provocative

I mentioned that I have been reminiscing lately. I never expected the impact it would have on me. It goes beyond just feeling like a teenager again, but I don't know how to describe it. It's got me all messed up.
I chose the title because of the meaning of provoke, it does a much better job of describing how I am feeling than I can.
See also, vexing.

child's play

I'm really not liking going to work lately... I feel more like going to school, some grade school, mostly high school. With high school girls, behaving like only high school girls can...
With all the reminiscing I've been caught up with lately (hmmm...) I also feel more like I did in high school. That is not a good thing. I have come a long way from that person, and I wonder if I have the necessary coping mechanisms for this.
A line in a song (yes, its playing right now) is "it takes all there is of me." Seriously, its a lot of effort to contain myself sometimes. I am not saying that I am that close to the edge between okay and postal, however, I sometimes wonder if it was easier when I cared very little about people.
Yes I am aware that I already ranted about this... sort of. This is an extension of that. My way of sharing that its an ongoing thing. Part of me wants to act on EVERYTHING I yearn for, or at least just a few parts (whew! its hot in here)...
Okay, I am done. I am NOT going to be an enabler by becoming the victim. Woe is NOT me.

well i'll be

It took me awhile to submit to the peer pressure to try out facebook (took longer for blogging, so far that is going okay). I finally set up my profile, added some friends, looked around and thought, "what's the fuss all about." Quite frankly, it didn't really excite me.
I stumbled across a list of classmates who graduated high school the same year as me. All those names of all those people that "I will never talk to." But glancing at the names the reminiscing started. Not so much remembering the *good* times, I mean, there weren't that many of those, and not really so much curious what all these people were now doing.
Nope, I was much more selfish than that! I was thinking about who I was back then, and how does that compare to who I am now... Back then I was pretty damn impatient, especially with people. Hmmm, still am. Back then I was stubborn, headstrong, tenacious. Hmmm, still am. I could go on, you get the idea.
I haven't changed that much I guess, except I think I am a little nicer now, man, I was a such a bitch when I was that age!
In addition to all this self-reflecting, which didn't last that long - I know what areas of myself still need some improvement - I did end up thinking about some of those people, and made contact with a few. The responses that I did (and didn't receive) were not a surprise, guess those people haven't changed that much either...
But what has surprised me is the people who have sought me out... Like just lately, this one guy that I didn't know that well, but always thought to be somewhat intriguing...
Of course there's always the couple high school crushes... LOL

ahhh...

The tooth is gone, things are healing nicely. In fact, the pain from the dental surgery, and even all the annoyances that go with the recovery, are NOTHING compared to before...
And to think I already paid once to try and fix that tooth... Hind sight really is 20-20, shoulda pulled that tooth then.
Glad its over... well, almost... 1 last tooth to fix.

what does being a team player get you???

Sometimes... a big fat NOTHING! Okay, so I am frustrated, again or still, what else is new I suppose... I feel that I try so hard, and with so little to show for it. Sometimes this gets me down, more often it pisses me off. I am mad at myself, mad at others...
Who should I be mad at? God? Absolutely not. Even in these low moments, He loves me. Satan? Sure, some. Myself? Pretty much. But not so hard on myself.
I could lower some expectations and standards so the disappointment won't be as great. But, then I won't feel challenged and I'll get bored. I have to accept that there are some people that are just different from me - more likely its I am different than most people - anyway, and that what I see as failure is not, and that what I see as achievement is not... It comes back to that perception thingy...
I'm rambling and cryptic, I know... supposed to have something more meaningful to say... here goes.
My old definition of a team was this - I did all the work, quickly and with highest quality (okay, boasting a little, only with the gifts God gave me was I ever able to achieve this); the entire team got the credit, we all "won." Then things started to change: that wasn't real team work, because the entire team wasn't involved, included, engaged - they were not a part of it.
So now I do my work, and slightly extend that role to include gentle encouragement of my team mates. But it takes too long sometimes for things to get done. For my personality, for every facet (which is under transformation) of my being, this pains me, figuratively and physically. I have a hard time not seeing it as a failure - though no one else has ever really indicated it failed...
What am I getting at? I *feel* that more things got done the way I used to do things. But, I have to accept (and I am really trying to do so) that the end does not justify those means. Its about that touchy feely relationship building stuff... Oh boy!

extract it already...

I have been home basically all week. Sick (the 'flu' kind), sinus infection from my tooth, tooth pain; not to mention the reaction to the stupid anti-biotics, like constant heart burn. What a week. Next Thursday I get the tooth pulled... Just want it over and done with already.

all work and no play make Jessica go...

I think too much about work, and how annoying 'people' can be. Stuck in their ways, odd in their habits, off on their priorities. For people like me that is a little too much to take, especially when so many exhibit ALL of these characteristics...
Just today there was a discussion about how to provide materials to youth/young adults. The historic way is to mail papers, booklets, brochures, books, etc... I am sorry, but most people my age, let alone younger think that is a big waste... Waste of paper, postage, time! I am not alone when I say gimme it electonically!
Ideally I could go to a site and read up on stuff, or at least download. Granted for us some things just cannot go online for security reasons, fair enough... But if you are going to mail anything, can't you at least mail a CD or something? Or email an encryped file? Or have them download from a secure site? C'mon now.
I am slowly going crazy...

she's back

I am happy because I got my car back the other day... Its all fixed up, and shiny. They cleaned and buffed the whole thing, and even cleaned the inside.
I am just glad to have it back.