departure is imminent

I can almost see the end of this tunnel... Just two more days... Two more and they are out... Then this house is mine, my life is mine... How long have I been waiting for this!
Funniest, or saddest, part is that I haven't the slightest clue of what to do now that it's coming.

late night cryptic rantings

So I am seriously laughing at myself and the cryptic-ness of my blog rantings. Funniest thing, even I have trouble figuring them out when I go back and read them later. I guess that proves their effectiveness in being seemingly "nothing" to the outsider.
And that sets the tone of this newest rant... Why is it important for this to seem like nothing? Okay, there are some obvious factors, like lack of security on the net... But I would be lying if I thought there wasn't more to it than that... I'm not saying I really know what its all about, and I am not even sure what steps I have taken to figure it out...
There's this song I like by Thousand Foot Krutch - Moment of the Day... a few of the lines:

"The hurt is washed away, still here I am, in the middle of it all, with heavy hands and I try sooo hard yah, to leave behind me, all the chains that bind me...
... I won't back down, won't turn my head around..."

campfire?

So I think there is a bridge that might be on fire... This is a bridge between two people, a relationship bordering on destruction. It doesn't seem like it, because the fire is small.
Well, to be completely honest, there's actually two bridges, two relationships in my life that might be in a state of crisis, though I don't know how to process it all.
One relationship, well, its a bigger fire, and in all honesty its aroma is sweet, reminds me of a good campfire, with good people around to share. And smores... mmm smores. See this relationship means less to me, though it has existed as long as I have ever known. It has changed drastically over the past years, but the spiral has been out of control for the past few months... Likely the result of an opposing outside force that has altered the path of two entities that seemed to have co-existed just fine... until...
The other relationship, well, that's much more complicated... The fire is there, but so hidden, refusing to really allow itself to be shown. Every once in awhile there is a whiff... Its smell is putrid, nearly hell, but mixed in with that is still the reminder of something better... a good smell...
Okay, so maybe this is a bad metaphor... I'm not really sure what I am even trying to say (so why blog... ???)...
I'm torn... feeling somewhat ripped apart and its so hard to understand.

are you the pot or the kettle?

Tonight I heard the following statement. Not just a statement, but an entire conversation starting and ending within that one sentence. And I ask the person who said it - are you the pot or the kettle, hypocrite?

"I just need to say that I didn't appreciate that little stunt you pulled last week it was juvenile and that is all I have to say about that."

That's it. Done.

i'll take your best shot

This past week has to have been one of the most trying weeks I have ever lived through. I am not even sure my narrative will do justice to the feelings and the *aura* of the place...
Granted, I am not used to certain communal living, and even though there has always been someone downstairs, not once have they ever used my laundry machines. Yes, I am still hung up on that, not only because I couldn't do laundry last Sat, but EVERY night this week until Thurs someone was using them. How much laundry can one person have? I guess when your bath towel is the size of a bedspread, one towel must be one load.
What eats me the most is being so unwelcome in my own home, by someone who is NEW and in my opinion should be making every effort to fit in and make things comfortable. No compassion, no consideration, no sensitivity, certainly no respect.
Can you imagine being told you do not know your 'place', while you are standing IN YOUR OWN HOME, by someone who made it painfully and clearly obvious that they belonged, when quite frankly, you aren't convinced they do.
Can you imagine having someone wave their finger at you and tell you a thing or two about respect within moments of nearly destroying your property? AND, you are NOT a child, but a full grown adult, who deserves a little respect.
Can you imagine almost holding your breath each day, hoping a vehicle will pull out and never return... before its too late, and bridges are burned forever, relationships destroyed (yet again)...
Some of you can... In the meantime, I got through it (so far) so my response to that is:
bring it on baby... i'll take your best shot!

... take from one and give to another...

So I started to get into a bit of a debate with a friend in her blog comments about an entry of hers, and then I thought, hey, I can rant and rave about this all I want in MY OWN blog! So here goes... inviting your comments 'Rain.
If you didn't guess it from my title, we were discussing affirmative action, though when I re-read her post I realized her entry was about more than just affirmative action, but lets leave the rest of that alone for now...
The gist of affirmative action is to promote access to education, employment, etc for 'certain designated groups.' Typically minorities and those historically discriminated against (or worse) for their ethnicity. I know that it's intentions are good - preventative, so employers/etc know they cannot take certain personal characteristics into account - race, creed, color... you memorized the list I'm sure. And you know, I even think its pretty good, IN THEORY, just like I think communism and utilitarianism are pretty good, in theory.
But the reality is, life isn't theory, and the best programs fall short, because of human nature, and the culture we lived in the past and the one we are living now. A culture of supremacy... Someone is always on top. In the family we call it the pecking order; at work the chain of command, or hierarchy; and in social networks, the 'class and color' factor. (Before you go accusing me of copping out, I am not saying that we should just ignore these things... I am just trying to point out some flaws I believe there are with affirmative action.)

Flaw #1 - Those who need to atone are not affected by this 'aa.' I believe (and there is 'proof') that throughout history technically every race has fallen victim to slavery at one point or another. (thanks to my 'little' bro for the wording) To me this shows that slavery and persecution exists no matter of color, so slavery isn't per say a racist act, but it is discrimination. Its CLASS discrimination. The rich over the poor. I do not believe (show me proof) that the rich people in today's society are really paying for the mistakes of rich people from yesterday?

Flaw #2 - Those who are to 'take' the affirmative action are, by nature, subjective human beings. We all bring our own set of personal beliefs/values wherever we go. This extends to reading resumes, interviewing candidates... So when this person sits across the table from someone they discriminate against, you really think 'aa' policies are going to change the way they feel, to direct them to make the "right" choice?

Flaw #3 - I consider affirmative action to be discrimination itself. Not just any, but government sanctioned racial discrimination. Let me point what 'aa' suggests - " 'you' are not capable, competent or worthy enough to receive this [job, education, etc] on your own merit, you should therefore receive it because your race has been and perhaps still is discriminated against." (I ask then, where is MY 'aa' as "my people" have been slaves too...) And IF (I am suggesting this is a very BIG IF) people are receiving opportunities without merit - what does that say to the person (racial majority or not) who has just "lost" even though the better candidate. (I believe this stems back to #2 as well - its not about actuals and facts, its about perceptions and feelings...)

Flaw #4 - I consider affirmative action to be all part of a bigger issue of being convicted for the crimes of another. Now I won't get into this one too much, because its several entries in itself... But, who is paying for whose sin? This is bigger than the first flaw, as this one can extend to the treatment of the Native Americans, to original sin... Hence why I don't want to get into it just yet...

All this because I woke up crabby and the first thing I did was read her blog... LOL

sunofa...

You know I never thought I would start a blog entry with a swear, nor did I think I would refer to swearing at all... Not because I am some high and mighty person who doesn't swear, just that there must be better ways to describe what I feel...
But **** and **** and **** do pretty good for me right now... Still reeling from news that I received from someone close, annoyed with methods taken, frustrated with the closeness of it all... MUST IT BE IN MY **** FACE???
Sorry... had to... I really do feel a bit better now... I feel like everything is a loaded gun at the moment, especially my temper...
But, as my new favorite song from Seether says... "I'm fallin down, but I'll rise above this..."

this one's bugging me

So you're gonna think, what's the big deal. Wish I could explain the whole story, trust me, you don't have time for that anyway...
Someone's using my washer and dryer... I know who, its not like there is a stranger in my house... Its just, well, its another unexpected thing, several to adjust to in the past couple days...
Stupid part - the knob on the dryer is broken, so there is a vice-grip attached so you can set it...

copying again

Reading 'Rain's blog again I was directed to this hilarious article about new lanes for reckless drivers (though I think its a joke he he)... But my first reaction - they sound cool... Yeah baby, I wanna haul ass down the highway too!

current events

Somewhere in the world today there is something amazing happening, or something sad, disturbing or pleasing... Everyone goes through things, changes to deal with, or a stalemate to accept.
We cannot control what life throws at us. I cannot always respect myself for the way I react to some of those things either. I feel like I am sitting in the middle of a cartoon devil and angel sitting on my shoulders...
Somewhere in the world today there is someone mourning a loved one all over again, while being happy when those left behind decide to move on...
Its a bit difficult for me to swallow...

i have to...

So my friend blogged about our conversation (recommended read!), so I feel I have to too! We were reflecting on one of our favorite sites, trueofficeconfessions.com and noted a regular rotation of toilet talk, specifically, the courtesy flush...

(stealing a line from her post...)
You see, my friend believes that the Courtesy Flush is all about masking the noise, while I have always been of the belief that the goal is to hide the odor.

Call me cynical, whatever, but the odor thing is more about embarrassment then it is about well, courtesy... I mean, are people really that nice that they don't want to have it smelly for me? No, they are embarrassed because the smell came from them... I believe too (and maybe more so) that if you do not leave the stall until the bathroom is empty, no one will know its you... If you cannot "hold it" until the bathroom is free and clear, the courtesy flush comes in handy for the noise issue... The smell could be just gas, but the noise... only one thing that could be...

comments from her post - "there is no safe haven but home..." I'm with ya!

(can't believe I blogged about this!)

if a tree falls?

Okay, not that bad...
But if you have something to say, something that you need to talk about - more for yourself than anyone else - but are afraid that no one will be able to just "hear" - why does everyone seem to "listen?"
This might sound rude, but I don't necessarily NEED you to understand me (which I believe is listening - having that level of comprehension)... Honestly, a simple, "yep, uh huh" will do sometimes (hearing me, but not really processing)...
I keep saying that I know there are parts of me - aspects of my personality that could be considered a bit toxic, especially combined with other personalities - that I need to work on; but, I am a bit of an echo on that too, repeating what I hear from some people... and not just any people - close people... I do want to work on some things, but just because there are SOME things, doesn't mean that A LOT about me needs to be under scrutiny...
So when I have a 'moment' (or a day, or even a week) can't you just HEAR me for once?

No, this is not supposed to be a repeat of my previous post, though I realize my MOMENT probably hasn't passed yet!

gimme my moment

The weekend is over... I could (probably should) start the week off with the right attitude. Call me childish, selfish, whatever, but sometimes I just wanna be bitter! I just want to be annoyed, and I want to deal with it when I am good and ready, not when someone else deems it appropriate.
So often I feel like I am not allowed to be something, because its not 'right.' Well, we are human beings, we are NOT 'right' all the time, sometimes we stumble, sometimes we just want to sit and stew in our misery, whether self-inflicted or not.
I know that I cannot indefinitely wallow in my self pity - that's not what I am getting at... its just... is it really so bad to wallow for just a little bit? Can't I have this moment of unsettledness, a relatively insignificant speck in time?
The other day I was pretty frustrated about something, and I was talking to someone who really understands me and knows me well - as well as anyone. I said something that was downright mean actually. A moment of weakness. Rather than support for my feelings, and a genuine desire to help me work through my frustration, I received a lecture on how to not say things like that. I'm sorry, but no shit...
Maybe what I am really mad at sometimes is the fact that its sooooo terrible to be mad, even for a moment... And rather than feeling that I get the empathy I seek, I feel even more ashamed, and left with more "things about me that I need to work on."

that was nice #2

Awhile ago I wrote about this guy with a tractor who cleaned out part of our driveway.

Well, it happened again, but a different guy. This one had this huge snow blower, cool. In about 3 minutes he had 3/4 of our driveway clean. Probably saved us 3 hours...

Thanks dude!

would you do it... if you could?

I wonder, if I could turn back time, would I? Okay, this is not psychology class, its just me, being who I am. I wonder, if I could do anything, without consequence, would I? Right now, that answer is a resounding YES, but that's a bit scary...
I've been heading down an interesting path lately (yes, I am being cryptic for a reason!) and I find myself pondering: if things were different... I'm likin this path, this direction of something... indescribable... Hopefully I can keep walking, for at least a little while.

meme...

Okay, so my friend tagged me to do this meme thing...
How to play:
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I only *know* one person who has a blog (how pathetic is that)... Thanks 'Rain.

He nods his head and laughs. "I'm Randy," he says, shaking my hand.
We are not so very different, Randy and I.