made some super saves. But then things took a turn for the worse and we ended period 2 down one goal at 4-3. But a nice goal early in the third (thanks Andrei Kostitsyn!), and Price some WICKED saves, including stopping Briere on a breakaway, WAY TO GO Price, WE LOVE YOU.
But Philly scored, a tricky shot, and a tip in, Price didn't stand a chance. One minute to go, and I would have done it to, the coach pulled Price to the bench and six Habs on the ice. But the risk is there for a reason, the puck got away, and the Philly player made it first. In the empty net.

Worst part of it all - no, not having to take off my HABS jersey knowing it won't get worn again till next season... no, it was the WALK OF SHAME from my car to my house, after the ceremonial removal of the sweetest HABS flag from my car window.

Next year boys... your still my team!

seriously, i don't make this sh*t up!

2008-05-03T10:11:00.003-04:00

Occasionally I actually give a serious response to select people when they ask how things are going for me, and how its going since my father moved out, etc...
The serious response includes the latest tales of things that my father has, or has not, done; and they stand there dumbfounded. No, its not what happened on yesterday's episode of an afternoon soap opera, its not some fictional novel I have read recently.
As preposterous as it may seem, this is the reality right now. Its no longer hard for me to imagine, or surprising to me. With him, the only thing to expect is the unexpected, as cliché as that may sound.
So, because its so hard to comprehend, seems my group of select people who occasionally get a response just got smaller, and the occasional more exaggerated.

cliff jumper

2008-04-28T17:56:00.005-04:00

I'm on about that old adage - if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? Probably not, because the outcome is not so good... But rather than cliff jumping, if all my "friends" got some good sweet deal because of something they did (or didn't) do, would I? Maybe... If many colleagues seem to get away with "whatever," can I?

I'm not sure that I will test this theory any time soon, because I have never done something simply because I'm supposed to, or simply because everyone else is. I have NEVER been a cliff jumper.

But could I? Could I waste a good chunk of my day, stretch the reality to somehow make my waste of time work related, and do very little tangible work? Could I be so un-stewardly with the time and money entrusted to me? Could I then turn around and imply things about other people's work ethic?

I 'could' but should I? NO.

I 'could' but would I be able to sleep that night? NO.

I 'could' but is it right? NO.

So I won't. Its got nothing to do with the (dis) ability necessary to achieve such. It would be A LOT easier than actually trying to get through my mountain of work. Its a CHOICE. I choose NOT to.

You can have your cliff all to yourselves.

shrink this!

2008-04-25T10:20:00.004-04:00

I have blogged lots about how sharing your feelings does nothing but bite you in the ass... In the past week or so my real estate down there has remained in tact. But that has created another problem... Which is worse, bitten on the ass, or annoyed in the head!?!
I haven't really been talking to people, don't care much for people in general anyway, and now I get "oh, what's wrong" or "are you okay" or ...

somedays i just wanna be left alone! (ok, most days)

It seems too that when you share and then stop sharing that people make even MORE assumptions about you - see my post about "FAE"... So last week and even this week, the solution - as far as others in my "world" are concerned - is simple - ALL I NEED TO DO IS SEE A SHRINK!
Really???? Wow, its soooo easy to find a shrink. Its soooo easy to share with complete strangers and PAY for it. Its soooo easy to feel like you are crazy... (and apparently its easy to be sarcastic!). Its bad enough to refer to myself as "crazy" every now and again, but when you tell me to see a shrink because I suggest process changes at work, because our lack of organization and control is frustrating to me, it just pisses me off. And I see it as a cop out - all the organization's problems are because I need to see a shrink?!?

You know, the only thing SHRINKING is my capacity to care, my passion for change, and my desire to be here. SHRINK THIS, and hand me my pink slip.

Oh, and for all my friends, even though I am sure you have even better intentions than those in my "office" - please avoid this topic with me, and please DO NOT take the risk of referring me for counselling... I want to keep you as a friend, and right now its such a sore spot and I am so bitter!

maybe i should charge $300 an hour

2008-04-18T22:42:00.004-04:00

No, this is not an x-rated blog... ha ha...

I've been blogging lately about the flaws with feeling sharing, but also the problems with not addressing them either... I've been trying to get a point across - that when you tell someone something about yourself, some trait or behavior that is less than ideal, they then assume you are that way ALL OF THE TIME.

Thanks (again) 'Rain for finding this - gotta be my favorite new term, and when I use it I sound smart! And its kinda neat to know that what I am talking about is REAL.

Its a psychology term: Fundamental Attribution Error. Look it up!

i always said i feel like i have sandpaper eyes...

2008-04-17T08:40:00.004-04:00

So 'Rain blogged about this "book quiz" that she took. I am laughing my friggin butt off that she's the DICTIONARY... Full of words, but rarely used... LOL sorry 'Rain, couldn't help it!
I have never read this book that I am, perhaps I should take a closer look, but the description is pretty accurate of how I feel, with maybe the exception of the minions... not seeing them hangin around...

You're Dune!
by Frank Herbert

You have control over a great wealth of resources, but no one wants to let you have them. You've decided to try to defend yourself, but it may take eons before you really get back what you feel you deserve. Meanwhile you have a cult-like following of minions waiting for your life to progress. This would all be even more exciting if you could just get the sand out of your eyes.

Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

and somethings descends

2008-04-15T22:13:00.006-04:00

I got a piece of advice today from my brother. He is special to me in many ways, and after talking to him today I realized (confirmed, I already knew) that no matter what, he always respected me, he never had ridiculous expectations of me... its cool... I love my big bro! Anyway.... the advice!

if you want to get what you expect, lower your expectations

I found this to be interesting at first, wasn't sure what to think, but you no what, its true. It really is only fair to the vast majority of people - especially given things in my life, past and present. I am hard on people, mentioned that before, and hard on myself...

But could it be that simple, just expect less and end up getting more? Is that really all there is to it?

WOW! What have I been doing all along?

the flaws with habitual feeling-sharing

2008-04-13T00:01:00.005-04:00

I've read and been told many, many times that its good to share your feelings... There are lots of reasons why: it helps you release them so you can feel better, it helps other to understand you better, it helps you work out problems.
Um, not really, not really, not really....

Flaw #1 - sharing my feelings really doesn't make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse most of the time. First of all, I get frustrated with myself for being weak enough to have to share - normally that means someone has pushed for me to share, and that means I have worn it on my 'outside.' I'm normally strong enough to deal with things. Secondly, I don't usually get any enlightenment that helps me deal. Chances are if its a big enough thing that I'm talking about it, then I haven't found a solution... Its gotta be a complicated thing.

Flaw #2 - sharing my feelings doesn't really help other understand me. Understand what about me? My weaknesses? Its been my experience too many times that sharing feelings comes around to bite you in the ass. Shared once that sometimes I struggle with anger management (no shit, you been reading my blog?) and then when I have a bit of a problem with someone - "well YOU are the one with the self-admitted anger management problem" - yep, that's right, all my fault. Way to go "sharing" let's do it again sometime...

Flaw #3 - sharing my feelings rarely helps me figure them out. Most of the time after sharing, people don't really know what to say. Even if they have been through something similar, its never the same. Often their experience sharing only clouds the issues that I am trying to process. Sometimes the advice angers me, because its something soooo simple... Just do this, or just that... JUST YOU NEVER MIND... Likely I never wanted to share with you in the first place!

I have thought too that maybe my flaw finding ability is some defense mechanism... Don't let people really get to know me... But that's a bit of a cop-out then. I really do believe that there's often as much, if not more, harm that comes from sharing your feelings as there is good...

I don't know about you, but I would like to leave my ass in tact, no bite marks please.

[insert something here] need not apply

2008-04-12T08:45:00.002-04:00

Right from the beginning of this entry I can tell you what I am referring to with the [insert something here]. Insert your favorite stereotype, or discriminatory remark. Insert your personal ideals, rather than looking to who I really am, and make your decision.
Its about this blog entry that interested my friend 'Rain, and interested me... In summary, if you haven't the time to read it all - is that your potential hiring at a company/organization could be thwarted by what you write in your blog. I have read somewhere else too - many of our blogs, including my own, are more of a diary. I remember when I was a teenager, my diary had a lock, a secure hiding spot, and booby traps so I would know if someone even tried to look. Now I am an adult, better able to articulate my words (well, maybe NOT!) and here I pour these thoughts into typed words, that the whole world could see. I was curious, how easy is it to come across me... I guess you can google me to find out.
But still, and I am going to now refer back to 'my' flaw #2 in the theory of affirmative action - where I refer to human beings as being incapable of objectivity, and this flaw applies to virtually any theory you propose anywhere! Why do I bring this up now - because if a potential employer reads my blog, makes a judgment call on who I MUST be, because of it - then so be it.
Would I really want to work at an organization that is incapable of having an open discussion with ME? Would I really want to work with people who believe that my cryptic rantings really show true insight into my psyche?
I don't think so ...

no fury... as someone scorned

2008-04-09T22:20:00.009-04:00

I do know right from wrong. I understand what it means to make the right choice and the ramifications of many wrong choices. But I also know that sometimes you just need to deal with things... I am angry, again, still, with my father, and bitter about the past 3 or so years.
I know that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to manage my anger, and trust me, I have seen my share of the unhealthy, and participated in too much of it myself. But I am angry a lot lately... Little things become big, and if less is more, imagine how much more 'more' is...
I came up with the words fury and scorned. I feel that fury describes me, and my reactions, somewhat unrestrained, and certainly improperly focused - taking it out on the wrong people... But to be honest, I think I am doing a good job actually. I recognize when I have done something stupid - usually the act of yelling at another driver, an innocent by-stander... I cannot justify it, however, it can be easy to yell at someone who a) probably deserves it a little and b) you will never see again. But I also have to (and do) admit and confess when I have failed.
But scorned... This is a word that just slightly beat out forlorn, not my life in entirety, but forlorn - desolate, forsaken, in my relationship with my father... but that brought me to scorned - I feel that I am treated with complete and utter contempt. Am I that despicable in the eyes of my father and his wife?
Seriously, this is why I am still angry, bitter, begrudged, call it whatever you want... I feel that I have given him so much, the word I am using right now, probably in my 'fury,' is SACRIFICED... I have sacrificed about 3 years of my life for that man... Well, WE have... My husband is as much affected as I am. The worst part is that I also did it for my Mom, and I feel that his disdain towards me also extends to her - because she is the reason for it...
I am not bitter towards my Mom, or towards God for "taking her home." I am bitter towards my father that he is so pompous, stubborn and arrogant that he cannot see what he has done - he cannot see that the campfire HE started and left unattended has now become a fire raging almost out of control. Its flames burning, and its smoke choking and suffocating. It is painful.
But I am also a bit arrogant, and certainly stubborn. I am not crying over this. And eventually "i can let some of this anger fade" (thanks Staind).

"I only know that I can change, everything else just stays the same... so now I step out of the darkness that my life became 'cause - I just needed someone to talk to, you were just too busy with yourself. You were never there for me to express how I felt, I just stuffed it down. Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade, but it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made..."
~ "Fade" from the album "Break the Cycle" 2001

sliding further away

2008-04-07T18:53:00.002-04:00

So its been a few days that we've had the house to ourselves. There was all this garbage (in bags, at least) left in my laundry room. I took 3 bags to the road this morning (3 bag limit) and tonight I was cleaning up the rest. Actually, I almost grabbed a 4th bag, before remembering the limit...
When I was cleaning up I noticed something odd about this bag, something familiar about its contents. I opened the bag. No, he didn't...
Yes, dammit, yes, he did...
I couldn't believe it at first, and then I realized that it wasn't personal, because that would imply that he actually thought about someone. No, he is too "me-centric" for that. It was simply logical to him - he didn't need/want them, so therefore away they went. What were they?
My grandmother's slides, and A LOT of them...
Not his mother, but my mother's mother. I know it wasn't personal, but I am still having a hard time accepting that anyone could be so unthoughtful. Seriously, he emptied them from the cabinet they were in, neatly organized almost to perfection (compliments of Mom of course), he placed them into a garbage bag, and no where, I mean NO WHERE in any of that did a single thought cross his mind that maybe he shouldn't throw them out?
Nope, obviously not...

wow

2008-04-03T20:20:00.002-04:00

Its been a pretty insane week... My Dad is moved out. It was an interesting day on Tuesday, a bit of frustration earlier in the day, but I think it ended on a good note. My Dad made a couple nice gestures and acknowledgments, so that's rather impressive. I thought I would have been excited, and even planned to celebrate. Instead I felt rather sad.
And work has been so busy that basically every night I am doing an additional 3+ hours of work... Its nuts, and I am still not feeling like I am in any way ahead of the game on this stuff. (Partially not my fault, with other disruptions, revisions to "finalized" things for something that really didn't need changing...)
So I am going away for the weekend with my husband. Part of me feels that with work things I cannot afford to go away, but a bigger and better part of me realizes that my mental health (and possibly even my relationship to my husband) cannot afford for me not to go.
So, away and OFFLINE for the weekend... COOL!

departure is imminent

2008-03-30T14:30:00.001-04:00

I can almost see the end of this tunnel... Just two more days... Two more and they are out... Then this house is mine, my life is mine... How long have I been waiting for this!
Funniest, or saddest, part is that I haven't the slightest clue of what to do now that it's coming.

late night cryptic rantings

2008-03-27T22:06:00.005-04:00

So I am seriously laughing at myself and the cryptic-ness of my blog rantings. Funniest thing, even I have trouble figuring them out when I go back and read them later. I guess that proves their effectiveness in being seemingly "nothing" to the outsider.
And that sets the tone of this newest rant... Why is it important for this to seem like nothing? Okay, there are some obvious factors, like lack of security on the net... But I would be lying if I thought there wasn't more to it than that... I'm not saying I really know what its all about, and I am not even sure what steps I have taken to figure it out...
There's this song I like by Thousand Foot Krutch - Moment of the Day... a few of the lines:

"The hurt is washed away, still here I am, in the middle of it all, with heavy hands and I try sooo hard yah, to leave behind me, all the chains that bind me...
... I won't back down, won't turn my head around..."

campfire?

2008-03-25T22:08:00.004-04:00

So I think there is a bridge that might be on fire... This is a bridge between two people, a relationship bordering on destruction. It doesn't seem like it, because the fire is small.
Well, to be completely honest, there's actually two bridges, two relationships in my life that might be in a state of crisis, though I don't know how to process it all.
One relationship, well, its a bigger fire, and in all honesty its aroma is sweet, reminds me of a good campfire, with good people around to share. And smores... mmm smores. See this relationship means less to me, though it has existed as long as I have ever known. It has changed drastically over the past years, but the spiral has been out of control for the past few months... Likely the result of an opposing outside force that has altered the path of two entities that seemed to have co-existed just fine... until...
The other relationship, well, that's much more complicated... The fire is there, but so hidden, refusing to really allow itself to be shown. Every once in awhile there is a whiff... Its smell is putrid, nearly hell, but mixed in with that is still the reminder of something better... a good smell...
Okay, so maybe this is a bad metaphor... I'm not really sure what I am even trying to say (so why blog... ???)...
I'm torn... feeling somewhat ripped apart and its so hard to understand.

are you the pot or the kettle?

2008-03-25T21:55:00.006-04:00

Tonight I heard the following statement. Not just a statement, but an entire conversation starting and ending within that one sentence. And I ask the person who said it - are you the pot or the kettle, hypocrite?

"I just need to say that I didn't appreciate that little stunt you pulled last week it was juvenile and that is all I have to say about that."

That's it. Done.

i'll take your best shot

2008-03-21T20:00:00.008-04:00

This past week has to have been one of the most trying weeks I have ever lived through. I am not even sure my narrative will do justice to the feelings and the *aura* of the place...
Granted, I am not used to certain communal living, and even though there has always been someone downstairs, not once have they ever used my laundry machines. Yes, I am still hung up on that, not only because I couldn't do laundry last Sat, but EVERY night this week until Thurs someone was using them. How much laundry can one person have? I guess when your bath towel is the size of a bedspread, one towel must be one load.
What eats me the most is being so unwelcome in my own home, by someone who is NEW and in my opinion should be making every effort to fit in and make things comfortable. No compassion, no consideration, no sensitivity, certainly no respect.
Can you imagine being told you do not know your 'place', while you are standing IN YOUR OWN HOME, by someone who made it painfully and clearly obvious that they belonged, when quite frankly, you aren't convinced they do.
Can you imagine having someone wave their finger at you and tell you a thing or two about respect within moments of nearly destroying your property? AND, you are NOT a child, but a full grown adult, who deserves a little respect.
Can you imagine almost holding your breath each day, hoping a vehicle will pull out and never return... before its too late, and bridges are burned forever, relationships destroyed (yet again)...
Some of you can... In the meantime, I got through it (so far) so my response to that is:
bring it on baby... i'll take your best shot!

... take from one and give to another...

2008-03-17T17:01:00.005-04:00

So I started to get into a bit of a debate with a friend in her blog comments about an entry of hers, and then I thought, hey, I can rant and rave about this all I want in MY OWN blog! So here goes... inviting your comments 'Rain.
If you didn't guess it from my title, we were discussing affirmative action, though when I re-read her post I realized her entry was about more than just affirmative action, but lets leave the rest of that alone for now...
The gist of affirmative action is to promote access to education, employment, etc for 'certain designated groups.' Typically minorities and those historically discriminated against (or worse) for their ethnicity. I know that it's intentions are good - preventative, so employers/etc know they cannot take certain personal characteristics into account - race, creed, color... you memorized the list I'm sure. And you know, I even think its pretty good, IN THEORY, just like I think communism and utilitarianism are pretty good, in theory.
But the reality is, life isn't theory, and the best programs fall short, because of human nature, and the culture we lived in the past and the one we are living now. A culture of supremacy... Someone is always on top. In the family we call it the pecking order; at work the chain of command, or hierarchy; and in social networks, the 'class and color' factor. (Before you go accusing me of copping out, I am not saying that we should just ignore these things... I am just trying to point out some flaws I believe there are with affirmative action.)

Flaw #1 - Those who need to atone are not affected by this 'aa.' I believe (and there is 'proof') that throughout history technically every race has fallen victim to slavery at one point or another. (thanks to my 'little' bro for the wording) To me this shows that slavery and persecution exists no matter of color, so slavery isn't per say a racist act, but it is discrimination. Its CLASS discrimination. The rich over the poor. I do not believe (show me proof) that the rich people in today's society are really paying for the mistakes of rich people from yesterday?

Flaw #2 - Those who are to 'take' the affirmative action are, by nature, subjective human beings. We all bring our own set of personal beliefs/values wherever we go. This extends to reading resumes, interviewing candidates... So when this person sits across the table from someone they discriminate against, you really think 'aa' policies are going to change the way they feel, to direct them to make the "right" choice?

Flaw #3 - I consider affirmative action to be discrimination itself. Not just any, but government sanctioned racial discrimination. Let me point what 'aa' suggests - " 'you' are not capable, competent or worthy enough to receive this [job, education, etc] on your own merit, you should therefore receive it because your race has been and perhaps still is discriminated against." (I ask then, where is MY 'aa' as "my people" have been slaves too...) And IF (I am suggesting this is a very BIG IF) people are receiving opportunities without merit - what does that say to the person (racial majority or not) who has just "lost" even though the better candidate. (I believe this stems back to #2 as well - its not about actuals and facts, its about perceptions and feelings...)

Flaw #4 - I consider affirmative action to be all part of a bigger issue of being convicted for the crimes of another. Now I won't get into this one too much, because its several entries in itself... But, who is paying for whose sin? This is bigger than the first flaw, as this one can extend to the treatment of the Native Americans, to original sin... Hence why I don't want to get into it just yet...

All this because I woke up crabby and the first thing I did was read her blog... LOL

sunofa...

2008-03-16T21:35:00.003-04:00

You know I never thought I would start a blog entry with a swear, nor did I think I would refer to swearing at all... Not because I am some high and mighty person who doesn't swear, just that there must be better ways to describe what I feel...
But **** and **** and **** do pretty good for me right now... Still reeling from news that I received from someone close, annoyed with methods taken, frustrated with the closeness of it all... MUST IT BE IN MY **** FACE???
Sorry... had to... I really do feel a bit better now... I feel like everything is a loaded gun at the moment, especially my temper...
But, as my new favorite song from Seether says... "I'm fallin down, but I'll rise above this..."

this one's bugging me

2008-03-15T15:04:00.002-04:00

So you're gonna think, what's the big deal. Wish I could explain the whole story, trust me, you don't have time for that anyway...
Someone's using my washer and dryer... I know who, its not like there is a stranger in my house... Its just, well, its another unexpected thing, several to adjust to in the past couple days...
Stupid part - the knob on the dryer is broken, so there is a vice-grip attached so you can set it...

copying again

2008-03-14T16:15:00.002-04:00

Reading 'Rain's blog again I was directed to this hilarious article about new lanes for reckless drivers (though I think its a joke he he)... But my first reaction - they sound cool... Yeah baby, I wanna haul ass down the highway too!

current events

2008-03-14T16:03:00.002-04:00

Somewhere in the world today there is something amazing happening, or something sad, disturbing or pleasing... Everyone goes through things, changes to deal with, or a stalemate to accept.
We cannot control what life throws at us. I cannot always respect myself for the way I react to some of those things either. I feel like I am sitting in the middle of a cartoon devil and angel sitting on my shoulders...
Somewhere in the world today there is someone mourning a loved one all over again, while being happy when those left behind decide to move on...
Its a bit difficult for me to swallow...