2 out of 3 ain't bad

Its been just over 5 and a half years since my Mom passed away. I never knew that I would lose my father too.

No, he has not passed away, but he has moved on. He's moved on so much that he seems to have forgotten most of the life: family, friends, children, that he had while Mom was still alive.

Father's Day was a bit of a tough day, tougher than Mother's Day. You see, I have accepted that Mom is better off in heaven. Mind you there are still times that I grieve and miss her terribly, but I realize that she's still with me in spirit, and always in my heart.

Mom being gone because she's been taken home to heaven is a very good reason for someone to be gone. Dad being gone because he chooses to not be a part of my life is tougher. How do you grieve for someone who is still alive, and well (as far as I know...)

I couldn't call my Dad on Father's Day. I am not even 100% sure if I really wanted to, but even if I did, I had no way to call. He has moved to a new home, and has not provided me with his new contact information. I know I have done my diligence by ensuring he received my new address and phone number, but he has not returned the favor.

I try not to be bitter about the situation, but to me it feels as though I care a lot more than he does. Every now and again it takes its toll - on me. If he was a 'friend' or acquaintance I would have written him off already, but he's my Dad, and no matter what, I still love him. But I cannot continue to fret over the man, he has his life, and all I can do is hope that he is happy with it.

Besides... I have 2 other Dads (hubby's father and step-father) whom are reachable, and whom I have a better relationship with.

As they say... 2 out of 3 ain't bad!

the choice

Today I kinda feel like I am at a crossroads. I feel that I need to make a choice. An ultimatum is here, though not that anyone specifically or even indirectly gave me one, its just something that I feel.

I feel that I need to choose between two worlds. There is me, the me that is tangible, alive and well. There is me, the me that is virtual, alive and well. I'm talking about facebook, msn, and others, vs me in real life. Its not that I am a different me in terms of my values and *who* I am, its just that they are kind of two different aspects of me.

In real life I have interests that I don't really pursue too actively, and I don't really have anyone to pursue them with. Online is nice because I can find people who have similar interests and I don't feel like I have to subject the people in my real life to things they are not interested in.

However, it really does create a division, and its awkward at best. At what point do I agree that the virtual me has become an idol...?

walk away or fight for it...

I hate blogging about my "work" all the time... I try not to, but always something stupid and ridiculous going on. And it gets me aggravated, riled up, and the cynicism and sarcasm flow with ease. Trust me, this week I have come up with some good sarcastic comments, even I have laughed at myself, to the point of my sides hurting! Its great.
But, it really only *means* something to hear it in person, to hear the tone, see the facial expressions, and the actions! All the world's a stage my friends! I am past the point too where I'm going "deep" and not gonna answer the question someone posed - "what does all that sarcasm get you?" Okay, I will answer the ONE thing I FEEL like answering - gets me some GOOD LAUGHS, and who couldn't use a good laugh?!
And while writing this and listening to good tunes, knowing hockey is on tonight, thinking of all the other things in my life, and I'm not even gonna bother going into any details...
I will summarize to say that it seems I have a decision to make, that I feel there are only 2 options for (tho I'm SURE colleagues will disagree, quite frankly their input is not being sought on this). I have been given an ultimatum, either do something or face the consequences... If I "DO" it, then I know I get to keep my job. If I "DON'T" I could lose it. So, do I walk away - which is a very feasible and desirable option - or, do I stay? Hold on before you suggest "stay" because you might want an idea of what it will mean for me to stay...

Got your life jackets handy? I AM GOING TO ROCK THE BOAT, hope you can swim, cause this boat could capsize...

shrink this!

I have blogged lots about how sharing your feelings does nothing but bite you in the ass... In the past week or so my real estate down there has remained in tact. But that has created another problem... Which is worse, bitten on the ass, or annoyed in the head!?!
I haven't really been talking to people, don't care much for people in general anyway, and now I get "oh, what's wrong" or "are you okay" or ...

somedays i just wanna be left alone! (ok, most days)

It seems too that when you share and then stop sharing that people make even MORE assumptions about you - see my post about "FAE"... So last week and even this week, the solution - as far as others in my "world" are concerned - is simple - ALL I NEED TO DO IS SEE A SHRINK!
Really???? Wow, its soooo easy to find a shrink. Its soooo easy to share with complete strangers and PAY for it. Its soooo easy to feel like you are crazy... (and apparently its easy to be sarcastic!). Its bad enough to refer to myself as "crazy" every now and again, but when you tell me to see a shrink because I suggest process changes at work, because our lack of organization and control is frustrating to me, it just pisses me off. And I see it as a cop out - all the organization's problems are because I need to see a shrink?!?

You know, the only thing SHRINKING is my capacity to care, my passion for change, and my desire to be here. SHRINK THIS, and hand me my pink slip.

Oh, and for all my friends, even though I am sure you have even better intentions than those in my "office" - please avoid this topic with me, and please DO NOT take the risk of referring me for counselling... I want to keep you as a friend, and right now its such a sore spot and I am so bitter!

the flaws with habitual feeling-sharing

I've read and been told many, many times that its good to share your feelings... There are lots of reasons why: it helps you release them so you can feel better, it helps other to understand you better, it helps you work out problems.
Um, not really, not really, not really....

Flaw #1 - sharing my feelings really doesn't make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse most of the time. First of all, I get frustrated with myself for being weak enough to have to share - normally that means someone has pushed for me to share, and that means I have worn it on my 'outside.' I'm normally strong enough to deal with things. Secondly, I don't usually get any enlightenment that helps me deal. Chances are if its a big enough thing that I'm talking about it, then I haven't found a solution... Its gotta be a complicated thing.

Flaw #2 - sharing my feelings doesn't really help other understand me. Understand what about me? My weaknesses? Its been my experience too many times that sharing feelings comes around to bite you in the ass. Shared once that sometimes I struggle with anger management (no shit, you been reading my blog?) and then when I have a bit of a problem with someone - "well YOU are the one with the self-admitted anger management problem" - yep, that's right, all my fault. Way to go "sharing" let's do it again sometime...

Flaw #3 - sharing my feelings rarely helps me figure them out. Most of the time after sharing, people don't really know what to say. Even if they have been through something similar, its never the same. Often their experience sharing only clouds the issues that I am trying to process. Sometimes the advice angers me, because its something soooo simple... Just do this, or just that... JUST YOU NEVER MIND... Likely I never wanted to share with you in the first place!

I have thought too that maybe my flaw finding ability is some defense mechanism... Don't let people really get to know me... But that's a bit of a cop-out then. I really do believe that there's often as much, if not more, harm that comes from sharing your feelings as there is good...

I don't know about you, but I would like to leave my ass in tact, no bite marks please.

are you the pot or the kettle?

Tonight I heard the following statement. Not just a statement, but an entire conversation starting and ending within that one sentence. And I ask the person who said it - are you the pot or the kettle, hypocrite?

"I just need to say that I didn't appreciate that little stunt you pulled last week it was juvenile and that is all I have to say about that."

That's it. Done.

i'll take your best shot

This past week has to have been one of the most trying weeks I have ever lived through. I am not even sure my narrative will do justice to the feelings and the *aura* of the place...
Granted, I am not used to certain communal living, and even though there has always been someone downstairs, not once have they ever used my laundry machines. Yes, I am still hung up on that, not only because I couldn't do laundry last Sat, but EVERY night this week until Thurs someone was using them. How much laundry can one person have? I guess when your bath towel is the size of a bedspread, one towel must be one load.
What eats me the most is being so unwelcome in my own home, by someone who is NEW and in my opinion should be making every effort to fit in and make things comfortable. No compassion, no consideration, no sensitivity, certainly no respect.
Can you imagine being told you do not know your 'place', while you are standing IN YOUR OWN HOME, by someone who made it painfully and clearly obvious that they belonged, when quite frankly, you aren't convinced they do.
Can you imagine having someone wave their finger at you and tell you a thing or two about respect within moments of nearly destroying your property? AND, you are NOT a child, but a full grown adult, who deserves a little respect.
Can you imagine almost holding your breath each day, hoping a vehicle will pull out and never return... before its too late, and bridges are burned forever, relationships destroyed (yet again)...
Some of you can... In the meantime, I got through it (so far) so my response to that is:
bring it on baby... i'll take your best shot!

sunofa...

You know I never thought I would start a blog entry with a swear, nor did I think I would refer to swearing at all... Not because I am some high and mighty person who doesn't swear, just that there must be better ways to describe what I feel...
But **** and **** and **** do pretty good for me right now... Still reeling from news that I received from someone close, annoyed with methods taken, frustrated with the closeness of it all... MUST IT BE IN MY **** FACE???
Sorry... had to... I really do feel a bit better now... I feel like everything is a loaded gun at the moment, especially my temper...
But, as my new favorite song from Seether says... "I'm fallin down, but I'll rise above this..."

current events

Somewhere in the world today there is something amazing happening, or something sad, disturbing or pleasing... Everyone goes through things, changes to deal with, or a stalemate to accept.
We cannot control what life throws at us. I cannot always respect myself for the way I react to some of those things either. I feel like I am sitting in the middle of a cartoon devil and angel sitting on my shoulders...
Somewhere in the world today there is someone mourning a loved one all over again, while being happy when those left behind decide to move on...
Its a bit difficult for me to swallow...

if a tree falls?

Okay, not that bad...
But if you have something to say, something that you need to talk about - more for yourself than anyone else - but are afraid that no one will be able to just "hear" - why does everyone seem to "listen?"
This might sound rude, but I don't necessarily NEED you to understand me (which I believe is listening - having that level of comprehension)... Honestly, a simple, "yep, uh huh" will do sometimes (hearing me, but not really processing)...
I keep saying that I know there are parts of me - aspects of my personality that could be considered a bit toxic, especially combined with other personalities - that I need to work on; but, I am a bit of an echo on that too, repeating what I hear from some people... and not just any people - close people... I do want to work on some things, but just because there are SOME things, doesn't mean that A LOT about me needs to be under scrutiny...
So when I have a 'moment' (or a day, or even a week) can't you just HEAR me for once?

No, this is not supposed to be a repeat of my previous post, though I realize my MOMENT probably hasn't passed yet!

gimme my moment

The weekend is over... I could (probably should) start the week off with the right attitude. Call me childish, selfish, whatever, but sometimes I just wanna be bitter! I just want to be annoyed, and I want to deal with it when I am good and ready, not when someone else deems it appropriate.
So often I feel like I am not allowed to be something, because its not 'right.' Well, we are human beings, we are NOT 'right' all the time, sometimes we stumble, sometimes we just want to sit and stew in our misery, whether self-inflicted or not.
I know that I cannot indefinitely wallow in my self pity - that's not what I am getting at... its just... is it really so bad to wallow for just a little bit? Can't I have this moment of unsettledness, a relatively insignificant speck in time?
The other day I was pretty frustrated about something, and I was talking to someone who really understands me and knows me well - as well as anyone. I said something that was downright mean actually. A moment of weakness. Rather than support for my feelings, and a genuine desire to help me work through my frustration, I received a lecture on how to not say things like that. I'm sorry, but no shit...
Maybe what I am really mad at sometimes is the fact that its sooooo terrible to be mad, even for a moment... And rather than feeling that I get the empathy I seek, I feel even more ashamed, and left with more "things about me that I need to work on."

provocative

I mentioned that I have been reminiscing lately. I never expected the impact it would have on me. It goes beyond just feeling like a teenager again, but I don't know how to describe it. It's got me all messed up.
I chose the title because of the meaning of provoke, it does a much better job of describing how I am feeling than I can.
See also, vexing.

child's play

I'm really not liking going to work lately... I feel more like going to school, some grade school, mostly high school. With high school girls, behaving like only high school girls can...
With all the reminiscing I've been caught up with lately (hmmm...) I also feel more like I did in high school. That is not a good thing. I have come a long way from that person, and I wonder if I have the necessary coping mechanisms for this.
A line in a song (yes, its playing right now) is "it takes all there is of me." Seriously, its a lot of effort to contain myself sometimes. I am not saying that I am that close to the edge between okay and postal, however, I sometimes wonder if it was easier when I cared very little about people.
Yes I am aware that I already ranted about this... sort of. This is an extension of that. My way of sharing that its an ongoing thing. Part of me wants to act on EVERYTHING I yearn for, or at least just a few parts (whew! its hot in here)...
Okay, I am done. I am NOT going to be an enabler by becoming the victim. Woe is NOT me.

what does being a team player get you???

Sometimes... a big fat NOTHING! Okay, so I am frustrated, again or still, what else is new I suppose... I feel that I try so hard, and with so little to show for it. Sometimes this gets me down, more often it pisses me off. I am mad at myself, mad at others...
Who should I be mad at? God? Absolutely not. Even in these low moments, He loves me. Satan? Sure, some. Myself? Pretty much. But not so hard on myself.
I could lower some expectations and standards so the disappointment won't be as great. But, then I won't feel challenged and I'll get bored. I have to accept that there are some people that are just different from me - more likely its I am different than most people - anyway, and that what I see as failure is not, and that what I see as achievement is not... It comes back to that perception thingy...
I'm rambling and cryptic, I know... supposed to have something more meaningful to say... here goes.
My old definition of a team was this - I did all the work, quickly and with highest quality (okay, boasting a little, only with the gifts God gave me was I ever able to achieve this); the entire team got the credit, we all "won." Then things started to change: that wasn't real team work, because the entire team wasn't involved, included, engaged - they were not a part of it.
So now I do my work, and slightly extend that role to include gentle encouragement of my team mates. But it takes too long sometimes for things to get done. For my personality, for every facet (which is under transformation) of my being, this pains me, figuratively and physically. I have a hard time not seeing it as a failure - though no one else has ever really indicated it failed...
What am I getting at? I *feel* that more things got done the way I used to do things. But, I have to accept (and I am really trying to do so) that the end does not justify those means. Its about that touchy feely relationship building stuff... Oh boy!

all work and no play make Jessica go...

I think too much about work, and how annoying 'people' can be. Stuck in their ways, odd in their habits, off on their priorities. For people like me that is a little too much to take, especially when so many exhibit ALL of these characteristics...
Just today there was a discussion about how to provide materials to youth/young adults. The historic way is to mail papers, booklets, brochures, books, etc... I am sorry, but most people my age, let alone younger think that is a big waste... Waste of paper, postage, time! I am not alone when I say gimme it electonically!
Ideally I could go to a site and read up on stuff, or at least download. Granted for us some things just cannot go online for security reasons, fair enough... But if you are going to mail anything, can't you at least mail a CD or something? Or email an encryped file? Or have them download from a secure site? C'mon now.
I am slowly going crazy...

seriously, i'm not being a jack@$$

Is there something wrong when you write something to someone and at the end you have add that you are not being rude. I have been known to say "I don't mean to be rude, but..."
You know, I am working on those aspects of my personality. Learning to bite my tongue, choose my words carefully, walk away...
Just today there was a discussion going on in the lunch room. I walked in to get a coffee and a bunch of people were already in conversation. Right there I acknowledged that I was "not part of it." But I had to wait for coffee to finish brewing, so I was flipping through the newspaper... I could not help but over hear. I knew that my 'opinion' of the subject is highly controversial, and in my office, I am by far the minority with that stance... So I said nothing. I literally gulped. This conversation was something that I recognized as a trigger.
Then the 'prompt' came. Though I know in my heart that this person had the most honorable intentions, at the time I knew my perception of it was - why is she egging me on? She said to me "Jessica, keeping biting your tongue."
So I said, "I am, I'm doing pretty good. And in a moment I need to leave the room." And that's what I did.

History Repeats?

What is it about "people" that I just don't get? It seems I am easily frustrated these days. I find I easily make excuses then wonder what the heck that is all about... Comments easily spew from me, well, maybe not that easily, but certainly more freely than they should. I am aware of this, and understand it is a problem, I guess that it the first step, and the second is a nice hot bath reading my "Anger is a Choice" book.