northern zen

It's easy to be relaxed when you live in an environment that is mostly peaceful, an environment that is not in a rush, people like to take it easy. But even then, life can get busy. Balancing work, hobbies, play, visiting, etc... can be tough.

Lately we've been fortunate to do some visiting and to have people visit us. It is always nice to reconnect with family and friends. What is especially nice about many relationships that we have: maybe we don't always talk on the phone or see each other in person as much as we'd like, however, when we do get-together, we can pick up where we left off, like no time has passed. To me that is a relationship with love, one that is not strained by grudges and second-guessing, a relationship that is honest, and they are ones that are cherished.

Sometimes, however, I think of relationships that I do not have that at one time I did. I try not to have any regrets, but there's still a quiet longing for something that isn't there. Don't get me wrong, I understand there's only so much that I can do, and I will not dwell on what I do not have. Perhaps its the naive dreamer in me that hopes for things that are unlikely. I will not lose hope, but I will accept the way things are, and the way things will be.

Most of the time I am truly content. A state of comfort, a sense of well-being. I feel I belong, and I feel I am home. I enjoy life and I enjoy work. I have changed some since moving here to the north - I am calmer for one. I have learned to slow down and enjoy things, which is simple to achieve when virtually everyone around you is doing the same thing. In this state of mind, and in this place of living, its quite easy to see the good in things, easier to look on the bright side.

I feel blessed, and for that I am truly grateful.

2 out of 3 ain't bad

Its been just over 5 and a half years since my Mom passed away. I never knew that I would lose my father too.

No, he has not passed away, but he has moved on. He's moved on so much that he seems to have forgotten most of the life: family, friends, children, that he had while Mom was still alive.

Father's Day was a bit of a tough day, tougher than Mother's Day. You see, I have accepted that Mom is better off in heaven. Mind you there are still times that I grieve and miss her terribly, but I realize that she's still with me in spirit, and always in my heart.

Mom being gone because she's been taken home to heaven is a very good reason for someone to be gone. Dad being gone because he chooses to not be a part of my life is tougher. How do you grieve for someone who is still alive, and well (as far as I know...)

I couldn't call my Dad on Father's Day. I am not even 100% sure if I really wanted to, but even if I did, I had no way to call. He has moved to a new home, and has not provided me with his new contact information. I know I have done my diligence by ensuring he received my new address and phone number, but he has not returned the favor.

I try not to be bitter about the situation, but to me it feels as though I care a lot more than he does. Every now and again it takes its toll - on me. If he was a 'friend' or acquaintance I would have written him off already, but he's my Dad, and no matter what, I still love him. But I cannot continue to fret over the man, he has his life, and all I can do is hope that he is happy with it.

Besides... I have 2 other Dads (hubby's father and step-father) whom are reachable, and whom I have a better relationship with.

As they say... 2 out of 3 ain't bad!

life and death, work and play

Wow, what a busy week it has been, and a busier week on the horizon.

It all started a week ago Thursday when I interviewed for a part-time position. Its a "secretary" or administrative position, one that many people wouldn't deem very glamorous. My response to such a thought is that a secretary or administrative assistant is an integral and vital part of any organization, they are important. Besides, someone has to do all that stuff. I applied and interviewed for the job because I like doing that kind of stuff, and I am good at it.

The following morning I received a call that I was selected as their ideal candidate. They had already spoken to one of my references (left a message for a second, but hand't heard back yet) and were more than comfortable extending the offer to me. After some relatively brief discussions, I accepted. (Everything about it was acceptable, even the pay, which was more than I was expecting!)

So I started already this week. Even though it's only part time, it felt like a busier week. I think I got used to the 3.5 months of not working and having all the time in the world.

Next week we have plans for a trip, meetings for hubby, and visiting for me. I was hoping to get some things done over the weekend, and early next week... But something came up.

We mourn the loss of a loved one. Someone dear to hubby, and someone dear to close friends. Tomorrow we head for viewing, then Monday for the funeral. We pray that she is now with God, happy and healthy, and living in glory.

Sometimes things come up that change our plans. But everything happens in God's time. So a busy week just ended, and a busier week on the horizon. At least we are not idle!

year in review

It has been a pretty eventful and stressful year. But also a year filled with blessings, many of them unexpected and a couple of them quite sudden. Here are the highlights of 2009.

January

January was a tough month. I was temporarily laid off (seasonal work) and was expecting only part-time work when things resumed next door. Jeff had been doing some temping in December, but January brought along a halt to that. Jeff ended up taking a telemarketing job, certainly not his favorite and way out of his comfort zone. But we needed the money, and I am happy that he did what needed to be done for us. I started job searching, more for a second part-time job, but had applied to some full time jobs as well.

January also brought on the somewhat humiliated feeling of having to borrow money from someone. I wasn't sure if this person would do it, but they came through, and that was a blessed surprise.

There were a couple house showings in January, but no interest. January brought month 3 of the FOR SALE sign out front.

February

Jeff's telemarketing job continues and I am back to work part-time at the greenhouses next door. But things there are busier than expected, and full time work is available to me. However, in the meantime I had been interviewing and was offered a part-time job with more pay. Jeff and I worked some things out with our current employers, and we both ended up working two part time jobs which had us both at work 6 days a week. We "job-shared" at the greenhouse next door (Jeff there when I wasn't, and vice versa). It took a bit to get used to the schedule but more money was coming in.

Again a couple of showings, but no interest in the house. Month 4.

March

March was a better month. First, all our T4s and tax stuff was ready, so I filed taxes. Jeff got a nice chunk of money back, which allowed us to pay off 2/3 of the money we borrowed in January.

Both of us working, me liking my new job much better than Jeff likes his telemarketing one...

March was the end of our listing agreement on our house. We lowered the price, signed for another term, had an open house. Still no interest.

April

Things are running quite well with each working two jobs. More money was coming, bills were being paid, and some back log was being eaten away. We still weren't quite sure where we were going to get the rest of the money owed from what we borrowed in January.

A few house showings, and... no interest :( 6 months!

May

The Spring weather brought on more house showings. Some more detailed interest, and towards the end of the month we saw our first offer! It was a pretty good offer, but conditional on the other people selling their house. We also continued to have other showings, and would have entertained other offers if there were any.

May also brought us a new/renewed contract for a website we had designed and been maintaining for years. This overhaul came with a price, money up front, and the rest upon completion. The upfront money paid the rest of our "loan." And now we just had typical credit card and regular bills.

Work was going well, though Jeff was getting pretty tired of things at the call center, and who can blame him.

June

Well, Jeff finally had enough and decided to leave his telemarketing job. We had done the math and knew that financially we would just squeak by. Especially if our house sold soon, because we had that offer after all.

But the other people's house didn't sell, and they decided not to ask for an extension. So, no offer, back to the house being plain old for sale. We had some showings, and a new offer! Well, don't get too excited yet, it was a pitiful offer that we rejected.

Then the month turned from okay to worse... We were both laid off from our greenhouse job, and were replaced with students when they finished school for the summer. We were grateful to have the job while it lasted, and I will leave it at that.

July

Jeff begins some serious job hunting, and tries to keep busy. I still have my other part-time job and am still working 3 days a week, and its a job I love.

July brought a new offer! Again, this one was conditional on the people selling their house. But our agent was their agent, and we were kept up-to-date on how things were going with their house, and we continued to show ours.

One day at my work I noticed a job posting for "warehouse person" at another branch. I thought that it was something Jeff could do, and gave his info to that branch manager. Jeff was interviewed and was hired, and by the end of the month he had his first pay cheque. In the meantime he had interviewed and even tried out a few other things, but this warehouse job was the one that just worked for us.

The only downside was that Jeff had to get his car back on the road. It was an issue with the catalyst converter, plus he needed an oil change, some brake work,and an e-test. And we needed to renew the sticker. We still didn't have a lot of money up front. But we have retired mechanic friend down the street, and long story short, he and his son (a professional welder) repaired the damage for free! All Jeff had to do was the brakes, which was a struggle (and a long story in itself) but finally done.

August

Things were going well with both our jobs. I was enjoying my two days a week off and getting stuff done at home, and we settled into a routine. There was more money being earned then previously, so we were more comfortable and less stressed.

But the people who offered on our house, nope, their house didn't sell either, and they didn't ask for an extension. Our house was back to being regularly for sale... for a short term... The very next day we had a new offer! This one was conditional only on financing! It was a bit lower than we had hoped for, but still, this was the best overall offer yet! Remember that rejected pathetic offer I mentioned in June? Well, these were the same people with a reasonable offer. It took 5 days, they confirmed their financing, and YES!!!! Jeff and I put up the SOLD sign, a very happy moment indeed. And then the fun began, with just 6 weeks to pack up and move out! This was nearer to the end of the month, closing date Sept 30th (which would be 11 months from the day we initially put it up for sale).

A lot needed to happen in those 6 weeks, as our plan always was to relocate up north. Jobs were needed, and so was a home. Jeff spoke to someone about working from home (telecommuting) for an organization he helped to found. The assumption (based on past experiences) is that it would be a long process, and just hopefully he would be able to start close to our relocate date. The very next day, far less than 24 hours later he received a call and was offered a position! Talk about timing. He then had to resign from his current warehouse job, and in less than a week begin his new job.

The following weekend we made a 1 day trip to up north and looked at 6 apartments. By Monday afternoon we received the call that we got the one we wanted. Now all was left was for me to resign as well, which was tough, because I loved working there.

All of this, and still 1 week of August was left. I began job hunting and we began the process of sorting and packing.

September

What a busy month! I was still working 3 day a week til the end of the month. We sorted the house, I did most of the packing (which is okay, because I had the most time). We had 2 yard sales. We sold stuff on Kijiji and we gave stuff away on Freecycle. We made a trade with our neighbor, they would dispose of all our junk, and we would give them furniture that didn't sell.

Moving day came. No hiccups. It was a busy couple days. Load up on Wednesday, drive up north, Jeff drove the rental, I drove my car with the kitties. Spend night in motel. Unload on Thursday, then drive all the way back down south to return the rental truck. Then drive all the way back to our new home in Jeff's car.

October

The month started out with a whirlwind. The Thursday mentioned above where we unloaded then made the return trip was actually Oct 1st. The first week saw all the boxes unpacked (well, all that were going to be unpacked) and the entire apartment scrubbed from top to bottom. Everything was done in about 5 days.

Then we made a trip to see Jeff's family for Thanksgiving. It was a nice weekend, and such a short drive compared to when we used to do it from down south.

The rest of the month consisted of Jeff working, me job hunting, and trying to keep busy. I did a lot of baking that first month! We also dealt with Cogeco a couple more times than desired, but in the end got a new modem which has been flawless since.

We took advantage of the nice fall weather, explored trails, admired the colors, and saw some wildlife. Beautiful town!

November

Jeff continues to work away. The end of the month marked the end of his 3 month probationary contract, and we are happy to report that they didn't can him and he now has the standard 1 year contract.

I continued job hunting, and trying to stay busy. I scanned all 14 reels of my grandmother's slides, a daunting but rewarding task. I did some more baking. I cleaned twice a week. I made arrangements with the landlord for $100 off rent if I cleaned the common entry way. Boredom and a loss of purpose starts to set in, but I am not discouraged.

November was also the month where I did something very out of the ordinary - I set up the Christmas tree and decorated the house, and it wasn't even December yet! I don't know what I was thinking...

December

This was a month spent chasing kitty away from the Christmas tree. I did Christmas cards, more baking, more job searching, more walking, more trying to stay busy.

I tried, but failed, to see my sister. Failed because the car failed. Had to get some work done to it, and spent a bit of money, but not to bad when all things are considered. The following week was (a successful) second attempt to go see my sister, and it was a wonderful day.

I had a close call with my poor oak tree. :(

Christmas was quiet, with just Jeff and I and a 12lb turkey - lots of leftovers! Presents consisted of us shopping together. We both got some pants and sweaters, I got new winter boots, and Jeff got a new coat.

New Year's Eve will be spent with my sister, then off to see Jeff's family for a few days on New Year's Day. Holidays wrap up and end on my birthday!

See you next year!

lady picture show

I have been busy this past week with a project that is both fun and not-so-fun, both easy and daunting. Its all a matter of perspective of course...

Well over a year ago I blogged about my grandmother's slides that were so thoughtlessly discarded. For months I was both saddened and angered by that act, and chose to let the reels of slides sit in my closet. I had intended to scan them, someday...

But then we started some projects around the house, and things got busy. Oh well, I will get back to those slides, someday...

But then we put our house up for sale, and at any time there could be showings. Having projects strewn about was not possible, so I had to wait until the house sold, someday...

But it took 11 months from start to finish to sell our house, and the pile of slides just sat there, not being enjoyed, and worse, further degrading in terms of its medium (slides, negatives and photos don't last forever!) I needed to get to them, someday...

This week that day came! I realized that I need to do it now, while I have the time, and not wait for some other day. Its a big project, because there are a lot of slides! Most are nicely sorted into reels (11 of them, though some are only partially full) but there are also a bunch just loose in a bag.

In addition, there are more reels at my sister's house - ironically (or not so much) there were some reels that were not thrown away - the reels with "our" family, ones that my father must've thought meant something to him... (gonna stop that train of thought now, already expressed my frustration in that previous blog entry)...

And after the slides are done, come the box(es) of photographs...

But you know what? With all the bad aspects of doing this project (time consuming, etc), there are so many more good things - like seeing all these cool old photos, like reminiscing when I see a person or place that I have memories of, like knowing that eventually when the project is done that ALL of my family (immediate, extended, etc...) will be able to enjoy them too!

hiding... no, just re-prioritizing

So I haven't been on assbook, sorry facebook, so much lately, and hardly ever on MSN... Someone suggested to me that maybe I am hiding...
No, not hiding. I made a conscious decision to re-prioritize who and what gets my attention. This is the age of information overload. In fact, the average 16 year old makes more decisions in ONE DAY then say my grandfather did in an ENTIRE YEAR. There are so many things that can distract me from what is most important in life.
So, what are my priorities?

1. God - He has commanded us to obey, and that is what I am trying to do. Ironic though that in order to obey Him, I need His help to do it! And I ask for that, all the time.
2. Husband - Ultimately he is the one I will (and WANT) to spend the rest of my life with, but if I don't put my focus on him, I am sending the message that he is not important to me. Nothing could be further from the truth.
3. The rest of our family - Bottom line, family is meant to be there for each other. We might not always get along, but its important to keep those connections. No one said you have to be "best friends" with all your family, but if you can't count on them, who can you count on?
4. Friends - Hopefully none of our friends take offense that they are not #1 in my life, but keep in mind that #4 is only a close #4, and often some friends end up being closer than some family. Such is life. I am grateful for the friends (and family) that I can always count on.
5. Play - This would include watching TV or movies. And cause I am such a dork, computer geek stuff, and shoveling the driveway! (I like being outside, and the exercise is great).
6. Work - Even though for many it consumes more than 1/3 of the day, work is NOT the end all and be all of life. Work can be fun, work can be horrible, but providing for the necessities of life is well, necessary. (I am grateful that I LOVE MY JOB!)
7. Everything else - pretty much self-explanatory.

So far I think I am off to a good start for 2009. Each day presents something new, but with this attitude, I know I can get through anything. Besides, I never walk this world alone, as Jesus lives in my heart, and the Spirit is always here to guide me. I give praise to God for what I have. Sometimes its a struggle ... but God gives us what we need, not always what we want.

can't make it happen before it's supposed to

I had this pretty cool opportunity to do something... well, something AWESOME. It doesn't even matter what the awesome thing was, because it is not something that is actually going to happen.
Why? The opportunity was flawed.

1. It was MY opportunity, not OURS. It was most likely completely unrealistic of me to think it could have happened, and unfair of me to even have suggested/requested it of my 'other half.'
2. If there was any US in the opportunity, the other was another guy! Don't go reading into it, it would have been a platonic thing, however, still the very thought of that to a husband is indeed scarier than I gave credit to.
3. If the tables were turned, I would not have been okay with it. Realistically, there probably wouldn't be anything my husband could say that would make me feel comfortable with him being out with another woman, no matter the circumstances, and I just asked him to be okay with it for me. (I am thinking the word hypocrite may apply here!?) I was blinded by my selfish excitement at this opportunity that I didn't stop and think about it. I would have come to this conclusion before even starting down the path, instead of at midnight the night before it was to happen!
4. It is supposed to be OUR opportunity. There are some basic plans for my husband and I to explore this opportunity together. Its not something that can happen for us right now, but something that is likely achievable in the not too distant future. I am feeling like a heel for thinking that it would be okay for me not to wait for us to do it together.

So the choice or decision was made, and as stated previously, its not happening... just yet. But I do look forward to the day when it can happen, when the circumstances are right. And won't that make the experience all the more better anyway?

yay storage!

Who new having an empty shed could be so exciting!

Its not the shed itself that is exciting, but the fact that it is empty, the fact that my father actually came last Saturday to empty it.

This after, the NOTE, the somewhat ultimatum I gave him on paper and left in his mailbox. But he showed up, and we helped him load his van, twice. It was kinda weird at first, but then it seemed to go pretty good, and ended well. That's good.

And now that the shed is empty, I could finally move my things in it! Big question remains - what to do with the 90 percent empty space because I own basically nothing!

seriously, i don't make this sh*t up!

Occasionally I actually give a serious response to select people when they ask how things are going for me, and how its going since my father moved out, etc...
The serious response includes the latest tales of things that my father has, or has not, done; and they stand there dumbfounded. No, its not what happened on yesterday's episode of an afternoon soap opera, its not some fictional novel I have read recently.
As preposterous as it may seem, this is the reality right now. Its no longer hard for me to imagine, or surprising to me. With him, the only thing to expect is the unexpected, as cliché as that may sound.
So, because its so hard to comprehend, seems my group of select people who occasionally get a response just got smaller, and the occasional more exaggerated.

and somethings descends

I got a piece of advice today from my brother. He is special to me in many ways, and after talking to him today I realized (confirmed, I already knew) that no matter what, he always respected me, he never had ridiculous expectations of me... its cool... I love my big bro! Anyway.... the advice!

if you want to get what you expect, lower your expectations

I found this to be interesting at first, wasn't sure what to think, but you no what, its true. It really is only fair to the vast majority of people - especially given things in my life, past and present. I am hard on people, mentioned that before, and hard on myself...

But could it be that simple, just expect less and end up getting more? Is that really all there is to it?

WOW! What have I been doing all along?

no fury... as someone scorned

I do know right from wrong. I understand what it means to make the right choice and the ramifications of many wrong choices. But I also know that sometimes you just need to deal with things... I am angry, again, still, with my father, and bitter about the past 3 or so years.
I know that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to manage my anger, and trust me, I have seen my share of the unhealthy, and participated in too much of it myself. But I am angry a lot lately... Little things become big, and if less is more, imagine how much more 'more' is...
I came up with the words fury and scorned. I feel that fury describes me, and my reactions, somewhat unrestrained, and certainly improperly focused - taking it out on the wrong people... But to be honest, I think I am doing a good job actually. I recognize when I have done something stupid - usually the act of yelling at another driver, an innocent by-stander... I cannot justify it, however, it can be easy to yell at someone who a) probably deserves it a little and b) you will never see again. But I also have to (and do) admit and confess when I have failed.
But scorned... This is a word that just slightly beat out forlorn, not my life in entirety, but forlorn - desolate, forsaken, in my relationship with my father... but that brought me to scorned - I feel that I am treated with complete and utter contempt. Am I that despicable in the eyes of my father and his wife?
Seriously, this is why I am still angry, bitter, begrudged, call it whatever you want... I feel that I have given him so much, the word I am using right now, probably in my 'fury,' is SACRIFICED... I have sacrificed about 3 years of my life for that man... Well, WE have... My husband is as much affected as I am. The worst part is that I also did it for my Mom, and I feel that his disdain towards me also extends to her - because she is the reason for it...
I am not bitter towards my Mom, or towards God for "taking her home." I am bitter towards my father that he is so pompous, stubborn and arrogant that he cannot see what he has done - he cannot see that the campfire HE started and left unattended has now become a fire raging almost out of control. Its flames burning, and its smoke choking and suffocating. It is painful.
But I am also a bit arrogant, and certainly stubborn. I am not crying over this. And eventually "i can let some of this anger fade" (thanks Staind).

"I only know that I can change, everything else just stays the same... so now I step out of the darkness that my life became 'cause - I just needed someone to talk to, you were just too busy with yourself. You were never there for me to express how I felt, I just stuffed it down. Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade, but it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made..."
~ "Fade" from the album "Break the Cycle" 2001

sliding further away

So its been a few days that we've had the house to ourselves. There was all this garbage (in bags, at least) left in my laundry room. I took 3 bags to the road this morning (3 bag limit) and tonight I was cleaning up the rest. Actually, I almost grabbed a 4th bag, before remembering the limit...
When I was cleaning up I noticed something odd about this bag, something familiar about its contents. I opened the bag. No, he didn't...
Yes, dammit, yes, he did...
I couldn't believe it at first, and then I realized that it wasn't personal, because that would imply that he actually thought about someone. No, he is too "me-centric" for that. It was simply logical to him - he didn't need/want them, so therefore away they went. What were they?
My grandmother's slides, and A LOT of them...
Not his mother, but my mother's mother. I know it wasn't personal, but I am still having a hard time accepting that anyone could be so unthoughtful. Seriously, he emptied them from the cabinet they were in, neatly organized almost to perfection (compliments of Mom of course), he placed them into a garbage bag, and no where, I mean NO WHERE in any of that did a single thought cross his mind that maybe he shouldn't throw them out?
Nope, obviously not...

wow

Its been a pretty insane week... My Dad is moved out. It was an interesting day on Tuesday, a bit of frustration earlier in the day, but I think it ended on a good note. My Dad made a couple nice gestures and acknowledgments, so that's rather impressive. I thought I would have been excited, and even planned to celebrate. Instead I felt rather sad.
And work has been so busy that basically every night I am doing an additional 3+ hours of work... Its nuts, and I am still not feeling like I am in any way ahead of the game on this stuff. (Partially not my fault, with other disruptions, revisions to "finalized" things for something that really didn't need changing...)
So I am going away for the weekend with my husband. Part of me feels that with work things I cannot afford to go away, but a bigger and better part of me realizes that my mental health (and possibly even my relationship to my husband) cannot afford for me not to go.
So, away and OFFLINE for the weekend... COOL!

going to see my brother

I am looking forward to seeing my brother and his family tomorrow. Have seen and talked to them some, but haven't been to their place in a long time.
This is exciting on many levels - time with family, time AWAY from home and the computers, but also time to mend wounds from history. You see there has been, and still are, some problems in my family. You're thinking, who doesn't have problem families? Maybe my family is no worse than yours, but to me, I want to see it better than it is, that is what I am committed to working towards.