I'm on about that old adage - if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? Probably not, because the outcome is not so good... But rather than cliff jumping, if all my "friends" got some good sweet deal because of something they did (or didn't) do, would I? Maybe... If many colleagues seem to get away with "whatever," can I?
I'm not sure that I will test this theory any time soon, because I have never done something simply because I'm supposed to, or simply because everyone else is. I have NEVER been a cliff jumper.
But could I? Could I waste a good chunk of my day, stretch the reality to somehow make my waste of time work related, and do very little tangible work? Could I be so un-stewardly with the time and money entrusted to me? Could I then turn around and imply things about other people's work ethic?
So I won't. Its got nothing to do with the (dis) ability necessary to achieve such. It would be A LOT easier than actually trying to get through my mountain of work. Its a CHOICE. I choose NOT to.
You can have your cliff all to yourselves.
cliff jumper
shrink this!
I have blogged lots about how sharing your feelings does nothing but bite you in the ass... In the past week or so my real estate down there has remained in tact. But that has created another problem... Which is worse, bitten on the ass, or annoyed in the head!?!
I haven't really been talking to people, don't care much for people in general anyway, and now I get "oh, what's wrong" or "are you okay" or ...
somedays i just wanna be left alone! (ok, most days)
It seems too that when you share and then stop sharing that people make even MORE assumptions about you - see my post about "FAE"... So last week and even this week, the solution - as far as others in my "world" are concerned - is simple - ALL I NEED TO DO IS SEE A SHRINK!
Really???? Wow, its soooo easy to find a shrink. Its soooo easy to share with complete strangers and PAY for it. Its soooo easy to feel like you are crazy... (and apparently its easy to be sarcastic!). Its bad enough to refer to myself as "crazy" every now and again, but when you tell me to see a shrink because I suggest process changes at work, because our lack of organization and control is frustrating to me, it just pisses me off. And I see it as a cop out - all the organization's problems are because I need to see a shrink?!?
You know, the only thing SHRINKING is my capacity to care, my passion for change, and my desire to be here. SHRINK THIS, and hand me my pink slip.
Oh, and for all my friends, even though I am sure you have even better intentions than those in my "office" - please avoid this topic with me, and please DO NOT take the risk of referring me for counselling... I want to keep you as a friend, and right now its such a sore spot and I am so bitter!
maybe i should charge $300 an hour
No, this is not an x-rated blog... ha ha...
I've been blogging lately about the flaws with feeling sharing, but also the problems with not addressing them either... I've been trying to get a point across - that when you tell someone something about yourself, some trait or behavior that is less than ideal, they then assume you are that way ALL OF THE TIME.
Thanks (again) 'Rain for finding this - gotta be my favorite new term, and when I use it I sound smart! And its kinda neat to know that what I am talking about is REAL.
Its a psychology term: Fundamental Attribution Error. Look it up!
i always said i feel like i have sandpaper eyes...
So 'Rain blogged about this "book quiz" that she took. I am laughing my friggin butt off that she's the DICTIONARY... Full of words, but rarely used... LOL sorry 'Rain, couldn't help it! Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.
I have never read this book that I am, perhaps I should take a closer look, but the description is pretty accurate of how I feel, with maybe the exception of the minions... not seeing them hangin around...
You're Dune!
by Frank Herbert
You have control over a great wealth of resources, but no one wants to let you have them. You've decided to try to defend yourself, but it may take eons before you really get back what you feel you deserve. Meanwhile you have a cult-like following of minions waiting for your life to progress. This would all be even more exciting if you could just get the sand out of your eyes.
and somethings descends
I got a piece of advice today from my brother. He is special to me in many ways, and after talking to him today I realized (confirmed, I already knew) that no matter what, he always respected me, he never had ridiculous expectations of me... its cool... I love my big bro! Anyway.... the advice!
if you want to get what you expect, lower your expectations
I found this to be interesting at first, wasn't sure what to think, but you no what, its true. It really is only fair to the vast majority of people - especially given things in my life, past and present. I am hard on people, mentioned that before, and hard on myself...
But could it be that simple, just expect less and end up getting more? Is that really all there is to it?
WOW! What have I been doing all along?
the flaws with habitual feeling-sharing
I've read and been told many, many times that its good to share your feelings... There are lots of reasons why: it helps you release them so you can feel better, it helps other to understand you better, it helps you work out problems.
Um, not really, not really, not really....
Flaw #1 - sharing my feelings really doesn't make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse most of the time. First of all, I get frustrated with myself for being weak enough to have to share - normally that means someone has pushed for me to share, and that means I have worn it on my 'outside.' I'm normally strong enough to deal with things. Secondly, I don't usually get any enlightenment that helps me deal. Chances are if its a big enough thing that I'm talking about it, then I haven't found a solution... Its gotta be a complicated thing.
Flaw #2 - sharing my feelings doesn't really help other understand me. Understand what about me? My weaknesses? Its been my experience too many times that sharing feelings comes around to bite you in the ass. Shared once that sometimes I struggle with anger management (no shit, you been reading my blog?) and then when I have a bit of a problem with someone - "well YOU are the one with the self-admitted anger management problem" - yep, that's right, all my fault. Way to go "sharing" let's do it again sometime...
Flaw #3 - sharing my feelings rarely helps me figure them out. Most of the time after sharing, people don't really know what to say. Even if they have been through something similar, its never the same. Often their experience sharing only clouds the issues that I am trying to process. Sometimes the advice angers me, because its something soooo simple... Just do this, or just that... JUST YOU NEVER MIND... Likely I never wanted to share with you in the first place!
I have thought too that maybe my flaw finding ability is some defense mechanism... Don't let people really get to know me... But that's a bit of a cop-out then. I really do believe that there's often as much, if not more, harm that comes from sharing your feelings as there is good...
I don't know about you, but I would like to leave my ass in tact, no bite marks please.
[insert something here] need not apply
Right from the beginning of this entry I can tell you what I am referring to with the [insert something here]. Insert your favorite stereotype, or discriminatory remark. Insert your personal ideals, rather than looking to who I really am, and make your decision.
Its about this blog entry that interested my friend 'Rain, and interested me... In summary, if you haven't the time to read it all - is that your potential hiring at a company/organization could be thwarted by what you write in your blog. I have read somewhere else too - many of our blogs, including my own, are more of a diary. I remember when I was a teenager, my diary had a lock, a secure hiding spot, and booby traps so I would know if someone even tried to look. Now I am an adult, better able to articulate my words (well, maybe NOT!) and here I pour these thoughts into typed words, that the whole world could see. I was curious, how easy is it to come across me... I guess you can google me to find out.
But still, and I am going to now refer back to 'my' flaw #2 in the theory of affirmative action - where I refer to human beings as being incapable of objectivity, and this flaw applies to virtually any theory you propose anywhere! Why do I bring this up now - because if a potential employer reads my blog, makes a judgment call on who I MUST be, because of it - then so be it.
Would I really want to work at an organization that is incapable of having an open discussion with ME? Would I really want to work with people who believe that my cryptic rantings really show true insight into my psyche?
I don't think so ...
no fury... as someone scorned
I do know right from wrong. I understand what it means to make the right choice and the ramifications of many wrong choices. But I also know that sometimes you just need to deal with things... I am angry, again, still, with my father, and bitter about the past 3 or so years.
I know that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to manage my anger, and trust me, I have seen my share of the unhealthy, and participated in too much of it myself. But I am angry a lot lately... Little things become big, and if less is more, imagine how much more 'more' is...
I came up with the words fury and scorned. I feel that fury describes me, and my reactions, somewhat unrestrained, and certainly improperly focused - taking it out on the wrong people... But to be honest, I think I am doing a good job actually. I recognize when I have done something stupid - usually the act of yelling at another driver, an innocent by-stander... I cannot justify it, however, it can be easy to yell at someone who a) probably deserves it a little and b) you will never see again. But I also have to (and do) admit and confess when I have failed.
But scorned... This is a word that just slightly beat out forlorn, not my life in entirety, but forlorn - desolate, forsaken, in my relationship with my father... but that brought me to scorned - I feel that I am treated with complete and utter contempt. Am I that despicable in the eyes of my father and his wife?
Seriously, this is why I am still angry, bitter, begrudged, call it whatever you want... I feel that I have given him so much, the word I am using right now, probably in my 'fury,' is SACRIFICED... I have sacrificed about 3 years of my life for that man... Well, WE have... My husband is as much affected as I am. The worst part is that I also did it for my Mom, and I feel that his disdain towards me also extends to her - because she is the reason for it...
I am not bitter towards my Mom, or towards God for "taking her home." I am bitter towards my father that he is so pompous, stubborn and arrogant that he cannot see what he has done - he cannot see that the campfire HE started and left unattended has now become a fire raging almost out of control. Its flames burning, and its smoke choking and suffocating. It is painful.
But I am also a bit arrogant, and certainly stubborn. I am not crying over this. And eventually "i can let some of this anger fade" (thanks Staind).
"I only know that I can change, everything else just stays the same... so now I step out of the darkness that my life became 'cause - I just needed someone to talk to, you were just too busy with yourself. You were never there for me to express how I felt, I just stuffed it down. Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade, but it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made..."
~ "Fade" from the album "Break the Cycle" 2001
sliding further away
So its been a few days that we've had the house to ourselves. There was all this garbage (in bags, at least) left in my laundry room. I took 3 bags to the road this morning (3 bag limit) and tonight I was cleaning up the rest. Actually, I almost grabbed a 4th bag, before remembering the limit...
When I was cleaning up I noticed something odd about this bag, something familiar about its contents. I opened the bag. No, he didn't...
Yes, dammit, yes, he did...
I couldn't believe it at first, and then I realized that it wasn't personal, because that would imply that he actually thought about someone. No, he is too "me-centric" for that. It was simply logical to him - he didn't need/want them, so therefore away they went. What were they?
My grandmother's slides, and A LOT of them...
Not his mother, but my mother's mother. I know it wasn't personal, but I am still having a hard time accepting that anyone could be so unthoughtful. Seriously, he emptied them from the cabinet they were in, neatly organized almost to perfection (compliments of Mom of course), he placed them into a garbage bag, and no where, I mean NO WHERE in any of that did a single thought cross his mind that maybe he shouldn't throw them out?
Nope, obviously not...
wow
Its been a pretty insane week... My Dad is moved out. It was an interesting day on Tuesday, a bit of frustration earlier in the day, but I think it ended on a good note. My Dad made a couple nice gestures and acknowledgments, so that's rather impressive. I thought I would have been excited, and even planned to celebrate. Instead I felt rather sad.
And work has been so busy that basically every night I am doing an additional 3+ hours of work... Its nuts, and I am still not feeling like I am in any way ahead of the game on this stuff. (Partially not my fault, with other disruptions, revisions to "finalized" things for something that really didn't need changing...)
So I am going away for the weekend with my husband. Part of me feels that with work things I cannot afford to go away, but a bigger and better part of me realizes that my mental health (and possibly even my relationship to my husband) cannot afford for me not to go.
So, away and OFFLINE for the weekend... COOL!
Posts
