year in review

I am doing this same meme (questionnaire thingy) that 'Rain did on her blog. Fun stuff. (jessica smirks)

• What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? put our house for sale
• Did anyone close to you give birth? no
• Did anyone close to you die? not really (close, not someone close, that is...)
• What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? sell our house
• What was your biggest failure of the year? realized too late that some (big and important) things were not as i thought they were
  
• Where did most of your money go? house renos

Compared to this time last year:

• Are you happier or sadder? happier
• Thinner or fatter? thinner, thanks to manual labor!
• Richer or poorer? poorer

• What do you wish you’d done more of? communicating with loved ones
• What do you wish you’d done less of? stupid assbook, ahem, i mean facebook
• What was the best book you read? (still in progress) but Dune, by Frank Herbert (its also a movie, maybe i will watch it sometime)
  
• What was your favorite film of this year? can honestly say that i wouldn't be able to tell you the name of a new movie from this year
• What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? selling our house and moving
  
• Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. you can't trust very many people to be true to their word. a phrase like "my word is my bond" is indeed a rarity these days.

a different christmas

It is a weird Christmas this year. Its the first year in many that we didn't send Christmas cards. The first year in many that we haven't gotten gifts for the people we always buy gifts for. The first year that we have no real Christmas festivities to attend.

But that's not what Christmas really is anyway. Yes, one aspect of Christmas is spending time with family and loved ones. However, just because you aren't physically in the same place doesn't mean you are not together in a sense, in each others' hearts and minds. And Christmas isn't really about gifts and cards...

Its obvious to me what Christmas is about, remembering Jesus' birth. Sometimes though, the obvious is still a struggle to see, to accept as real. What I am trying to get at is this: somehow I am feeling that its not really Christmas because I'm not doing any of the traditional Christmas things. But how much of those traditions are not really Jesus-loving practices anyway?

I won't go far down the whole consumerism path, but not buying useless junk for people isn't such a bad thing. I do have lots of baked goods in my freezer, so those who I see over the holidays will get that from me. Something I made, something that can be enjoyed, but something that doesn't add clutter or work to someone's life. (okay, maybe some work in terms of working off the calories!)

I am accepting that Christmas can be exactly what this year is for me, a quiet holiday alone with the ONE person who I would share Christmas with no matter what, by choice! Hubby and I will start our own family traditions!

no real surprises here...

I just read a friend's blog and did this personality test. Thanks 'Rain!
well, honestly, I didn't perceive myself to be so "judging"... hehe

But for a lot of the answers, the ideal choice would have been:

• “sometimes both, it all depends on the circumstances!

on my mind

If I'm not careful, this entry could get a little wonky, I mean who really wants to go too deep into my mind! But there are a lot of things on my mind lately.
There are the typical household worries, like income and being able to pay for the bills. There are employment worries, like whether or not I can afford to be off for 4 weeks... (maybe with the assistance of EI). There's the whole house selling thing, waiting as patiently as possible for the buyer to come along!
And after all that starts the thought pattern of relationships, current, past, and future. The thoughts of my interpersonal skills, and where things have gone wrong in the past. And then there's knowing that I must pick up the phone and make a certain call.
Here comes the daydreaming now, all the scenarios (good and bad) that I can think of play in my mind. Some in vivid detail others not. And dreaming at night, typical extensions of the day time fantasy land.
Yep, lots on my mind. It could be worse, and I'm not getting down over any of it.

all-star fan balloting

documentation and other things you probably don't like

Lets face it, most people do not like documentation. Taking notes, summarizing things, and ordering them is not a task that is overly enjoyable to most.
Just like my greenhouse job, not for most people, but good thing I am not most people. You guessed it, I like doing documentation. Its kinda fun to research things and compile notes, learning a lot along the way. It helps to develop good memory and observational skills, its good for my brain.
I document all kinds of things, depending on what I am working on. Right now its a personal but potential business project, and it has me reading about the history of inventory management. Just when you thought documentation couldn't get worse, reading about inventory management, supply chain management, and supply and demand; it's enough to push someone over the edge.
How is it possible that I also find the subject as interesting as documenting it!? I'm a geek, I'm a nerd. Its okay, when someone calls themselves those things they are terms of endearment. Its okay that I enjoy these things that are somewhat abnormal to enjoy. Things that many people would find mundane and tedious are almost the opposite for me. I am who I am. Someone has to do these tasks anyway, so it might as well be someone who doesn't dread the very thought of it.
I like that I enjoy tasks that most people don't. For starters, not many people are doing them, which often means I can work on them solo - very ideal for me! But when there is a team effort, having these tasks taken care of by an eager person rather than someone who feels they are a chore just makes the project/work go that much smoother. (Not that I am speaking from real experiences, this is more of an idealism. History has shown me that my helpfulness and eagerness are not always appreciated, I must learn to alter my approach...).
When it comes to tasks like these, I think of that old adage (my Mom used to say it too) "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." In other words, make the best of every situation. If you have to do something, might as well make it as enjoyable as possible! Grumbling about it certainly won't make it any better (trust me, I have also done my fair share of grumbling too!)

can't make it happen before it's supposed to

I had this pretty cool opportunity to do something... well, something AWESOME. It doesn't even matter what the awesome thing was, because it is not something that is actually going to happen.
Why? The opportunity was flawed.

1. It was MY opportunity, not OURS. It was most likely completely unrealistic of me to think it could have happened, and unfair of me to even have suggested/requested it of my 'other half.'
2. If there was any US in the opportunity, the other was another guy! Don't go reading into it, it would have been a platonic thing, however, still the very thought of that to a husband is indeed scarier than I gave credit to.
3. If the tables were turned, I would not have been okay with it. Realistically, there probably wouldn't be anything my husband could say that would make me feel comfortable with him being out with another woman, no matter the circumstances, and I just asked him to be okay with it for me. (I am thinking the word hypocrite may apply here!?) I was blinded by my selfish excitement at this opportunity that I didn't stop and think about it. I would have come to this conclusion before even starting down the path, instead of at midnight the night before it was to happen!
4. It is supposed to be OUR opportunity. There are some basic plans for my husband and I to explore this opportunity together. Its not something that can happen for us right now, but something that is likely achievable in the not too distant future. I am feeling like a heel for thinking that it would be okay for me not to wait for us to do it together.

So the choice or decision was made, and as stated previously, its not happening... just yet. But I do look forward to the day when it can happen, when the circumstances are right. And won't that make the experience all the more better anyway?

now we just 'live'

It has been a bit of a strange week. Last Sunday night I was still doing odds and ends and cleaning in preparation for the realtor and her photographer to come and take pictures so our house listing. Monday was also a whirlwind, because I worked until 1PM (as usual) and then still a couple odds and ends before they arrived. They came, pictures taken, some things moved around, lots of activity.
Then it hit. Monday night there was "nothing" to do. Its very strange, because for a couple months it was always go-go-go, more stuff to get done. Taking a break almost made me feel guilty, cause there was work to be done. But now its done!
Okay, there have been 4 showings of the house so far, so for the last bit before we leave there is that 'rush' through the house to ensure tidiness, but now that the house is listed, keeping tidy is part of every day living! Its even hard to start some other projects that I might normally do in my spare time, because some of those would make a mess, or at least not be things that are over and done with in 1 evening, and I can't have things laying out.
Its a bit hard for me, and us, and our personality types to have "nothing" to do. But, its still easy to have the evening gone in a flash! For me, between reading blogs, working on my own entries (many of which never seem to get posted, ugh!), chatting with friends and many other things, the time passes relatively well. For Jeff its programming. Soon I hope we are back to work on a project together, maybe not a construction one (I could do without all the clean up for now), but hopefully a programming one. The game we were working on, for example, would be nice!
But all in all... things are good! Been out of the house some, because of the people looking at it) which as put us together doing different activities, including a lot of hiking. Good conversation, exercise, enjoying nature, what's not to love about that!?!

changes

We have done so much work around this place over the last couple months. Its hard to believe some of the things we accomplished! Many of the projects were fun, and some of them provided some reward and a sense of pride. However, its hard to enjoy it all as a whole when so much around here has too much negativity attached to it.
So rather than having all those projects done for US and our quality of living, those projects have turned into a resale enhancer - we are selling!

meticulousa enjoymenta

Simply, I love my job!

Many people would think my job is boring, mundane, non-challenging. Good thing I am not like most people. I rather enjoy my job. It suits my personality. My job allows and perhaps even requires me to be meticulously thorough. My OCD is thanking this job!

My daily assortment of repeated tasks are great. First, I get immediate results, and I enjoy the instant gratification that it provides (kind of like how I feel when I mow the lawn, you look back and see obvious results!). Second, like I said, I get paid to be meticulous. I have to take necessary time to look at each plant, to inspect it for bugs, slugs and other gross stuff. I have to take the time to trim them back, and sort them according to size (basically - is it shippable? will it be soon? is it in bad shape? does it look pretty much dead?... sometimes I have 3 or 4 different flats on the go for sorting!) I LOVE IT. I have an absurd love for sorting and organizing, and I am happy when I can achieve such.

Oh, and my favorite plant out of all the hundreds of varieties? That would be the Sedum Kamtschaticum var. Floriferum its just kinda cool, and a cool name taboot.

And speaking of names, I suppose my blog title might need some explanation... think about it!!! but if you still need clarification, feel free to add a comment.

the choice

Today I kinda feel like I am at a crossroads. I feel that I need to make a choice. An ultimatum is here, though not that anyone specifically or even indirectly gave me one, its just something that I feel.

I feel that I need to choose between two worlds. There is me, the me that is tangible, alive and well. There is me, the me that is virtual, alive and well. I'm talking about facebook, msn, and others, vs me in real life. Its not that I am a different me in terms of my values and *who* I am, its just that they are kind of two different aspects of me.

In real life I have interests that I don't really pursue too actively, and I don't really have anyone to pursue them with. Online is nice because I can find people who have similar interests and I don't feel like I have to subject the people in my real life to things they are not interested in.

However, it really does create a division, and its awkward at best. At what point do I agree that the virtual me has become an idol...?

hockey night in canada* for dummies**

Hockey Night in Canada *

a fan's perspective on the NHL, though i don't claim to know much about hockey!

* prolly need some sort of trademark symbol or something, as this is the name of a show!
** and guessing those book people want credit too for the "for dummies" saying, so here you are.

Anyway, I'm not really talking about the show itself, rather the "act" of hockey night in Canada. Its hockey night pretty much every night right now, preseason is in full swing. (Preseason games are also known as exhibition games). The preseason games really don't mean anything towards points or standings for the regular season, however, they give the teams a perspective of one another, a chance to feel each other out (literally when there is checking and fighting!) before the regular season starts.

You see every year there are trades, and contract changes, then there are new players from the farm teams, and basically everything you knew about a team last year is out the window, as they are basically new again. Preseason is an re-introduction to one another.

Regular season starts on Sat, Oct 3 with 2 games in other countries - Prague, CZ and Stockholm, SE (hmm, I wonder if overall ticket prices went up to cover the costs of all these overseas games, another blog entry perhaps!) Here everything matters. Each move, each shot on goal, each penalty, each goal, each win. Points are awarded, overall standings develop, and the season continues until spring, with teams from the Eastern Conference (you guessed it, teams from the Eastern half of North America) battle it out with each other, while the teams from the Western Conference do the same.

Then the heat rises, as if the season wasn't intense enough. The feeling and the passion of the game... The desire for each player to win, not just to beat the other team, but to beat themselves, their previous all-time best. The numerous hours of practicing put to the test, and their ability to react, to respond, to adapt, to PLAY is shown. Hockey for me is a sport of great skill combined with pure raw instinct. Borrowing a line from the book "The Power of One" by Bryce Courtenay - "First with the head, then with the heart." (though the sport of choice in the book was boxing, I believe the WILL to win, is as important as the skill, though the WILL does no good without the necessary skills to back it up.)

Yes, the heat is on, because now we are into playoffs. The 8 best teams in terms of overall points from each conference play against each other in best-of-seven game series'. These 8 teams don't meet by random, the best teams play the worst teams: 1st vs 8th, 2nd vs 7th, 3rd vs 6th and 4th vs 5th - so there are four games in each conference going on. After the first round, 4 teams are eliminated, and the rounds continue until ultimately we are left with only the best team from the East and West, who will play another best-of-seven series for the coveted Stanley Cup.

And for the 2008-2009 season, here at the final round of the year, we shall see my Habs (from the East) go up against the West, who? I am not sure, but Detroit again would be a decent call. If I thought the heat was intense watching my boys kick butt during regular season, and into the playoffs, during these final rounds I will be at the edge of my seat, biting my nails, hoping to bring that cup to Montreal.

GO HABS GO!
Happy 100th!

Please, no walk of shame this year, KEEP YOUR PUCK ON THE ICE!
(Thanks RED/GREEN)

NHL.com - For all you need to know about hockey!

"not if you called it a stink plant"

The title of my blog tonight comes from an episode of The Simpsons. The dialogue was something along the lines of Lisa (or maybe it was Marge?) quoting a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. To which Bart replies, "not if you call it a stink plant."

No, I am not blogging about The Simpsons, though their satirical humor does provide a lot in the way of blog topics! No, today's entry is about music.

I really enjoy music. I like many different genres, but 85 to 90 percent of the time, its rock and roll, or harder. Some people think my music is bad. It seems that electric guitars and drums are pretty much evil (unless plugged into the "holy" outlets in a church sanctuary - there these inanimate objects are suddenly transformed into instruments of worship, magic!)

Granted, some of the lyrics of some of my music are interesting or questionable, but they often make me think. I reflect on them, and can identify with the feelings the artists are trying to represent. I can relate to the situations, to the emotion, to the angst.

On the flip side, there are other genres that, because of the way they sound, are seemingly less evil. They have fun tunes, upbeat, or as I like to call happy-go-lucky. But they only *sound* that way... When you listen to the words, they are no better (if not worse) then my evil rock songs. That is where this blog title comes into play. Telling someone to "F-Off" to a happy-go-lucky tune isn't any less mean than to the beat of drums and hiss of the electric guitar.

Shall we think of some of these lyrics, you may be surprised to see which genre they come from!

1. "Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored."
2. "Big dog tryin to get a little kitty to purr."
3. "Believe in me, sometimes the weak become the strong."
4. "All you perpetrators be walkin' round frontin', What?, you fakers afraid to stand for somethin'?"
5. "If there's a fear in me, its not showing."
6. "I wish I could shut my playboy mouth."
7. "And if you can take the pain, And you can withstand anything, and one day stand hand in hand with the truth."
8. "I'm falling down, but I'll rise above this."
9. "The giant keeps on telling me time and time again 'boy, you'll never win! You'll never win'."
   

1. Faint - Linkin Park, ROCK
2. Dangerous - Kardinal Offishall, POP/HIP-HOP
3. Believe - Staind, ROCK
4. Puppet - Thousand Foot Krutch, CHRISTIAN ROCK
5. Its Not My Time - Three Doors Down, ROCK
6. Just Dance - Lady GaGa, POP
7. Amen - Kid Rock, ROCK
8. Rise Above This - Seether, ROCK
9. Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns, CHRISTIAN ROCK
   

I could go on. I could also choose other rock lyrics that don't shed such a positive light on them, just as I am sure there are pop songs that are not all about sex. However, my point is that if you really stop and listen to the lyrics of a song (LISTEN, not hear) and reflect on them, I am guessing you will find a bit more meaning and depth to a rock song than to a pop one. Even some of the worst, like Hells Bells by AC/DC isn't all it appears to be, and if you reflect on those evil lyrics, you might be surprised at what they might be getting at!


Its like judging a book by its cover... Don't judge my music by its sound, because even outside of the church sanctuary the electric guitar doesn't have to be evil!

For full lyrics to all of these songs and more, try AZ Lyrics, I find they are one of the easiest to use, and most complete.

i am the inevitable

"Perhaps the future is predetermined by the character of those who shape it."

The other day while watching an episode of Stargate Atlantis, I heard this quote...

In the show there were 2 characters discussing whether or not the future was predetermined or "what we make it." I have often had those very questions. This quote is quite interesting to me. In its simplicity it says so much - it suggests that who we are today (our morals, ethics, values, and most importantly, our actions) can in a sense, alter the future. Its the interesting concept that the future is both predetermined and what we make it...

Its hard for me to truly articulate what I *feel* about this quote. But at the least I wanted to share it with others, and wonder, does this quote *do* anything for you?

cup o' ...

So many great things come in a cup these days. Coffee (well, its probably always come in a cup, tea too) and Peanut Butter (way to go Reese's) . But the thing I'm liking the most lately is CHEESECAKE.

I didn't think they would taste so good, and they are pretty expensive - I think I can make an entire cheesecake for the price of these little cups - however, I am considering them to be a treat, and will refrain from having 2 in one night!

'Rain, if you are reading this, either COME TO CANADIA to get some, or look for it in your stores... by a company called BellaberrY. Just look at this, YUM:

And I love how the French is listed first on the label - parlez vous français?

NOTE: I am not responsible for content (or lack thereof) for sites that I provide links to.

its always a matter of perspective

... the setting is this... two people having a conversation, call them PersonA and PersonB.

PersonA says: "Its just a [insert worldly possession here], it can be replaced."

To which PersonB replies: "That's easy for you to say."

This is a significant conversation to blog about. I know the details seem vague, but the details are not of importance. Its significant because, as the blog title indicates, its a matter of perspective. Whether or not a worldly possession is easily replaced depends on many things.

1. The 'Replacer'
It depends a lot on the person. A person's financial stability or lack there of will often dictate whether a possession can be replaced. For someone with financial security, a statement like the one PersonA said is pretty easy to make! This decision isn't even always dependent on the value of the possession - people have different levels of financial security, so something really expensive to one, could be considered cheap to another. A response like that of PersonB could lead one to believe they are not of the same level of security as such an apparent brash statement-maker like PersonA.

2. The 'Replacee'
The item itself is sometimes not replaceable, for some obvious reasons: one of a kind, homemade, etc... This dependency is pretty self explanatory.
But taking this a little farther... Some items, regardless of value, worth, or uniqueness, have value in another way - sentimental value. This is a bit of a tricky one, because we all *know* that sentiments are in our minds, they are something we hold close to us, and are technically not related to an inanimate worldly possession. However, the possession, like a photograph, is a trigger to that memory, like a snapshot. Having sentimental attachment to an object is virtually the same instinct as taking a photo of a "kodak moment." PersonA's comments seem to also indicate they have no sentiment associate with the possession while PersonB's reply could indicate they do.

So, this conversation that was overheard, what was it about? Was it about the cost of replacing the item, and whether or not it was easier for PersonA than for PersonB? Or, was it about the sentimental attachment to the item that PersonB had and PersonA didn't?

Both actually.

PersonA was thinking of this possession from strictly a cost perspective, and yes, due to their financial security, made the statement with firmament that the possession is replaceable.

PersonB thought of the sentimental attachment they had to this item, completely ignoring whether or not they could financially replace it (which they could, though not as easily as PersonB).

What I find most interesting about this conversation is that niether of them were at all comprehending or even acknowledging each other's perspectives!

goodbye - but i said hello instead

I wasn't going to blog about this, but I am going to. For a couple reasons, and actually the least of which is that it is nice to rant and rave in my blog!

I stopped by my former place of employment. It was kinda a whim, I was in the area. I didn't go past the main lobby at first (I no longer assumed I was free to roam about, regardless of the nature of the environment) and I was even whispering so very few would know I was there. I felt very out of place in that building.

But then some people came around the corner and were so happy to see me. People missed me. People made the difference. I ended up going past that front lobby area and roaming about (accompanied at all times, cause I try to be proper, and certainly don't want to do anything that could be somehow in some way used against me).

Uh oh, prolly too late!

While I was sitting in the lobby waiting, a person came through. This was 1 of 3 people that I specifically wanted to avoid at all costs. I had nothing, absolutely NOTHING to say to any of them. I admitted readily that it was my own bitterness that caused me to feel this way. I *knew* exactly what was going to happen with this particular person...

But someone told me it wouldn't happen, that the 3 would be more mature and respectful than to even talk to me! I disagreed, and commended my friend on her faith in humanity, cause mine was not so bold. Its very unfortunate that I was right.

Here's the scene. I am sitting there, magazine in hand. Another former colleague (who I happen to like a lot) was chatting with me. The 1 of 3 came through and saw me. This person did some interesting yet awkward bending down while turning around motion, reminded me of an ostrich actually (if you know who I am talking about, I am guessing you can picture it in your head). Then it came. The *smile* and the very *sweet* "Oh, HI Jessica! How are you???" [end smile here]

Wow. As prepared as I tried to be, I still felt an overwhelming sense of annoyance. I soooo wanted her to prove me wrong, that she wasn't going to be as audacious as to pretend that everything was forgotten, and to pretend that she didn't play a role in the things that have happened, a BIG role.

I soooo wanted this representative of the church, a specific denomination, to be bigger than that. I expected this member, employee, consultant, praise team leader and elder to realize that those kind of behaviors are actually frowned upon not encouraged! I question this choice of church leadership, for two main reasons:

1. The Bible also questions it.
1 Corinthians 11:10 states "For this reason... women ought to have a sign of authority on her head." and more so 1 Timothy 2:11-12 "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or have authority over a man, she must be silent."
Before all you women's rights activists go crazy on me, think of the source! These are not my words, rather the words of God that He gave us in this handy little book called The Holy Bible. How can you or I or anyone question these words? Women in the world, the secular world, the general society, now have "equal rights" (though by the time we reach the glass ceiling we still have our windex bottle in hand to clean the damn thing, women's lib movement did NOTHING to help me be a wife in this world!). Just because of that, we now need to push that movement into the church?
I understand that all throughout history Christianity has struggled to be in the world but not of it. However, when there is no clear direction from the highest leadership of the church to uphold the Word of God, what is one simple member to do? How can the church allow women to be in authority over man when the Bible clearly instructs against it?

2. The Bible also questions it.
Regardless of the "gender issue" the Bible would still question this choice in leader. 1 Timothy 3 talks about the qualities needed to be an overseer or deacon. Things like above reproach, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable... Must be able to manage his own family. Verse 5 specifically asks "If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?"
This particular person in my opinion (bordering on judgement, but I leave that to God, obviously!) is not above reproach, self-controlled, hospitable or respectable. To me, their behavior is despicable, abhorrent, and I loathe the thought of this person being part of the running of anything, let alone a church.
But Timothy also talks about family. As verse 5 suggests, I believe that single people should not be leaders of the church, and probably not even someone who is "just" part of a couple. A church leader should have a family!

I am still disappointed that this person didn't prove me wrong. I got what I expected, because I expected very little of this person. My brother was right, lowering expectations usually means you get what you expect! I just wish it was more satisfying.

So, at the end of the 10 seconds of seething, I managed to mutter a civil one word response to the ridiculous and disrespectful exuberant display.

"hello"

when all I wanted to say was "goodbye"

zen for christians

I've been reading about Zen.

Well, it actually started with reading this article and its comments about multitasking. Interesting how one led to the other...

But Zen. You can look it up and spend some time reading about, I'd say its well worth the reading. In the meantime I am going to summarize a few points.

• Zen emphasizes experimental wisdom
• Zen de-emphasizes both theoretical knowledge and the study of religious texts in favor of direct experimental realization
• Zen is a 'way' which concentrates on direct experience rather than on rational creeds or revealed scriptures

So what does Zen have to do with being a Christian, and how do I feel they are somehow related? Maybe more so, I think that Christians could use a little more Zen in their lives.

Experimental Wisdom/Realization, Direct Experience - Zen talks about doing and experiencing rather than reading and imagining. As Christians we spend time reading the Bible, and don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting we stop. However, how much time to we spend just *being* in God's creation?

I know of these people, not Christians, who travel quite a distance, packed in a large van, from the city out to the rural area. They do physical labor, don't get paid too well, and are not treated the best. Ask them why they do it - they will tell you, to be with "this" and they kinda do that pointing/shrugging things with their hands up... I think you get the idea, they are referring to everything around them. They work in the fields, with plants, and they LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

To me, that is Zen.

I think Jesus knew Zen. I think he led by example, sure he spoke, but it was his deeds that awed. We are encouraged to explore this earth, and examine it. Its the basis behind science!

I remember a line I heard in a movie, you can question the movie and its suggestions, but one line, a supposed quote from Jesus himself... "lift a stone and find me, break a branch I am there."

Zen for Christians? Zen for me.

what about nobodys?

I heard this anti-drunk driving commercial on the radio, and I have a bit of a beef with it. What could possibly be wrong with such a commercial? The overall message, DON'T DRINK and DRIVE - nope, nothing wrong with that.

Its the fact that the message couldn't stop there. For some reason we need all these incentives, all these reasons not to. Okay, here is my list.

• It's stupid. I don't use that word often, so I will actually apologize if it offends you.
  

Okay, not much of a list, only 1 good reason I can think of! But the radio commercial included a few more reasons, here are some of them.

• You could hurt (or worse) a mother with small children in her car.
• You could hurt (or worse) someone on their way home to a family that relies on them.
• You could hurt (or worse)... insert some other person of value here
  

I question these. Not that these people in any way deserve to be hit by a drunk driver, but what about the people that don't have the same value or worth that is implied by this list? What about the nobodys?

What about the guy who just lost his job, on his way home to a house the bank just foreclosed on, a guy with no family, no friends. He does not seem to be cherished by anyone. Why is he not included as an incentive?

I understand that people need these incentives, because logic and reason on their own are not enough to impact them when they choose to get behind the wheel after one or more too many. I understand that the potential of taking away something that is cherished by another can be a powerful incentive, but I have trouble with the whole thing still...

I have trouble that there is some apparent arbitrary assignment of worth. Implications seem to be there that some lives are just more valuable than others. Maybe I am just reading too much into it...

disclaimer

I have a number of blogs in my reader, not as many as some, but still enough. They range from serious to funny, from friends to strangers...

A few friends have what I call PERSONAL blogs, like this one of mine. But these people, like I used to, work for an organization. In order to eliminate any confusion between a work-related blog and a personal one, these friends feel the need to put a DISCLAIMER on their personal blog.

Please be advised that this blog is the personal blog of so and so and is in no way affiliated with X organization...

I'm sorry, and pardon the language, but NO SHIT! To me, these silly disclaimers say a lot about the potential readers. Its happened to me personally as well, on assbook of all places. Someone read something I wrote, and told me that as a "representative of X organization, I shouldn't write things like that."

First of all, they are my personal feelings and I have a right to have and share them. Rather than lecture me on what I should or should not do, did it occur to these people to try and HELP? Did they ask what is wrong and what they could possibly do for me? NOPE, not even in the slightest. All I can hope is that in addition to their open and public rebuke, that in secret they would pray about it.

Secondly, who I am at work and who I am at home are not always identical. Typically I can be a little more open, a little more "ME" at home, because the close people who surround me understand me and love me for who I am. At work, there are all kinds of people, and very few would be people I would choose to have in my life. They are not so understanding and loving of the things that make me me. In fact, many people "out there" think there is something "wrong" with me and that significant changes are needed, so I am quite reserved, and share little about myself.

And lastly, since when are we not allowed to share what is on our hearts and minds? Especially with Christians? This whole thing of having to warn people that you are not perfect irritates me almost to no end. These lecturers, these people who read my blog and think I am the devil reincarnated... I ask them, where is your mirror? How can you be sure you got that log out of your eyes before addressing my specs, logs, or even the entire forest in my eyes?!?

The last time I started to read something that offended me, do you know what I did? I STOPPED READING IT! And the last time I read an entire thing that offended me, do you know what I did? I contacted that person and had an open and healthy discussion about it! Try it, it works!

... but the pastor said so!

I came across this YouTube video from a blog I regularly read. Now, I really could care less about US (or Canadian for that matter) politics, but I do care about church politics...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eUkc9GCMEQ

Wow, this is pretty pathetic. At first it also makes me laugh, but then it pretty much makes me sick.

In the original blog entry there is a line "sell us on the idea that ministers have enough intelligence to make us take what they say or recommend seriously." Is this ever true -- that the average pew sitter believes at face value what their "trained and ordained" ministry person tells them! Of course I have found some flaws in that, and I promise not to even include any of my personal anecdotes of things that have "happened" to me!

Flaw # 1 - Pastors are humans, relatively incapable of objectivity...
First of all, they are forgetting that this person, often male, is a human being, full of flaws and imperfections like the rest of us (don't get me wrong, I have my proper respect for the "dominee", however, I do not believe that everything he says goes!) As much as we would like to believe its not true, that pastor/theologian telling you things still has A LOT of potential to say and do damaging things. They are not off limits when it comes to accountability to Christ, and as their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, we are the ones to hold them accountable! I believe that the pastor is my brother/sister in Christ FIRST, and my pastor second. Why do I make this distinction? Again, the accountability factor - we have obligations to each other, to hold and restore each other to right relationships with God, REGARDLESS of our worldly human positions and status. No one has more or less right than the next person, even though our earthly minds very often tell us so. What is GOD saying? That each person on earth has equal potential of being close or far from God!
(And don't even get me started about the fact that some of these pastors are more like wolves in sheep clothing, acting out their personal agendas and calling it church business, or worse, good ministry!)

Flaw #2 - Who's the boss?
Second, in what world does the pastor also adopt the role of CEO for the church? The members of the church technically employ the pastor, so when it comes to the "business" of the church, sure the pastor should be involved, but in control? NO! Why bring this up here? Because that is what we seem to be allowing our pastors to have - full control over every aspect of the church. Maybe its me, or maybe its just cause my last name is French, but it seems to me that we've got it all backwards!
But to be a bit more realistic, I don't think that we should ever be in a position where one person or one "side" has total control. The best way to run a church would be for everyone to actually work together for the greater good of God, and not just trying to satisfy what we think our own needs are. But we are human, and virtually incapable of being that objective!

Flaw #3 - I am cynical
So, this isn't really a flaw with the topic so much as a flaw with me. Will I ever trust another pastor? I know that I must, I am supposed to forgive. I am supposed to give a second chance. I am supposed to not allow these things to affect my spirituality. But they do, because I am also human. They do, because I have yet to see proper accountability of most church leadership. To be honest, this whole video, this whole topic is exactly what I find WRONG with the church.

I have my faith, all you denominations can keep your politics.

just getter dun

This is the motto of late, just get things done! There are so many projects, its hard to know where to start. We've tried some different methods of determining a starting place - mostly models and ideas that work (somewhat) only in the business world.

But this is life. And life projects done together should be yes, about getting things done, but more importantly, about enjoying things while you do them! Enjoy working alongside someone!

So, rather than apply all these corporate business ideas, lets approach it from a life point of view... Categories/Ratings in priority as follows:

1. Is it absolutely necessary?
2. Is it fun?
3. Is it somewhat necessary?
4. Is it somewhat fun?
5. Is it boring?
6. Is it unnecessary?

By applying these 6 questions (seems silly to ask #6) we've found that its not only a single choice, the key is combining them. Some absolutely necessary tasks might also be the most boring - but you have to do them, so have some kind of fun! Its not always easy, especially when racing against the clock that is the sunset, but it can be done.

I try to be a bit of a comedian, when things don't quite go right (after getting a sense of the "mood") I might throw in some kinda joke about the best way to learn is to do it over and over. Sometimes I get a laugh, sometimes not, but the key is trying!

My sister once told me to follow everything up with a positive - so that's what I'm trying to do in every situation, even right in the middle of things. Its overall affect seems to be positive, so I will keep it up!

... no, i shouldn't

Continuing the topic of whether or not I should write that letter to the HR people where I used to work. This blog title indicates my decision.

There are a number of people out there who feel I should. You know, whether I should or shouldn't is irrelevant at this point because the decision is made, I am NOT going to. There are reasons, and perhaps laziness is also one of them. For some of those reasons, you can read the comments on my previous post, but the gist of it is - I honestly have bigger and more important things in my life to concern myself with.

This piece of history, recent history, still has me somewhat bitter (no 'Rain, I do not think my lack of sending that email to HR denies me any right to be bitter... do I have any right to be bitter anyway???). I am bitter mostly because of the actions that were taken. Period. Whether or not anyone tries to right it now, I still have a hard time comprehending how any of this happened in the first place!

I need to let go. I need to move on. And in true Jessica fashion, stealing lyrics from Staind, I need to "let some of this anger fade..." And so, from this point forward, I will move on from that period in my life. Not to say it will be forgotten - I have learned a few valuable lessons - but it will no longer be something that is part of my present or future! This makes me happiest of all - complete and utter closure.

Goodbye "denomination X."

should i bother?

I got a response from the organization I used to work for. Apparently getting all perspectives of a situation is always a good idea. Hmmm. So, its up to me if I send something or not.
I kinda new that already. Was thinking there might be some hint at addressing the part where I said I've been ignored before, or the part where I said their systems seemed to have failed me. No hint at all. So that is why I wonder if I should bother.

Anyway, typing right now is not so easy, as my left index finger is injured! LMAO, an incident with the pruning shears, in my OWN gardens, not even at work, where I used them all day. My oh my...

is it over? or has it just begun?

I sent an email today to the director of human resources at the organization I worked for. No matter how I try and word this, it will prolly seem like I am harboring on things, or at least unable to move on. Harboring is not the right word, and for once I have not gone looking through the thesaurus for the right one. I am just going to attempt to describe it myself.
I believe in God, and in Jesus, and I believe that without what they are and what they have done, I would not exist, and have no hope of existing. I believe that people who claim this faith have a duty and responsibility to act a certain way - to treat others well, as you would like to be treated. It seems simple, and reality is never as easy as these little adages we learned as children.
Reality introduces all sorts of factors into a situation, and alters behaviors and perceptions. People are these factors. People who say one thing and do another. Hypocrites, but not even quite that. I am talking about something a bit more fundamental. If you ARE what you say you are, then your behavior follows suit - so if you are a believer, a Christian, or as some might say a "Bible-Thumper" then chances are you *know* you are supposed to try your best and be a good person. And when you are not, you are supposed to admit that, and try and do something about it.
I am not saying I am in any way perfect, but I do feel that in a lot of situations I seem to be the only one who recognizes my flaws and tries to do something about it. Yes, I have said before, and will again that no matter what the other person does or doesn't do about their actions, I will take 100% responsibility for mine - which is only 50% of the problem! However, I can do that, and still work hard at getting the other 50% addressed too!
So, that is why I emailed the HR person. I asked a simple question - is there any point in me pursuing any discussion (cause last time you guys just brushed me off)... we will see if there is a response.

Ending on a POSITIVE. Still loving my new outdoor/greenhouse job - killer tan, funny kids, smelly dog, and hilarious grandparents that do a great job of BURNING their grand kids! GO GRANDMA!

sum of its parts

Washing machine, part 2...

I blogged about my washing machine, and the cost of fixing it vs the cost of purchasing it, and how I somehow doubt that its original cost is actually its value! I am taking a shortcut here, and literally copy-pasting an article I wrote for another purpose. It applies, and I don't think you have to read between the lines too far - especially if you check out the story of stuff.


I often reflect on what technology has done for us. It has provided us with a means to do more. We can communicate more quickly than we can with most other forms; we can share files; we can get information.

Consequently there are other “mores” that we get, those that we don’t enjoy. Ironically, we get more communication, more files, more information. This translates into more of our time being spent using technology, the same technology that was designed and created to save us time.

Let's look a bit more closely at the "more" … More time, more resources, and even more paper. Yes, we are now able to produce things faster than ever before, but to what end? With information at our fingertips, almost at the ease of a button, why are we still printing so many documents?

We spend hours online--social networks, research, games, shopping. US e-commerce spending reached $34.7 billion by the third quarter of 2007. What are we buying—things to make our lives “better?”

With so much time spent online, with this influx of stimulation, and with the time spent earning an income to pay for them, it’s hard to find the time to use our things; Soon they become out of date and obsolete (whether actual or perceived obsolescence). We dispose, and buy more.

We’re a culture of disposable goods, disposable incomes, and possibly disposable values. We are disposing at a phenomenal rate. In six months' time, 99 percent of your current purchases will have been consumed, used, and disposed.

We talk of recycling, composting, and other "earth-friendly" practices (don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we should give up on those) but these only have a slight impact on our overall consumption. The average factory produces 70 times the waste that we do.

[ Want the facts? http://www.storyofstuff.com/pdfs/annie_leonard_facts.pdf
or watch the video: http://www.storyofstuff.com/index.html ]

What can we do? How do we get back to the point where this all started, the point of using technology to aid humanity, and not using it to destroy ourselves? We start now. It sounds simple, and in reality it’s not so simple, but it truly has to start with a different attitude.

We need to think of less as being more. Less intrusion into our time, the time we are meant to spend on other things – Our relationships with people, for example. We need to want less, do less, use less, and in doing so, we might find that what remains is so much more than we might have expected.

and we're back on super high-speed spin!

I am partially talking about the washing machine. It was fixed today! No new front-load machine, but that is okay, this bill was a little better on the pocket book.

But still, I have to rant about this. It cost me almost $250 to repair my $450 washer that is 10 years old. I hope I get another 6 years out of it based on that ratio!

Furthermore, I'm still not grasping the whole thing. How can the complete machine, with all those parts, all that handling, labor, shipping, etc, be only 50% more than the cost of replacing ONE PART? I understand many of the factors: the company that makes the washer orders parts by the thousands, not onesies/twosies; they manufacture and assemble a lot of it by robotic and other computerized equipment; and they have the capacity to make better deals. Besides, I'm guessing their real labor costs aren't 90 bucks an hour!

Even taking that into consideration, if you add up the sum of its parts, the washer is worth more than its original cost. What does that say to all those along that production line and their wages? What does that say about me as a consumer? I want my good deals, but what is the real cost of those good deals? I'm saving that for another day... (and yes, I know I have a couple other entries with a similar line of a follow up post needed, I will get to it!)

I am still happy to have a working washing machine again! And very grateful to wonderful neighbors who offered me the use of their machine without hesitation, I don't even need to knock to enter their house! Wow, never thought I would have good neighbors.

partially clean clothes just won't do

Right in the middle of a load, my washing machine stopped working. I hate it when things like that happen! The machine is over 10 years old, so its not like I didn't get my money's worth, but I'm still not ready to spend the money to replace it just yet - a service technician is coming on Monday to take a look.

In the meantime, its nice being on friendly terms with the neighbors, as my clothes are now in their washer. Which reminds me, I need to go get them soon.

privileged?

Saw this meme on my friend's blog, its about privilege. (It's based on an exercise developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Indiana State University that was originally found on this Yahoo group around class on college campuses.)

Father went to college
Father finished college
Mother went to college
Mother finished college
Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.
Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
Were read children's books by a parent
Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs*
Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs*
Went to a private high school
Went to summer camp
Had a private tutor before you turned 18
Family vacations involved staying at hotels
Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
There was original art in your house when you were a child
Had a phone in your room before you turned 18
You and your family lived in a single family house
Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
You had your own room as a child
Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
Had your own TV in your room in High School
Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
Went on a cruise with your family
Went on more than one cruise with your family
Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

I'm pretty sure this means I was not a privileged child... None of these questions seemingly imply anything to do with race, only class?

'give a little bit more than you have to give'

I think this is the first time that I have actually used lyrics as a blog title! Thanks Kid Rock and your song "Amen." From the album "Rock n Roll Jesus" 2007.

What does it mean to "give a little bit more than you have to give?" I immediately look at it two ways, first "have to" give meaning - what I am required to. Give more than required. I also see it as "have" to give... More than you physically have... Now that seems impossible on the surface.

I feel that in certain circumstances in my life, and in certain relationships that I have indeed given more than I really had in the first place. There are all kinds of relationship analogies, like the bank account one, where each person needs to withdraw and deposit equally in order to maintain proper balance.

What happens when there is no balance? I think eventually it wobbles out of control, and might even get to a point where it cannot be repaired, a point where no amount of deposits are going to bring that balance where it needs to be.

I guess I struggle with the whole idea, because how the heck do you know what the balance is supposed to be? And how can you tell things are off balance when they happen little by little and you never seem to receive a handy account statement in the mail.

Like any bank account with significant negative balances, the whole idea scares me, and rightly so...

Oh, and I'm "supposed" to follow this up with something positive, so if you got something in this situation that's positive, I'll take it!!!

a comment overheard... now what could it mean?

I have been indirectly inspired by my friend 'Rain to pay attention to life with a slightly different ear, and to see things with a slightly different eye. Is there really as much racism in this world as she has been noticing?

Of course me being me, I needed to start at the beginning, so I looked up the definition of racism. Don't get me wrong, I *know* what racism is, but how specifically is it defined?

American Heritage Dictionary defines is as:
rac·ism (rā'sĭz'əm) n.
1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.
2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

So based on this definition, in order to be a racist person to make a racist comment, there needs to be at least an air of superiority involved, and typically something derogatory. A racist person/comment would restrict someone from something because of their race, or at least want to.

Point #1 - Sometimes a comment is just a comment...
Not all seemingly racist comments are in fact racist. You make an observation about something, and say it out loud... The observation is an instinctual reaction to something, and based on experiences, either learned first hand, or taught by elders (parents, teachers, etc) you come to some conclusion.
Often these comments and conclusions are deemed as racist, and I feel its because we are tuned into it. I understand the need to be aware, and I certainly agree with methods for prevention; however, I sometimes wonder if it is possible to be "too" aware. Can't a comment just be that?
One should also look at it from the perspective of the comment itself and how it relates to the definition of racism. If the comment is not in any way an implication of superiority, then it doesn't necessarily fit the definition of a racial comment. Is it possible that the comment was made for another purpose? Do we even bother to take the time to reflect on that side of it anymore? Why are we so quick to assume a potentially benign comment is anything but?

Point #2 - Sometimes a person is just a person...
Not all all the people making racial comments are racist. Sometimes people just don't even know they are making a racial comment. See point number one - sometimes they just learn things and assume that those are the way things are. Maybe its racist behavior, but how much can one be held responsible for their ignorance? If you have only ever known things to be one way, and something different comes along, its natural to make an observation of it.
Its not a whole lot different from observing abnormal weather, like a balmy +18 c sunny January day, in Canada - its not expected, and its all people talk about! (Just like the significant below average temperatures we are having lately). Is the only difference that the weather doesn't hear our comments and therefore has no potential to be insulted, or worse, by them?
I certainly agree there are a lot of racist people out there making racist comments, on purpose. People who most definitely know better and cannot fake any ignorance. However, sometimes you are racist by mistake almost. You are educated and you go into the world with that education, assessing the world with these standards...
Again, look at the definition. Can you be sure this person is implying some superiority? If this person is a complete stranger, its probably hard to tell, however, my mom used to tell me to give people benefit of the doubt (easier said than done, I know). But if you know this person, you probably already have an idea where they stand.

There is so much more I could say. I think its important to have racial awareness. I do not accept racism, I do not think we should stand for it. I am in no way trying to indicate otherwise. In fashion that has become typical for me, I just have a desire to present another way of looking at things.

Its easy to make assumptions, and in this day and age, in the culture and society we live in, especially in North America, its too easy to err on the side of caution, or worse - to assume the worst! I wonder how much of that has to do what we project of ourselves into the assumptions... If we took a close look at ourselves, is it possible our own ideals are affecting our observances of others - um YES, hello?!? we are human, and that is one of our flaws, the inability to be completely objective (see flaw #2 from this post).

I challenge this - the next time you (or I) hear something that we assume is a racial comment, ask if its possible its something else. I did this with a comment I overheard recently, and in all honesty, I consider it to be completely harmless.

And, whether its racist or not... have we forgotten to look at any situation as an opportunity? I guess because its late and this post is already long enough, that I will save the rest of that thought for another post!

nhl draft

I am faithfully keeping up with the latest reports from the 2008 NHL drafts, but I am not entirely sure what it all means! Oh well, I am doing my best.

I used to have someone to help me with this stuff... hmm.

Anyway, to keep up with it all, you can go to the NHL website, or for specific HABS related, here's the summary:


Habs 2008 draft picks
25. Traded to Calgary for Alex Tanguay
56. RW - Danny Kritso - USA (U-18)
86. RW - Steve Quailer - Sioux City (USHL)
116. G - Jason Missiaen - Peterborough (OHL)
138. F - Maxim Trunev - Cherepovets 2 (Russia)
206. F - Patrick Johnson - Lincoln (USHL)

all out of options?

I have been dealing with something that I have never blogged about... Its something that I will not be going into any great detail on either...

But I needed to write this down, somewhere, and my blog is as good a place as any I suppose!

I feel that my life is just one drama after another, or several simultaneous ones and when one drama finishes, the others that were there, just slightly hidden, now come to the surface and seem pretty serious!

I'm posing this question - what do you do when you feel you are out of options? What if you have tried everything you feel you possibly could, and still could not make something "happen" or "work..." Sure, when I was blogging about my day job, I had same problem: seemingly out of options. That solution was somewhat simple, walk away.

But not everything is so easy...

To quote Linkin Park "sometimes solutions aren't so simple... sometimes goodbye's the only way."
"Shadow of the Day" from the album Minutes to Midnight 2007

if the shoe fits

Ohhhh they sure fit! Got new shoes again, I'm stoked! Need to go to a graduation next week, and have a "cute" dress. Didn't have shoes to go with it, so I found a pair.

More exciting than the pair of shoes, which I'm pretty happy about, I got to spend time with a great friend. She is in town from Nicaragua, and it was awesome to be able to spend time with her. I am glad she is in my life, I appreciate who she is and what she has to offer the world. She is a great person and her passion is inspiring!

Oh, and again, here's to the shoes, thanks for your help!

drip, drip, drip... no more!

I'm super happy because the plumbing leak is fixed! What an awesome job this particular person did. I took pictures just to prove it!
Its unfortunate they needed fixing in the first place, as back in August we needed to re-route a couple lines when we got our water softener and UV filter... The person who did that plumbing used compression fittings, and I watched over and over as they over tightened them without listening, seriously, I bought like 10 of them, and went to the hardware store too many times.
Anyway, one of the fittings finally gave way and we had a drip, a little one at first, a normal pail took a day or two to fill. Then spring came, and I needed the outdoor hose, that pressure created problems and the leak got bigger, finally up to almost 2 buckets a day!
So, its fixed... Mr Handy-Man, also known as my husband, did the work! AWESOME!


(with the exception of a bit of burnt wood, you can see it in the first pic, thats funny)

it gets better and better

Maybe I shouldn't be so happy about leaving my job, but as each day goes on I feel even better and better. I do not regret the decision in any way.

So, what are my plans from here, not really sure. I am enjoying some time of relaxation and decompression. There was a lot to unload, but seems to be disappearing naturally without any effort, so that is good, just taking a bit of time.

I am also glad because I am getting some "stuff" done around the house, and I like that. Its a nice feeling to KNOW you have accomplished something at the end of the day.

2008 Stanley Cup Winners

GO DETROIT!!!

If my Habs couldn't make it all the way, I am happy that the Detroit Red Wings took home the cup in a 3-2 win over the Pittsburgh Penguins in game six of the series.

It was a great game, pretty intense, especially near the end. I know of many friends who will be sad, and some who prolly think I am a bit of a traitor, going for a team from the Western Conference when my loyalties should lie in the East, but also because Crosby is a fellow Maritimer.

But, I've always been partial to Detroit. And I am super stoked to see them win their 4th cup in 11 years.

a beast of a machine

I am very happy that the push mower is working. Its a beast of a machine, so finicky. It is a miserable task to try and get it started.

But, I did it, I managed to start it, several times!

I am pretty happy about that, in case you didn't notice. It was nice to be outside most of the day, mowing, other yard work. Best part, I don't really remember thinking about anything during those hours of walking behind "the beast." Its great!

I am so "at peace." (to use terminology that a lot of others are using - asking me, are you "at peace" with your decision... why yes, YES I AM).

Here's to a great day.

Lawn Mower image courtesy of Wikipedia.

time is on my side

Haven't blogged for awhile... this is pretty significant news...

Yesterday I resigned, effective at that moment.

Now I have all this free time on my hands! YAY!

Seriously, we will be okay, and I will look for another job. Not the end of the world, in fact, it feels pretty good because now I can focus on the more important things in life. So many other things have 'suffered' lately because of the stuff at work, quite frankly, its not worth it.

Sorry if that seems rude, or uncaring, its just the way it is.

one word answers

'Rain did this in her blog and then tagged me... I love these!!!

One Word
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think!

1. Where is your cell phone? unpurchased

2. Your significant other? office

3. Your hair? medium

4. Your mother? Heaven

5. Your father? moved!

6. Your favorite thing? sleep

7. Your dream last night? forgotten

8. Your favorite drink? coffee

9. Your dream/goal? undefined

10. The room you’re in? home

11. Your ex? dunno

12. Your fear? changing

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happier

14. Where were you last night? home

15. What you’re not? understood

16. Muffins? okay

17. One of your wish list items? stereo

18. Where you grew up? Lakeville

19. The last thing you did? laundry

20. What are you wearing? clothes

21. Your TV? livingroom

22. Your pets? outside

23. Your computer? adequate

24. Your life? decent

25. Your mood? mediocre

26. Missing someone? YES

27. Your car? rough

28. Something you’re not wearing? makeup

29. Favorite Store? Rona

30. Your summer? working

31. Like someone? yes

32. Your favorite color? purple

33. When is the last time you laughed? today

34. Do you cry a lot? NO

35. Who will/would re-post this? dunno

gotta change my focus

Had a conversation with my sister today, one of the older, wiser sisters (okay, they ALL are! lol). Anyway, she asked me why I never blog about the positive.

Legitimately, I use this blog to write things down, and sort them out. I believe this is likely mostly only helpful to me, sorry readers, especially when I am cryptic. When things are going well, there usually isn't anything to work out. My sister saw this point, cool! :) love ya! But, I also see her point.

So, I need to change my focus, starting every moment of every day. I need to focus more on the good things. I am not saying to ignore the bad, they require their acknowledgment, but they do not need to be the focus. As I quoted Guns n' Roses yesterday, life is not always fair, but there's no point in being miserable all the time.

Well then, what to write about to ensure I include the positive... Hmmm, I'm seriously crazy about my new shoes, how female is that??? Here's a preview of them, what do you think? I just love them, and I think I look good in them! YAY!

resentment more adequately defines it...

I looked up grievance - because I am writing one right now.

... a complaint or resentment, as against an unjust or unfair act: to have a grievance against someone.
Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

I certainly feel some resentment...

• towards the people that have contributed towards this "notice of disciplinary action" that I have received
• towards the process that did not take into account the discussions that happened regarding situations
• towards the 'fact' that I have indirectly already filed my grievance that day - when I finally was able to speak and explain "my side" of things - and that NONE of what I said was taken into account
• towards the 'fact' that ALL of what the "other side" has said was indeed represented
• towards the 'fact' that even though I already explained this all, I now get to write it all down as part of a formal grievance process
• towards step #1 of the grievance process that states: (after receiving grievance) The supervisor and employee will try to resolve the matter informally.

This last point I want to address for two reasons.

First - I already had informal conversations with my supervisor that have been either denied (also known as forgotten), or not taken into account. Hmmm.
Second - What is the point of going through a formal grievance process just for step 1 to be informal. Hmmm.

And in all this I believe I have given clear indication that I feel this is both unfair and unjust. But I must quote yet more lyrics... Today's winner - Guns n' Roses - Breakdown (Use Your Illusion II 1997)

"Remember in this game we call life, that no one said its fair."

just chasing my tail

I'm thinking too this is just going to be a continuation of incoherence like my earlier post this week. I feel like I can't get anywhere. I make significant steps in one area, just to have something in another area completely blind-side me. And then the reverse happens. I communicate more, and articulate my feelings more - yes, still sharing (not sure why)... And I get even more grief because people don't know what to expect. Or worse, I make arrangements for something to happen a certain way at a certain time - then I do it. Then later I get a reaction from people that I did something so totally out there, and they act like there was no discussion.

Seriously, am I living three quarters of the time in my own fantasy ???

I am not imagining these conversations, I KNOW they happen, so why do others seem to react as they do? Sure, I accept that sometimes things are misunderstood, that sometimes there are different perceptions, sometimes I don't articulate myself well, and quite frankly, sometimes people aren't really listening. This is why its not always easy to be happy about the way some things turn out, because somehow, some way, someone gets 'hurt' by it. I'm not usually one to be overly happy about a thing that makes someone else so upset (at least outwardly happy, when my hockey team wins, I don't really mind being HAPPY on the inside that my friends' teams have lost!).

I guess what I am trying to say is that I make changes in my life so I can be happier, more pleasant, an all around better person. I am not vain, nor do I want to stroke my ego, but its very nice to feel good about myself, all aspects of myself! This is good. But why does everything good have to have a bad - why do these changes that are necessary in my life, suddenly be so burdensome to people around me - especially when some of those people, well one in particular, are the ones I am changing FOR!

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

way out there...

Huh?
Seriously, I'm not even sure if this post is going to be completely cohesive, but I will do my best.
There has been so much going on lately, just one thing after another. I find myself wondering when I will just get the chance to live. I have been processing a lot of things, and its hard sometimes to stay focused on any one thing. I know that extended periods of time have elapsed and I have just been staring off into space - I know this because I've looked up and the screen saver has been on - ha ha.
I guess nothing has been processed well enough to be articulated yet. Waste of a post, nah... :)

I almost forgot - YES, the point of the post... sort of. I have taken a bit of time for myself, and its been good.

better seen than heard

I've had to resort to listening to hockey online. Satellite down, rabbit ears just not quite picking up CBC clearly enough to make out the puck... All I can see in the midst of the fuzz is the players. I cannot see where the puck is so it kind of defeats the purpose, and the station keeps coming in and out.
So, I'm listening. Its not really that bad, cause I can do other things while listening, however, I'm still not familiar with all the players on these teams (Dallas playing at Detroit, I'm sure the Stars won't feel like *stars* after they lose tonight), so I have to refer to the team rosters... Oh well, I would not likely look up the rosters if I was actually watching the game. So I will recognize those as benefits.
But still, there is nothing better than watching hockey live, but if you can't watch it live, at least on a nice crisp clear signal... Silly snowy CBC, you don't really seem like "my" Canadian station, being so hard to tune in... Ironic.

And yes, I am still very much a HABS fan, but 6 of them are now playing in IIHF World Championships (obviously because they are no longer in the playoffs)... But if I had to choose Detroit or Dallas, its the Red Wings, no hesitation. If I had to choose between Pittsburgh or Philadelphia, its the Penguins... But I'm not 100% sure who I am choosing when the Penguins meet the Red Wings in the final, prolly Detroit... just because.